wizened_cynic | alternative dispute resolution (Reply)

bank_farter asked me to do Alex (she didn't really need to; I'd do Alex anyway, in any which way I can) for this meme, so I did. And because I am so outrageously bored by law, I did ALL of the options, instead of picking just one. So. Here goes.

Oh, and Alex/Olivia shippers probably should avoid.

(a) Three facts about Alex from my personal fanon

1. Somebody gave her an EZ Bake Oven when she was seven. She's not sure who was stupid enough to do that. Everyone knows the cook does all of the baking in the house. Why would she ever want to partake in any of it?

2. Lorelai's the only person she's ever slept with who can make her laugh so hard during sex that Alex ends up falling off the bed.

3. Sometimes she feels a twinge of guilt when Lorelai watches Hannah Montana and talks about how it's not fair that Miley is lying about who she really is to her best friend, and then she will feel ridiculous because it's Hannah Montana.

(b) One reason why Alex sucks

She doesn't think The Princess Bride is the best movie in the world, maybe even the universe.

She doesn't like the Ninja Turtles movies either.

(c) One reason why Alex is awesome

Lorelai catches a cold when she stays out in the snow for too long, and that cold turns into pneumonia, which means Lorelai turns into a big, whiny baby, and despite complaining about what a big, whiny baby Lorelai is, Alex cheers her up by going out into the yard and building her a legion of snow minions.

Lorelai has never loved another person (except for Rory, but in a totally, completely different way) as much as she loves Claire in that moment.

(d) ~~Five~~ FOUR things that never happened to Alex Cabot (and one that might've)

1. She comes home after being ass-chewed by Lewin (not literally, because, EW, and because I know ALL YOUR MINDS ARE GOING THERE) and finds toddler A.J. in her closet, with a note pinned to her jacket that says, "Studying for midterms. Will come back for her later. Signed, Alex Cabot."

2. She gives a fake name to the nurse: Caroline. Caroline Montgomery. It's her mother's maiden name. She waits. She didn't bring a book with her, and it would seem inappropriate, somehow, to be reading at a time like this. A time like this. She pulls her sweater over her stomach, which is still flat. Will stay flat. She waits. Her hands are cold. She puts them into her pockets, curls her fists. She waits. The nurse calls out her name. She waits. Caroline Montgomery. She sits, fists still clenched. Caroline Montgomery. Caroline Montgomery. The nurse shakes her head. Checks something off a chart, disappears into the back. Alex gets up, not at all feeling her legs, and walks out.

3. The bullet grazes her shoulder, but it's nothing some gauze or a giant Band Aid can't fix. They keep her in the hospital overnight, and in the morning Hammond comes and tells her that Zapata has flipped on Velez. Velez is in custody as they speak; Colombia is already filing for the extradition. Alex gets three days off, gets a raise, gets a promotion, gets Liz Donnelly's job a few years down the road.

She never hears about a town in Connecticut called Stars Hollow, never meets a woman named Lorelai Gilmore.

4. There are books in the doctor's office, but Alex's mother tells her not to touch them. They are covered in other people's germs.

Alex is missing school today because she has the flu. She's not happy about that because she loves school. They are learning how to read, but Alex knows how to read already. She likes to remind the teacher that.

It is almost Alex's turn when the door opens and a woman in a fur coat comes flying in, dragging a little girl behind her. She asks to see the doctor RIGHT NOW because it is an EMERGENCY.

The nurse tells her she has to wait.

The woman starts yelling at the nurse, while her little girl lets go of her hand and walks towards Alex. She is wearing an alligator puppet on her hand, and she makes the alligator say to Alex, "Hi."

Alex looks at the girl, and then looks at her mother, wondering what she's supposed to say to a girl who talks through a puppet.

"Alexandra, what do you say?" Alex's mother prompts.

"Hi," Alex says. "I have the flu," she adds, hoping that would make the girl stay away from her.

"I have a peanut in my nose."

Alex can't help herself. She giggles. "Why do you have a peanut in your nose?"

"I wanted to see if it would fit."

"Does it?" Alex's mother asks, sounding like she's trying not to laugh.

"Sure does!" the girl says.

And that is how Alex meets Lorelai Gilmore.

5. "I love you," Alex says, and when Lorelai turns around, her expression is so smug that Alex almost regrets having said it.

"I knew I was going to get that out of you sooner or later."

(e) five characters Alex never fell in love with

1. Luke Danes - Their first date was also their last date, and they spent it talking about Lorelai. Needless to say, it was either not going to work out, or it was going to be a storyline on Big Love. They both picked the first one.

2. Tim Donovan - There was a moment, but then he got blown up by Zapata.

3. Jim Steele - Alex is perfectly aware of the way he looks at her when he thinks she isn't looking, but honestly, she is just not into him, and has never been.

4. Danny Taylor - His partner died and he'd started drinking again, and she, she was living in a safehouse under somebody else's name. He lit a cigarette for her, didn't laugh when she started coughing. Took it from her and stamped it out with his heel. He told her that there were some things you couldn't change about a person. He told her that he would take her home. She believed him, because she had to. They would have kissed, but then another marshal rapped on the door, told them it was time to go.

5. Olivia Benson - Alex thinks that if things had gone differently, she could have loved her. Would have loved her. Things had gone sour after the case with Carrie Hewitt, but they could've had a second chance. That night, after the explosion. But then she went into witness protection. It's not something that keeps Alex up at night, though, not when she already has Lorelai to keep her up at night. Things happen for a reason; you've got to believe that, or you'd go insane wondering.