Dec. 27th, 2020 02:04 am
wizened_cynic: (Default)

Not really in fandom anymore. Mostly pointless bitching about life. Fics and other crazy shenanigans will remain unlocked.

wizened_cynic: (Default)
10 years ago today I posted my first Alex/Lorelai fic.

Time's a goon, right?
wizened_cynic: (Beezus - chocolate)
So for the last couple of months, I've been forcing myself to write every weekend. Mostly it's fluffy babyfic and other self-induglent shenanigans involving Beatrice Rossi, just stuff to keep myself and a handful of buddies entertained.

For whatever reason, today [ profile] amichevole intimidated me into writing a ficlet that I ended up liking a lot, oddly enough. And therefore I am going to post it here, because I can, and because I know there are still, like, three of you who like it when I write kidfic.

Here it goes: Emily and her daughter having a meaningful conversation about babies, explosions, and hitting other people.

Title from Loudon Wainwright, the lyrics of which are so obviously slapped together out of desperation, but you gotta give him credit since nothing rhymes with daughter except manslaughter. The formatting is all fucked up because, well, let's just blame Livejournal for it since it's responsible for most of the problems in the world.

everything she takes (she takes apart) )
wizened_cynic: (SPN - Winchester vs. SARS)
For once in about FIVE years I've actually written enough fic to do this meme:

Total number of completed stories: For ease of calculation, I'm going to ignore all the little ficlets I wrote for memes (not that there were many), and I'm going to count the whole Cookie Fic, even though I wrote the first half in 2011, so basically, I am having a very difficult time following the very simple rules of this meme.

I am really bad at math, so:-

Cookie: 1
Beezus: 13
Random RPS: 2
The GG AU where Emily is Lorelai, except it's not finished, so I don't know if it counts or not: 1
That one fic where Emily is almost a mother 5 times but wasn't: 1

So, 18? Did I add right? Let's say 18. Wow, this meme is going to be long.

cut for the rest of it )
wizened_cynic: (Default)
Stolen from [ profile] havocthecat:

* Make a post (public, friends/access locked, filtered, whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

* If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

* Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ so that the holiday joy will spread.

1. This is really sad, but my own Samsonite carry-on suitcase thingy so I can stop using my roommate's briefcase to take to court.

2. DVD's of Huff, for Paget's boobs.

3. To get over my work crush and/or get my work crush drunk enough so that I can confess my feelings to her, be completely appalled, and never speak of it again.

4. I really want some really fucking dirty bareback fic where the characters are fucking to make a baby. (Ideally, it would be THE fucking dirty bareback fic where Rossi deliberately tries to knock Prentiss up, because that means I wouldn't have to write it.) (Sorry for making all of you guys recoil, my lesbian friends.)

5. The "lost" episodes of Thrilling Adventure Hour that they took off iTunes before I had a chance to download them.

6. Weird maps that I can post over my desk at work and pretend I'm heading somewhere.

7. The Cone, though it will only cause me to injure myself in weird ways YET AGAIN. (NSFW)

8. This one doesn't even make sense, but about 5 years ago I read this short story about this band of pirates who would take over other ships in the ocean and force the people on the ships to perform Greek tragedies and everyone ended up dead. I have no recollection of the author or the title, and it was a CHILDREN'S STORY, and I swear it is real because I scanned a copy of it and saved it onto my old computer in Canada except now I can't find it anywhere. SO if anyone has ANY idea what the fuck I'm talking about and can tell me which book it's from, please let me know.

9. Leave me feedback on any one of my stories! You can find them either under the tags in my side bar, or at AO3.

10. A podfic of any one of my fics (see above). [ profile] nike_ravus did one a couple years ago, and it was awesome.

11. This is just wishful thinking, but for all my cases to either get settled or thrown out so I don't have to deal with this fucking bullshit, I swear to god.

If anyone wants to send me anything, PM me and I'll give you my address. No dead animals please, or severed heads.
wizened_cynic: (cookie)
Because I need something to cheer me up and I'm a whore for flattery:-

holiday love meme 2012
my thread here
wizened_cynic: (SPN AU - our daddies fight ghosts!)
Can I just say one thing?


