magical realism, bitches!

So, I'm slowly but surely going through all the prompts for the Best Meme Ever: Holiday Version. Here's a masterlist of what I've written so far. I will get to the all, hopefully before 2011.

Not in any particular order:

I've almost decided whether or not I'm attracted to you, Emily/JJ, The Office AU

I blame your perfect breasts for my inability to focus during our conversations, Alex Cabot/Lauren Graham, Gospel According to Chad

I liked it better when it sucked your boobs, Lorelai/Claire, bun_in_oven

Good thing your status updates make spying on you complete unnecessary, Lorelai/Claire

I promise I'll never hide my identity if I run a blog that calls you a skank, Danneel/Sophia, CWRPS AU

If you can't find a job, remember that there's always prostitution, Alex/Lorelai, SPN AU

I'd like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals, Alex/Lauren, Gospel According to Chad

There's plenty you can do to help fight AIDS aside from being less of a slut, Quintus/Decimus, OXFORD LATIN COURSE

If you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything outside of the entertainment industry, gen, Joan of Arcadia/The Good Wife

Expect a drunk dial soon, random meta on Alex's lameshit behavior in Seasons 10 and 11 of SVU

Okay, the list is pretty short and sad right now, but it'll get longer and ... I'll stop the comparisons here, because it's too late in the evening to talk about Chad's cock.


Second, I've had a pretty shitty month, what with my dad's botched angioplasty + final exams + wisdom teeth removal + Grandmother suddenly kicking the bucket, so I could really use some love:

HOLIDAY LOVE MEME

All righty then, time to get back on those prompts.

I refuse to cap Alex in this week's SVU because SHE WAS DOING SOME BAD LAWYERING AND THEREFORE MUST BE PUNISHED. Seriously, what the fuck was that episode? How do any of these people still have jobs? Why was Alex wearing such a disgusting blouse and why did her hair look like shit? These are all rhetorical questions because the answer is clearly that Neal Baer is the fucking devil. Argh!!!!!! Granted I'm really defense-minded now since I essentially spent the last month in a bar with a bunch of defense attorneys, but still. I heard that next week is SM's last episode for the season, which is great, because that means I don't have to anxiously wait for the video to download and then have it anger up the blood.

Criminal Minds is not angering up the blood, but it's pretty boring now, and I'm thinking of dropping it along with HIMYM next season. Also, I think Emily should cut her hair a little. I liked Season 2 and Season 3 length. JJ's hair improved a bit today but she had a major fake tan in the one scene with Emily and the little girl. Which she sort of made up for when she wore a blue shirt. THESE PEOPLE KEEP MESSING WITH MY HEAD.

I sort of like Parenthood. I like bits of it and I like LG and I love the credits, because they use baby pictures of the cast and they're disgustingly adorable, and the little girl who hates her mom is really growing on me, but the other 70% of it is bland.

I'm still going through the prompts for the BEST FIC MEME EVER and will take some more if you feel like it. I'm actually following through with the writing part of the meme for once. I know, right? Something is not right with the world.

Prompts completed so far:

1. If prepared just right, I'd make love to a burrito (Ben + Sophia/Alona)
2. Just wanted you to know I'm new to the neighborhood and required by the law to tell you that (Fishkeeper 'Verse)
3. Sorry I picked a fight just for the makeup sex (Claire in Stars Hollow)
4. I genuinely enjoy any activity in which you bend over (Alex is a candy striper, Lorelai is in the hospital AU)
5. You're going to be great MILF (bun_in_oven babyverse)
6. You're cantankerous, inappropriate, self-destructive, and hopefully single (Criminal Minds RPF AU)
7. If I was your co-worker, I'd sexually harass you (Lorelai works at a greeting card company, Alex is her boss AU)
8. I can't wait for you to meet my absurdly creepy friends (Gospel According to Chad, Alex Cabot/Lauren Graham)
9. I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus (Gospel According to Chad)
10. I'm tense because I have too much recorded TV to watch (Claire in Stars Hollow)
11. Rampant porn use has left my computer and soul in ruins (Gospel According to Chad, sort of)

Post a sentence (or two or a paragraph) from as many of your WIPs as you want, with no explanation attached.

