(no subject)

[wizened_cynic]

metalphonenix and I couldn't resolve the matter on our own, so I'm taking it to livejournal. Basically, WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE AT HOME?

[Poll #1408157]

You can't choose Completely Naked Lorelai or I Don't Care As Long As She Keeps Her Mouth Shut Lorelai. Those are not options. She can either be pantsless or shirtless. Nothing else.

I'm still making my way through the first 6 seasons of GG and dear god, it has the most annoying music IN THE WORLD. The strummy la-la background music and the themesong that NEVER STOPS PLAYING IN YOUR HEAD. Jesus fuck.

Blah, because I'm bored and there's nothing on TV, let's play that game where you pick one of my fics and give me a timestamp before or after (say, 6 weeks before, or 5 minutes after, whatevs), and I will try to write something. Tags list to your left, and I will do Arrested Quantico or any of my weirdass AUs (SPN, Oregon Trail, Ocean's 11, etc.), but not JOA or Alex squared. Sorry, onlyjustwhisper.

Come on, people. Poe implores you to entertain me!

Comments

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

But! She could get splinters on her nipples!

[azurejay.livejournal.com]

Shirtless, because people who have shirts on but no pants look weird to me.

SPN AU, after Alex gets murderfied for being devil spawn.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Research shows that couples who lose a child have a divorce rate of over 80 percent. Research doesn't say anything about the divorce rate for couples who lose a child because one half of that couple had to murder said child in order to save humankind from fire and brimstone and demons, including and not limited to the ladies from The View.

In any case, Dad and Daddy aren't married, so they can't get divorced, so at least Lorelai doesn't have to worry about becoming a statistic. It's bad enough she's a twinless twin.

Research also shows that twinless twins are five times more likely to become alcoholic, lose their jobs, attempt suicide, and experience being haunted by the restless souls of their former twins. At least according to the support group anyway. You can visit their website at www.twinlesstwinssupportgroup.org

So far Lorelai has dipped her toes into all of those things, sort of. She's not an alcoholic yet, but only because she's so busy not having a job anymore. She didn't lose her job as a hunter; she quit, because there's no point anyway, and she hasn't found time to commit suicide in between eating her weight in Tollhouse cookie dough (her grief speaks through her stomach) and calling her dads every hour to make sure they are still together. They don't necessarily have to be speaking to each other, as long as they're still together.

As for the haunting, well, it's a lie. It's a big fat lie perpetrated by twinless twins in positions of power, who prey on other twinless twins that are innocent and unsuspecting and sleep all day so they can stay awake all night and wait for their twin to come back and tell them that they're okay, they're back, they'll never leave again.

All lies, people, lies, and Lorelai so regrets making an account on the forum and sharing an edited-to-PG version of her story with the others, and when they reply telling her that they understand and that it's okay to grieve and feel better soon, she feels like reaching into her laptop and blasting them all in the face with rock salt because, god, they end their posts with "take care" and then a colon and a closing parenthesis, and Alex wouldn't have stood for that shit. She wouldn't have.

But she's dead, dead dead dead, and Dad and Daddy are probably getting separated, and Lorelai is all alone, a twinless twin, a child of divorce, with nobody to turn to except for people who tell her to take care, smiley face.

[fallon-ash.livejournal.com]

Shirtless, because I like boobs. And waists. And collarbones. Legs? Not as much.

And fishverse, the following May 22nd, 17:04 one year later.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Everything was ready: the food, the beverages, the blindfolded blowup doll with makeshift scales hanging from its wrist. All that was left was the fish.

"I have a problem," said Kirk.

"You have many, Kirk," said Lorelai, straightening the bar mitzvah banner that now said HAPPY GRADUATION, ALEX!

"I have a problem right now," amended Kirk. "The fish is dead."

Lorelai stopped and turned to stare. "You're not serious."

"I'm afraid I'm very serious. I just went to check on the fish like you told me, and unless it knows how to do the backstroke, I'm pretty sure it's dead."

Refusing to believe him, Lorelai went into the bedroom, where she discovered that, indeed, Michael Phelps was dead.

She laughed in disbelief. "This can't be happening."

Except, of course, it was.

"Come on, Mikey," she said quietly, tapping her knuckles against the bowl. "Wake up and smell the marijuana."

The fish did not respond.

Because it was dead.

"It's definitely dead."

Lorelai spun around to see Alex leaning against the doorway, confetti spilled all over her hair.

Dammit. In the time Lorelai had discovered that her graduation present to Alex had kicked it, Alex had apparently arrived and the party had started without Lorelai even knowing.

Lorelai must be the worst party planner in the world.

"I'm sorry," she said. She picked up the fish bowl and held it out towards Alex. "I checked the pH levels and everything. I made sure not to overfeed him. But he died anyway. So here's a dead fish to celebrate the fact that you're officially a J.D."

Alex took the bowl, studied the dearly departed Michael Phelps, and then set it down on her dresser. "Never mind, Lorelai. In my experience, the more expensive the fish, the more likely it is to suddenly up and die."