Because I am sleepy and bored today:

So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious but you have no idea about, or something obscure you just have to know. Ask away. All topics, within reason, are open for discussion.

wizened_cynic: (CM - Beezus 2)
An interesting sociological experiment I jacked from [ profile] threeguesses.

I'm sure I have a reputation somewhere in fandom, so... what is it?

Also, happy Halloween! I discovered today that Australian-made Snickers bars taste different from the North American ones. And here is a baby dressed like sushi:

wizened_cynic: (i AM a lesbian)
BAAAAAAAAAAH. I am trapped in an 8-hour CPD course on Commercial Drafting because I need the requisite 15 points a year, and the person teaching it was my Commercial Law professor whose exam I nearly failed. You know what, bitchface? THERE'S NO EXAM FOR THIS COURSE AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION. Especially since I am not a commercial lawyer! HA! I WIN.

Except for the part where I am bored out of my mind.

Sooooooooooo, if any of you give me a prompt, I will try to write something within these 8 hours of fucking COMMERCIAL DRAFTING HELL. Realistically I can only write SVU/GG, RPS, Criminal Minds, or if you dare to, original fic that probably begins with "She owes me 27 blowjobs."

I am so bored I actually wish I were doing work.

ETA: Filled prompts. The lecture was a complete fucking disaster, btw. I was prepared to give my ex-prof a fairly pleasant review, but she complained that my computer was "making too much noise" and wouldn't let me use it, so naturally I had to call her a bitch on the course evaluation. AND SHE CAN'T DO DICK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM NOT HER STUDENT ANYMORE.

CWRPS, Chad comes to Alex for legal advice, for [ profile] silverturtle87
CMRPS Office AU, Erica Messer's idea of a team-building exercise, for [ profile] kennedyismyhero
Cookie!Verse, FormerlyGingerbread!Lorelai discovers Halloween, for [ profile] aygul
CM/SVU babyverses, Quantum A.J. versus Beezus, for [ profile] mayireadtoday

wizened_cynic: (CM - beezus)
So. Since about a month ago I've been writing this insanely schmoopy kidfic universe where Rossi and Prentiss have a baby. I would tell you more, but seriously, at this point those of you lesbians who are still reading this journal are either laughing at me or rolling your eyes or probably both, so let's just not go there.

Anyway, I made someone cry yesterday and then, in an uncharacteristic moment of empathy, I actually felt bad about it. Plus it's been a while since I've written kidfic from the POV of a kid, which you assholes know I love to do, so this happened.

Tomorrow We'll Go to the Fair )

Except fuck me, man. Tomorrow I'm going to COURT.

wizened_cynic: (alex - fml)
[ profile] mayireadtoday suggested that I do a live commentary with [ profile] drummer_jew2002 for the premiere of Made in Jersey, which is a truly fucking shitawful CBS show in which Stephanie March plays a snarky blonde lawyer. Thank fucking god she dropped out of the show, because even my intense and undying adoration of her cannot make me watch another episode of this dreck.

The Jew puts it succinctly: I've seen more creativity in my toilet after eating corn. )

I'm sorry if any of you guys expected hilarious and witty commentary, but we just could not do it. We were too bewildered by the stupidity of it all.

Now I'm going to look at boobs on Tumblr to make myself feel better.

ETA: Okay, to make up for the utter horror that was Made in Jersey, I give you my favoritest cap from the SVU premiere from the scene I call "epic battle of the cleavages." (I couldn't bother with Mariska, sorry.)

wizened_cynic: (not a very good driver)
Kids, back in 2006, [ profile] drummer_jew2002 and I were partners in crime. None of you remember this because you were not even BORN then, so let me remind you of this brilliant review of the pilot of Conviction that we did back when it premiered.

(For those who do not remember, which is ALL of you, Conviction was the short-lived and terrible spinoff in which Alex Cabot was heterosexual and wore very ugly clothes.)

6 years later, a little older but none the wiser, we give you live commentary of the Season 14 premiere of SVU, guest-starring Paget Brewster and Cragen's penis.

Jew posted this on her Facebook status:

Does SVU REALLY need to say that the story is fictional at this point? I mean, hasn't this show gone so far over the top that everyone knows they're not depicting any actual person or event?

