wizened_cynic: (himym - rock your body till canada day)
[personal profile] wizened_cynic
Ack, I'm combining the prompts for Friday, Saturday, and today to give you OCEAN'S ELEVEN AU. Because that's just what the world needs. Also it is unfinished because I got bored. Everything bores me these days, so whatever.




Alex has this annoying little thing called morals and they often get in the way of, well, pretty much everything. Fortunately, Lorelai figured out a long time ago that Alex would agree to anything as long as Lorelai asks at the right time, and the right time is usually when Lorelai has her face between Alex's legs, such as right now.

"Let's rob a casino," Lorelai says, and then goes back to rubbing her nose up and down Alex's slippery little cleft. She likes this the most, more than being fucked, even. She loves hearing Alex's fluttery little murmurs as she tries to pretend she has control over the situation, loves the taste the smell the heat of Alex's cunt on her tongue, rich and salty and even a little bit clean, somehow, as if Alex is such a saint that having sex with her would absolve Lorelai of all sin.

Alex doesn't reply --- Lorelai isn't even sure she heard --- just groans and arches back and within minutes Lorelai's got her squirming on Lorelai's fingers. Alex likes it rough, something Lorelai is more than happy to comply with, even if the next morning Alex will be too sore to sit down properly and stare daggers at Lorelai like it wasn't her own idea to begin with.

When it's all over though, when Alex finishes falling apart and Lorelai is stroking her back and side and cooing at her, Alex turns to her and says, incredulously, "Rob a casino? Are you insane?"

"No, just ambitious. C'mon, it'll be fun." And then, because Alex does not believe in fun, "It'll be a test of our abilities! How good we are at our jobs!"

"I hate our job," Alex says sullenly.

"But you love tests," Lorelai says.

Alex sighs because she does love tests, and Lorelai calls Cragen the next morning with the good news.


*

They fly business class and over some sad, flat state in the midwest Lorelai gets into a conversation with the woman next to her about peanuts being served on airlines and how that could lead to a million lawsuits when people start dropping dead from anaphylactic shock.

The woman is a personal injury lawyer and is looking most forward to it. "In fact, I'm going to meet a client to talk about a possible offer to settle. What about you? Are you going for business or pleasure?"

"Huh?" Lorelai stopped listening fifteen minutes ago and is debating whether or not she should slip a sedative into the woman's Red Bull. "Oh, us. We're just heading to Vegas to try our luck."


*


Cragen's waiting for them at the hotel, along with an assortment of characters that look like rejects from a Wes Anderson movie. Lorelai doesn't judge, not out loud anyway; she's perfectly aware that she would've looked the same had Alex not insisted that they dress properly --- and properly, in Alex, means pantsuits from Brooks Brothers. Alex may hate what she does for a living but she respects the people involved, or so she says. Lorelai doesn't know what she means, she just knows that those buttons are a hassle when things get hot and heavy and sometimes Alex would break off a kiss to order Lorelai not to wrinkle her shirt.

Cragen greets them with a firm handshake. "Nice to see you again, ladies. How was your flight?"

"Delta sucks," Lorelai says.

Cragen smiles a little. He looks like someone's grandfather, not some criminal mastermind con artist head of thieves, which definitely works in his favor. "I'll make sure that never happens again. In the mean time, I would like to introduce you to your fellow partners on this expedition."

There are nine others, including Cragen himself. Fin and Munch they've met on an earlier job, one involving explosives, tear gas, and two angry koalas from the Taronga Zoo in Sydney, Australia. Novak is a novice, as is Huang, some acrobat on loan from the Chinese government. Cassidy and Jeffries are arriving on a later flight along with Stabler, that cocky son of a bitch who broke out of maximum security prison and then broke in again just for kicks.

And then there's Liv.

Just Liv, no last name, as if she's some international supermodel or something, which she might as well be in their little tight-knit circle of con artists. Rumor has it that she was infiltrating the CIA during the months she went off the rador, but rumors are just rumors, and you never know for sure.

What Lorelai does know is, Liv, no-last-name, con artist celebrity, five foot nine and at least a C cup, just so happens to be Alex's ex, which is going to make things interesting.

"And we meet again," Liv says to Alex as soon as Cragen finishes with his introductions.

Lorelai watches as Alex flinches and she thinks, yes, things are going be real interesting.


Date: 2008-09-21 09:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hivesix.livejournal.com
Hee, awesome!

Stabler, that cocky son of a bitch who broke out of maximum security prison and then broke in again just for kicks.
Stabler's such a nut. I love it!

Date: 2008-09-21 03:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Hee, that's the Oz reference right there! Anyway, thanks! Glad you enjoyed.

Date: 2008-09-21 01:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fallon-ash.livejournal.com
Heeee!! I would form more words, but I'm smiling too much. AWESOME!

Date: 2008-09-21 03:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Thanks :D :D

Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 02:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badtyler.livejournal.com
Huang is a Chinese acrobat?

Hmmm... that explains a lot.

BTW-- I have not forgotten about the sea cucumber. Yesterday turned into a bad LJ drama and I just couldn't get into it. I DO know what I'm going to write... and Huang is in it.

Heh.

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 03:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
On loan from the Chinese government! Don't forget that part!

Thank you, glad you like this, blahblahblah, now that the formalities are over, tell me! What is this bad LJ drama about? Is there name-calling, hair-pulling of the sort? I love wank! Spill, my friend! SPILL!