( five things I totally forgot existed )

So, instead of studying for constitutional law, THE ABSOLUTE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, I sat down to watch whatever was on television, which happened to be some Land Before Time Cartoon and an old episode of Zach and Cody.

Let's talk about Land Before Time, shall we? Am I supposed to believe that a bunch of pussy herbivores went and adopted a baby T-rex who doesn't grow up to EAT ALL OF THEM and is purple? And the new pink dinosaur, whatever she is, am I supposed to believe she can just pick up a stone and skip it? SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. And there's some random fish that speaks like a special needs Chinese man. WHAT THE FUCK? I REMEMBER THE LAND BEFORE TIME BEING SO AWESOME WHEN I WAS SIX. MY CHILDHOOD, IT IS DESTROYED.

As for Zach and Cody: wow, that Max sure is a little budding lesbian, isn't she?

During the time I didn't spend watching this crap, I wrote another installment of the "Lorelai can't ..." mini-series. Because you love it when SPN!Lorelai gets into all kinds of shenanigans.

( Lorelai can't stop twitching her nose. )

Better Off Ted is still the most hilarious new show of the season! Why aren't you guys watching it? LESBIANS! There is PORTIA in it! You know you love PORTIA! And her character is like, what Alex would be if Alex got lobotomized, started smoking crack, and then worked for a powerful mega-corporation during witness protection that makes 8-legged chickens and cowless meat blobs.

So watch it! It's good! And funny! And good! And funny!

What was NOT good: Criminal Minds. Okay, so it wasn't sucky as much as it was ... mediocre. Emily Prentiss needs a baby. That will make the show SO MUCH BETTER.

Oh, and for some reason, I wrote a ficlet where SPN!Lorelai can't stop kissing things.

( Lorelai can't stop kissing things. )

In conclusion, watch Better Off Ted! The end!

There, I wrote it. It had to be done, and apparently, today was the day for it. I'm telling you right now that there is, unfortunately, no lesbian wagon sex, so don't even ask.

OREGON TRAIL AU ZOMG

( wedlock )

Some extra background: Alex is actually going to Oregon to marry Robert, whom she has never met. In the longer, in-my-head version of this, Lorelai makes Alex come to terms with what she has always known: men suck, let's have lesbian wagon sex.

Oh, and Arthur Branch is Pa.

Finished 15 mins before midnight, whee!!!

Evidently, this takes place between they hook up.

( Boots )

I have to get up at 7 tomorrow to go to class so I can sleep through Equity & Trusts. Does anyone see the logical fallacy in that?

15 second interview clip of SM and her man face:


I love her, masculine jawline and all.

Cutest. Newborn. Ever.

Look Ma, I wrote fic! Yeah, I don't know. I scribbled this last night and as usual it has no point and is really schmoopy. Claire, in the early stages of their relationship.

( Claire: French, from Latin meaning 'brilliant.' Can also mean 'wants to go get ice cream, watch Mary Poppins, and then have sex.' )

TEN DAYS UNTIL CHINESE NEW YEAR! YAYS!!!!!

bank_farter asked me to do Alex (she didn't really need to; I'd do Alex anyway, in any which way I can) for this meme, so I did. And because I am so outrageously bored by law, I did ALL of the options, instead of picking just one. So. Here goes.

Oh, and Alex/Olivia shippers probably should avoid.

( things you never needed to know about Alex Cabot )

I promised someone, like, a YEAR ago that I would write a Fourth of July fic where Alex and Lorelai dance underneath the fireworks. That didn't happen.

Instead this is some random weird ficlet thing I cooked up because Sue and Gretchen are so not cooperating. Try to figure out where in the non-existent timeline it is. I tried putting my Claire fics in chronological order, and it doesn't work. It just doesn't. So good luck.

( anywhere you hang your head )