Lorelai was about to ask if she should go ahead and flush Mikey down the toilet, but Alex grabbed her by the wrists instead, pushed her against the wall and kissed her, light and fluttery at first and then harder, deeper, because she was a lawyer now, and apparently, lawyers did everything seriously, especially kissing.

"Wow," Lorelai said, when they stopped for breath.

"Yeah," Alex said, and they went back to making out.

[somniesperus.livejournal.com]

I saw pantsless Lorelai in that episode after she slept with Luke the first time, when she put on one of his shirts and wandered downstairs into the diner. She was adorable.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

That was a cute episode! Before all the wangst and Luke started acting like a dick and Lorelai became even more of a passive-aggressive emotionally needy bitch.

Yay for voting PANTSLESS! Welcome to the table! With no pants! (You can keep yours on. It's only Lorelai who has to keep hers off.)

[theagonyofblank.livejournal.com]

Pantsless, because it's hotter. ;)

I think I'll go with Oregon Trail AU. Or Ocean's 11! You pick.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Ocean's 11! But, uh, pick a timestamp?

[metalphoenix.livejournal.com]

It's such a difficult decision! Both have their perks, but ultimately boobs win.

Um, I pick 1 year after the fic where Lorelai Affleck knocks Alex up.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

They had a hard time coming up with a name for The Savior of Us All, so for two months, they just called her Smooshface. Because she looked like one, and because The Savior of Us All was quite a mouthful, especially after eight weeks of sleep deprivation.

They would've named her Mary, but both their dads objected. The kid needs her own name, they said, so it was back to Beyond Jennifer and Jason, which was totally outdated anyway, who the hell still names their kid Jennifer these days?

"Isabella?" Lorelai suggested.

"Ugh," said Alex. "Too Twilight. Caroline."

"Too Little House on the Prairie."

"You love Little House on the Prairie."

"Not enough to name my kid after Ma Ingalls. Ava."

"Everyone's named Ava. She's going to go to kindergarten with six other Avas. Victoria."

"No! No queen names!"

They stared at each other in exhausted silence as little Mary-Isabella-Caroline-Victoria-Ava let out a contented little sigh from where she was napping in her bassinet.

"We're going to call her Smooshface forever, aren't we?" Alex asked, defeated.

Lorelai nodded. "But she'll be the only Smooshface in her kindergarten class."

I'm using your icon!!

[onlyjustwhisper.livejournal.com]

This is a seriously tough one, because if Lorelai was wearing kind of an oversize shirt and nothing else, I would have to go with that, but on the other hand I like waists and skin and smooth backs. So hmmm. Is she wearing jeans? Or a skirt?
I am torn here!!
I think I'm going to even up the poll by ticking the shirtless one :D :D

Re: I'm using your icon!!

[onlyjustwhisper.livejournal.com]

Also, I am pouting about the no Alex squared fic :( :( *pouts sulkily*
I'm just going to ask for anything with Alex and babies, since I can't have Alex squared. (On the other hand, I love how that's practically become part of canon and people know what it means :D)

[aquila1nz.livejournal.com]

Am I the only one who isn't sure which fic is Alex squared? I'm sure I should know. Makes me afraid to vote for anything with Alex in.

I vote shirtlesss, but now I'm remembering the pantless diner scene. Am very undecided today!

[aquila1nz.livejournal.com]

Oh, wait, was it the doppelganger fic, timetraveller's wife style?

I want QuantumAjverse, the day before AJ universe jumps.

[hivesix.livejournal.com]

She would definitely be pants-less because I was imagining her walking around that way in my house, and I'm a leg woman. Plus if she were wearing a dress shirt I'd just be a goner.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK, MY FRIEND.

[scribesquill.livejournal.com]

I'm imagining an everyday-type clothes, then WHAM either shirt or pants are removed, thus removing the adorable oversized shirt scenario from my voting math. Therefore, I picked shirtless. I have to agree with onlyjustwhisper about the waist and skin and smooth back. Add in shoulders and the bellybutton-to-hips general area, and I'm happy.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I FEEL SO LONELY IN MY CORNER WITH PANTSLESS LORELAI

D':

[madcap-shiny.livejournal.com]

Pantsless, because I feel Lorelai's legs are rather underrated. I mean, she has awesome knockers, but those legs need love too.

SPN AU: after Lorelai bangs Alex in the Good Will Hunting fic. 'Cause that afterglow scene needs to be written.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Shit, I got confused and thought you wanted the one where ALEX was a dude, so I wrote this instead. Too bad, you're stuck with it. Sorry.

*************

Afterwards, Alex wanted to go to sleep.

Which was difficult, as they were in the handicapped washroom of the United States Supreme Court. Also, Alex was reluctant to live up to the alarmingly true stereotype that men just want to roll over and sleep after they had sex.

So, feeling chivalrous, she pretended to listen to Lorelai talk as they drove back to the hotel. Alex found it to be an inordinately easy task, though it was hard to tell how much of it came from years of experience of tuning out anything Lorelai says, and how much came from being, well, a man. Having male anatomy, at least.