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badtyler.livejournal.com
Go to my last entry (Thurs.) and just read the comments.
And let me know what you think! It's too hard to describe -- you had to be there.

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 03:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Okay, lemme take a look.

. . .

Oh, Jesus Christ, people take offense to everything. I only take offense when Hillary Clinton slanders my beloved nation! (And by that I mean China, not Canada.)

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 03:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badtyler.livejournal.com
I know. The whole thing was just ridiculous. I can't believe she de-friended me over it. Not that I really care... we hadn't been friendly for a while.

Over reaction much?

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 03:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I read it over 10 times and I still don't get it. Whatever. Write your sea cucumber.

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 04:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badtyler.livejournal.com
I'm on it. After lunch and a nap for inspiration.

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 06:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theholyinnocent.livejournal.com
Hope you don't mind me chiming in on this here & now, Ty, since I missed all Teh Drama...but wow, I'm sorry it happened. It is both sad and frustrating when things just get blown out of proportion and take on a life of their own. Maybe in time you & Sandy can work it out...it does seem like you guys have known each other for a while now, it seems silly for her to defriend you over something so seemingly trivial. (Although if you were having problems, maybe it was just inevitable it would come to head like that.)

I know, you're thinking, SHUT IT, POLLYANNA! :)

Anyway, I hope you're feeling today. And color me intrigued about the sea cucumber. Please do write it!

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 10:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badtyler.livejournal.com
No, I don't mind at all. We have known each other for a while, but haven't been really friendly since... oh, about a year or so ago. Nothing dramatic, just kind of fell out of touch.

It does seem silly, and sillier still for me to do the same, but I just couldn't deal with her comments anymore. I once posted something about Rampart St. in NOLA being dangerous after dark and her response was that we shouldn't have to be afraid and that I was being childish. There have been something like six murders there in the last few months. It would be nice if we could go anywhere, anytime, but honestly? It's not safe. But she kept hounding me with comments, the way she did yesterday, so-- time to let it go for now. It just seemed like everything I said added fuel to the fire.
No, I was not thinking SHUT IT. Thanks for letting me know how you feel. You know I respect your opinion.
*g*

Sea cucumber is coming. It's just a ficlet, though, remember!

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-21 11:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theholyinnocent.livejournal.com
I understand, and I think you did your best under the circumstances; I thought you gave a perfectly acceptable apology. She can be relentless with the comments sometime. And I would have thought that as a friend, she would have given you the benefit of the doubt when you have an off day. As you pointed out, you are rarely that cranky to anyone in your posts.

It's just a ficlet, though, remember!

No worries, no pressure, doll. I'm happy to see you writing again, and thus happy to read anything you write, regardless of length.

Re: Sea Cucumber

Date: 2008-09-22 01:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badtyler.livejournal.com
I finished writing it about an hour ago. It's a little longer than I planned... a ficletta?

No porn-- just snark. And Huang's parents.

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-22 01:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Fuck, I can't believe YOU didn't defriend her sooner! I would've, if she pulled that shit with me.
Edited Date: 2008-09-22 01:32 am (UTC)

Re: Loved this!

Date: 2008-09-22 01:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] badtyler.livejournal.com
Just ignoring was actually working for a long time. I would have gotten spammed with nasty e-mails. I don't think I actually replied to any of her posts for at least eight months!

Go read sea cucumber. It's at my LJ!

Date: 2008-09-21 05:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theholyinnocent.livejournal.com
Okay, look: You HAVE to finish this, or at least write some more, because I love it. I love the smut (and yes, you really do have to slip these things in, so to speak at the right time), I love the concept, I love all the characterizations.

That is all!

Date: 2008-09-22 01:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Thank you! I am very glad you liked this but instead of writing MORE, you could just watch the movie! And its sequel! It has Catherine Zeta-Jones! Who doesn't love that Catherine Zeta-Jones?

Date: 2008-09-21 06:11 pm (UTC)
ext_26832: (alex cabot)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/thrace_/
It doesn't need to be finished because it's such an awesome setup.

Date: 2008-09-22 01:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
YAY! I'm not going to ruin its awesomeness by continuing. It's for everyone's own good.

Date: 2008-09-21 07:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annapie.livejournal.com
I am falling in love with you again...

Date: 2008-09-22 01:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Danke schoen. Right? I don't remember my German.

Date: 2008-09-21 10:06 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Those descriptions of the team were too wonderful for words. Also, I thought you didn't write smut! This just might be the one redeeming quality of my weekend.

Date: 2008-09-22 01:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Sorry to hear about the otherwise sucky weekend. But yay for liking! I didn't think I wrote smut either, but, well, what do you know.

Date: 2008-09-21 11:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theagonyofblank.livejournal.com
Ohmygosh, what? You should finish this sometime! :DDD
I don't really remember Ocean's Eleven anymore, but this was great all the same.

Date: 2008-09-22 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
You should go rent the DVD again or something. It's a fun movie! Most likely not gonna finish, but thanks!

Date: 2008-09-22 05:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mcdoh1902.livejournal.com
That was funny in the classic, sarcastic "I AM THE CYNIC!" sort of way. Good to see your getting close to your old self.

What were the prompts, by the way?

Date: 2008-09-22 06:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I AM THE CYNIC! I WILL RULE THE WORLD!

The prompts were "money," "traveling," and "cocky."
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