magical realism, bitches!

FRIENDS ALMOST ENTIRELY

Not really in fandom anymore. Mostly pointless bitching about life. Fics and other crazy shenanigans will remain unlocked.

So for the last couple of months, I've been forcing myself to write every weekend. Mostly it's fluffy babyfic and other self-induglent shenanigans involving Beatrice Rossi, just stuff to keep myself and a handful of buddies entertained.

For whatever reason, today amichevole intimidated me into writing a ficlet that I ended up liking a lot, oddly enough. And therefore I am going to post it here, because I can, and because I know there are still, like, three of you who like it when I write kidfic.

Here it goes: Emily and her daughter having a meaningful conversation about babies, explosions, and hitting other people.

Title from Loudon Wainwright, the lyrics of which are so obviously slapped together out of desperation, but you gotta give him credit since nothing rhymes with daughter except manslaughter. The formatting is all fucked up because, well, let's just blame Livejournal for it since it's responsible for most of the problems in the world.

( everything she takes (she takes apart) )

Stolen from havocthecat:

* Make a post (public, friends/access locked, filtered, whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

* If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

* Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ so that the holiday joy will spread.

1. This is really sad, but my own Samsonite carry-on suitcase thingy so I can stop using my roommate's briefcase to take to court.

2. DVD's of Huff, for Paget's boobs.

3. To get over my work crush and/or get my work crush drunk enough so that I can confess my feelings to her, be completely appalled, and never speak of it again.

4. I really want some really fucking dirty bareback fic where the characters are fucking to make a baby. (Ideally, it would be THE fucking dirty bareback fic where Rossi deliberately tries to knock Prentiss up, because that means I wouldn't have to write it.) (Sorry for making all of you guys recoil, my lesbian friends.)

5. The "lost" episodes of Thrilling Adventure Hour that they took off iTunes before I had a chance to download them.

6. Weird maps that I can post over my desk at work and pretend I'm heading somewhere.

7. The Cone, though it will only cause me to injure myself in weird ways YET AGAIN. (NSFW)

8. This one doesn't even make sense, but about 5 years ago I read this short story about this band of pirates who would take over other ships in the ocean and force the people on the ships to perform Greek tragedies and everyone ended up dead. I have no recollection of the author or the title, and it was a CHILDREN'S STORY, and I swear it is real because I scanned a copy of it and saved it onto my old computer in Canada except now I can't find it anywhere. SO if anyone has ANY idea what the fuck I'm talking about and can tell me which book it's from, please let me know.

9. Leave me feedback on any one of my stories! You can find them either under the tags in my side bar, or at AO3.

10. A podfic of any one of my fics (see above). nike_ravus did one a couple years ago, and it was awesome.

11. This is just wishful thinking, but for all my cases to either get settled or thrown out so I don't have to deal with this fucking bullshit, I swear to god.

If anyone wants to send me anything, PM me and I'll give you my address. No dead animals please, or severed heads.

Can I just say one thing?

THANK GOD THE ELECTION IS OVER AND REASON PREVAILED AND WOULD YOU GUYS PLEASE GO BACK TO WRITING PORN.

Because I am sleepy and bored today:

So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious but you have no idea about, or something obscure you just have to know. Ask away. All topics, within reason, are open for discussion.

BAAAAAAAAAAH. I am trapped in an 8-hour CPD course on Commercial Drafting because I need the requisite 15 points a year, and the person teaching it was my Commercial Law professor whose exam I nearly failed. You know what, bitchface? THERE'S NO EXAM FOR THIS COURSE AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION. Especially since I am not a commercial lawyer! HA! I WIN.

Except for the part where I am bored out of my mind.

Sooooooooooo, if any of you give me a prompt, I will try to write something within these 8 hours of fucking COMMERCIAL DRAFTING HELL. Realistically I can only write SVU/GG, RPS, Criminal Minds, or if you dare to, original fic that probably begins with "She owes me 27 blowjobs."

I am so bored I actually wish I were doing work.

ETA: Filled prompts. The lecture was a complete fucking disaster, btw. I was prepared to give my ex-prof a fairly pleasant review, but she complained that my computer was "making too much noise" and wouldn't let me use it, so naturally I had to call her a bitch on the course evaluation. AND SHE CAN'T DO DICK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM NOT HER STUDENT ANYMORE.

CWRPS, Chad comes to Alex for legal advice, for silverturtle87
CMRPS Office AU, Erica Messer's idea of a team-building exercise, for kennedyismyhero
Cookie!Verse, FormerlyGingerbread!Lorelai discovers Halloween, for aygul
CM/SVU babyverses, Quantum A.J. versus Beezus, for mayireadtoday

mayireadtoday suggested that I do a live commentary with drummer_jew2002 for the premiere of Made in Jersey, which is a truly fucking shitawful CBS show in which Stephanie March plays a snarky blonde lawyer. Thank fucking god she dropped out of the show, because even my intense and undying adoration of her cannot make me watch another episode of this dreck.

( The Jew puts it succinctly: I've seen more creativity in my toilet after eating corn. )

I'm sorry if any of you guys expected hilarious and witty commentary, but we just could not do it. We were too bewildered by the stupidity of it all.

Now I'm going to look at boobs on Tumblr to make myself feel better.

ETA: Okay, to make up for the utter horror that was Made in Jersey, I give you my favoritest cap from the SVU premiere from the scene I call "epic battle of the cleavages." (I couldn't bother with Mariska, sorry.)

silverturtle87 had a lot of questions. I had a lot of time, because my doctor's appointment isn't until 4:00 pm. This happened.

( probably more than you ever want to know about me )

Okay, that didn't take as long as I thought it would. Maybe I should, I don't know, brush my teeth or something.

1. The subject of this post is a true story. Our Duane Raid or whateveryouwanttocallit here is doing a super amazing summer special deal: if you buy maxi pads, they will give you canned fish.

2. Where I work, making partner is considered a valid excuse for the complete and utter lack of human decency. To be fair, it's probably like this in all law firms.

3. Because I got two awesome mystical fpreg drabbles from threeguesses, so I thought I'd pay it forward:

Tell me about a story I haven't written, and I'll give you between one and three (R-rated) sentences from that story.

Except for the fact that I can't really write porn, and I've spent the last 20 hours reading really bad babyfic on ff.net. YOU ARE WARNED.

ETA: If you haven't been watching Don't Trust the B___ in Apt. 23, then I don't want to be friends with you. If you HAVE been watching the aforementioned, then you must read this delightful gem of a fic here. Chloe/June. Best EVER.