And the ensuing conversation happened in her comments.

can we focus on what is truly important ie paget brewster's hair? )

Now I have to, like, drink sleep tea so I can go to sleep and wake up to another day of agony and self-loathing.
wizened_cynic: (jesus-san meets kitty-chan)
[ profile] silverturtle87 had a lot of questions. I had a lot of time, because my doctor's appointment isn't until 4:00 pm. This happened.

probably more than you ever want to know about me )

Okay, that didn't take as long as I thought it would. Maybe I should, I don't know, brush my teeth or something.

wizened_cynic: (Default)
I signed up for [community profile] cottoncandy_bingo and one of the squares was "Baby."

I don't even know if this qualifies as fluff. It's more crack than fluff, but arguably it has a happy ending? For Chad at least. Not so much for Alex.

Put that baby back where you found it. )

This entry was originally posted at Please comment there using OpenID.
wizened_cynic: (good cop bad cop. nypd cop.)
1. The subject of this post is a true story. Our Duane Raid or whateveryouwanttocallit here is doing a super amazing summer special deal: if you buy maxi pads, they will give you canned fish.

2. Where I work, making partner is considered a valid excuse for the complete and utter lack of human decency. To be fair, it's probably like this in all law firms.

3. Because I got two awesome mystical fpreg drabbles from [ profile] threeguesses, so I thought I'd pay it forward:

Tell me about a story I haven't written, and I'll give you between one and three (R-rated) sentences from that story.

Except for the fact that I can't really write porn, and I've spent the last 20 hours reading really bad babyfic on YOU ARE WARNED.

ETA: If you haven't been watching Don't Trust the B___ in Apt. 23, then I don't want to be friends with you. If you HAVE been watching the aforementioned, then you must read this delightful gem of a fic here. Chloe/June. Best EVER.

wizened_cynic: (alex - pensive)
Hey, remember how in 2003, everyone was writing SVU fic, and I waited until 2006 to do it? And then! Remember how in 2007, everyone was writing Criminal Minds fic, and I was writing SVU fic?

GUESS WHAT? It's 2012 and I am finally writing Criminal Minds fic!

Yeah, I don't know, I started this when I was on vacation and I managed to have no internet connection, no USB, and pretty much no way of transferring a word document off my 9-year-old computer, so I had to write it by hand. The bitch of it is, there are 13 parts to it, and goddamn by part 3 I was not only bored but also suffered from repetitive stress injury. Maybe someday I'll finish parts 4 to 13, but for now here's 1 to 3.

I probably should've mentioned this earlier, but this is the Criminal Minds AU that is a loose adaptation (really quite loose, I'd even say) of Gilmore Girls. I probably should mention this now, but there are totally Rossi/Prentiss overtones to it. Sorry, dude. Otherwise it is perfectly safe gen.

where you lead, i will follow

13 ways of looking at Emily Prentiss as a mother

1 | 2 | 3

ETA 5 August 2012 - I am literally too fucking lazy to do all the formatting here, so this fic from now on is only being updated at AO3:

Look, I almost made it to the end of a whole post without bitching about how much I hate my job!
wizened_cynic: (SM2 (annapie))
Okay, let me preface this by saying: this is completely [ profile] omiceti's fault.

Back in August of 2011, I was trying to convince her to watch Supernatural, and somehow that ended up with me promising to write a fic in which there were gingerbread lesbians. The result is this massive fic, all of which I wrote in a gmail window. Well, several gmail windows. Throughout the months.

[ profile] omiceti liked this fic (HER FIC!) so much that she asked me to post it. As you can tell from the above, I am pretty good at being told what I'm told as long as that person telling me isn't a fat associate in the Trust Planning department of my firm, in which case I WILL NEVER DO WHATEVER YOU ASK AND I HOPE YOU DIE. But I digress.

So this is it. A story wherein Alex Cabot falls in love with a gingerbread cookie. Magical realism, bitches!

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

The title is from Maya Stein's gorgeous poem Strong. All mistakes are mine. A billion thanks to [ profile] omiceti and [ profile] mcdoh1902, inter aliae, for indulging in and encouraging the crazy.

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