Anatomy and physiology can account for a lot.

Alex woke up that morning with the desire to watch toothless Canadians beat each other with wooden sticks, something she'd never even contemplated doing, let alone cheer her way through it.

Once they got back into their room, Lorelai peeled off what little clothing she had left and pounced onto bed. "You want to go for round two?" she asked slyly, and the look in her eye combined with her legs and breasts and lips pouty and red from being kissed only minutes ago was enough to make Alex burst out of her pants.

"Yeah, I'll say you're ready," Lorelai said, assessing Alex's erection (oh god, she will never live this down) as Alex clumsily tried to get her stupid, big, man fingers to work her belt buckle and zipper. Then finally, her stupid pants come off, and round two was every bit as glorious as round one.

And this time, Alex actually got to roll over and sleep.

[nike-ravus.livejournal.com]

Oregon Trail AU: First day of Spring.

Yours is the last one. NO MORE PROMPTS!

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

The next time they saw each other again was after the long winter. Alex was at the general store, buying buttons for Pa's new shirts, when a whirlwind of brown hair and blue eyes swept its way inside. She could recognize that voice anywhere, and she did, as Lorelai and Rory gasped in awe at the rows and rows of peppermint sticks and lemon drops and ribbon candies.

"What should we get, Mama? I want to taste everything."

"So do I, sweetheart, but first we need thread and cloth and coffee, lots and lots of coffee. I promise we'll come back later and you can buy every single kind of candy you see here, all right?"

Rory nodded, her braids bobbing behind her, and pointed to something behind the counter. Alex couldn't see from where she was, and when she leaned over to look around Miss Patricia's stout physique, her eyes caught Rory's, and at once the child exclaimed, "Miss Cabot! Mama, look! It's Miss Cabot."

Lorelai turned around and their gaze met, but before either of them could speak, Rory ran over to Alex and offered her a brown paper sack. "Would you like a lemon drop, Miss Cabot?"

"I would love one," Alex said. She didn't particularly like sweets, but perhaps having something in her mouth would render her unable to engage in any further conversations with either Gilmore.

"I can't believe we finally found you!" Rory continued. She had taken Alex's hand without Alex's knowledge and was drawing her closer and closer to Lorelai. "Mama didn't think we would see you again after we took the other road, but she was wrong. You were wrong, weren't you, Mama?"

"I was indeed." There was a twinge of bitterness to Lorelai's voice which Alex could not ignore. But neither could she address it, so she simply kept her silence.

"Are you a teacher here, Miss Cabot? I'll be starting school next week and I really hope you'll be my teacher."

"Miss Cabot isn't a teacher anymore," Lorelai answered before Alex could get a word in. "She's not even Miss Cabot anymore. She's married now, Rory, remember?"

"Actually, I'm not."

Two pairs of eyes regarded her with astonishment.

"You're not a teacher?" Rory asked, disappointed.

"I'm not married," Alex explained. "I'm still a teacher. So yes, I will probably be your teacher when you arrive at the schoolhouse next week. You'd best not be tardy, Miss Rory Gilmore."

"I won't, I won't, I won't!" Rory sauntered. "I'll be the first one there, I promise!"

"You're not married," said Lorelai incredulously.

"I'm not," said Alex. She watched Lorelai's brows furrow as Lorelai tried to make sense of what she was hearing.

"What happened to Steele?"

"Nothing happened to Steele. I simply told him that I did not wish to be his wife. There was very little else he could do about it. There's very little anyone can do about anything, once I've got my heart set on it."

"Well," Lorelai said. She was smiling now, a small one that would simmer and simmer until it burst into a grin when nobody was looking. Alex knew that smile, knew that grin. "Well, well, well. Miss Cabot, you're full of surprises, aren't you?"

"Perhaps I am," Alex said. She almost smiled, but feeling slightly ridiculous, she shrugged instead.

"I guess I will have to find out," Lorelai said.

"I guess you will," Alex said, and this time, she did smile.

[onyx-regret.livejournal.com]

I went pantsless. I thought this out very carefully. Because pantsless Lorelai would be wearing an oversized button down and the top two or three buttons would definitely be undone so there could still be boob action. And plus, the hint of boob? Way awesome, almost awesomer than actual boob.

Clearly, I thought this was worth way more time than my current Uni class. Which, of all things, was Pop Culture 210. I get to pick popular media and either bitch about it or make everyone love it. Gilmore Girls... you'll do me so well in this class. Seasons 1-5 are for loving. Seasons 6 & 7 are for *ahem* critiquing.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

You've nailed it. Totally, completely nailed it. Wise(r) choice, good reasoning behind it ... you ever think about becoming a lawyer?

Ugh, jealous! How come I never get to take classes like that? My ICL prof does make jokes about Star Trek and quotes Ghostbusters (he's a total fanboy; I seriously wonder if he has a livejournal), but the class is like DEATH on a projector.