Nobody has plum juice!

[wizened_cynic]

I'm not sure how this happened, but it's probably because a) just the other day I was telling thefutilitarian about the Claire UTI fic that I wrote way back when, b) I promised silverturtle87 I'd try to write fic and she gives me the shit I need on Frontierville so I feel like I owe her one, and c) I got this nasty insect bite on my arm that I squeezed until it popped and now it hurts but it also feels better in a way and for some reason it inspired this. I don't even know.

Just a warning: there is talk about the lancing of boils but no actual boils were lanced in the writing of this ficlet. Nor is there actual boil-lancing in the content of this ficlet. I'm just all talk, baby.

"I've never lanced a boil," said Lorelai.

Alex had been living with her for two months, so she was used to Lorelai's non-sequiturs. She was still working on perfecting a way to respond, since ignoring them didn't seem to have any effect on Lorelai.

"You must feel so deprived," Alex said finally, over the edge of the Hartford Courier.

"You know what? I do. I do feel deprived, Claire. I mean, what if it's a life-changing experience? What if I'm great at lancing boils and it's in fact a talent that the good Lord has bestowed on me, only I've never been able to discover that because I've never had a chance to lance a boil?"

It was obvious by now that there was no chance of Alex being able to finish her paper in peace, so she set it down and waited for Lorelai to continue.

"What if, at some point in the future, our president John Connor has a giant, life-threatening boil that needs to be properly lanced in order to save his life, and I am the only person with the skill to do it, except I can't do it because I've never had the chance to practice?"

"Is there a surgeon general in this particular version of the future?"

"Yes, but we are at war and the president is hiding at the Dragonfly because there's a mole in his office and the surgeon general doesn't know that because he doesn't have security clearance."

"But you do."

"Yes."

"Despite the lack of boil-lancing skills."

"Hey, I make a wicked cup of coffee and I look really good in a skirt."

That much Alex had to agree with. It was probably not a good idea to try and rationalize Lorelai's insanity, but it was the only coping mechanism Alex had at the moment.

"Claire."

"No, Lorelai, I do not have a boil you can lance." Lorelai was still looking at her wistfully. Alex sighed and rubbed the side of her head. "But at some point in the future, if I do have one, I will let you lance it for me, if only so that you can discover your talent and, one day, save the life of our president."

"President John Connor."

Rolling her eyes would be redundant. "President John Connor."

"Well," Lorelai said, leaning back into the armchair and grinning lazily, "I appreciate it, Claire, but I think I'll pass. Lancing a boil, that's so . . . eccchhhhhh." She made a face and an accompanying sound that resembled a cat trying to regurgitate a sparrow. She hopped onto her feet and turned towards the kitchen. "I'm gonna grab another Mallomar, want one?"

Alex declined, still in awe at the ridiculous conversation that had occurred, but then she realized she was laughing. She thought she was laughing, at least. She'd forgotten what laughter felt like, and now she remembered. It was almost like being alive again.

I actually really enjoyed the latest episode of Rookie Blue. Who would've thought? (Missy P with her shiny, shiny hair OMG.)

Comments

[mayireadtoday.livejournal.com]

Great line: "Yes, but we are at war and the president is hiding at the Dragonfly because there's a mole in his office and the surgeon general doesn't know that because he doesn't have security clearance."

Nice to see you writing this verse again.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm very glad you liked it!

[onlyjustwhisper.livejournal.com]

FIC!!! And even though it's about something kinda gross, it's still beyond adorable and made me smile a lot ♥

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

You're gonna be a doctor! Get used to gross!

Thanks, UP! ♥

[silverturtle87.livejournal.com]

That was pure gold. Alex tries to be all self-sacrificing and offers to let Lorelai lance her as yet nonexistent boil and Lorelai, of course, refuses on the grounds that it's gross. Wonderful. I'd be laughing to, in fact I am laughing. Hooray for Alex feeling alive again.

You totally didn't owe me anything, but I'm really glad you thought you did because it made you write! Yay!

Missy's hair has always been magic and shiny, it's her superpower. Great hair.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Don't question my weird sense of responsibility. But thank you and yay! I am happy that you liked this!

Her hair is looking better in recent episodes because she's letting it down instead of tying it in a bun all the time. I greatly approve!

[metalphoenix.livejournal.com]

I love how you still have their voices down perfectly. And how Claire has just become resigned to conversations with Lorelai.I'm just going to go ahead and pretend that this was REALLY for my birthday, ok? K.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Ironbird, but really? You want a ficlet about BOILS for your birthday?

[metalphoenix.livejournal.com]

Sadly? Better than my actual birthday.

[fallon-ash.livejournal.com]

Sweeet... Claire! Lorelai! Yay!

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

:DDDDDDDDDD

[thefutilitarian.livejournal.com]

"President John Connor."

Ha! Does that make this a crossover within a crossover?
Because that's fucking awesome.

Pure gold... and whilst I can't claim any credit in inspiring hilarity, I am bloody glad your muse whispered in your ear, if only for a little while.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Maybe it is, or maybe! Everything is just one big interconnected universe!

I am bloody glad you enjoyed this. Thank you!

[annapie.livejournal.com]

Oh oh oh, Claire in Stars Hollow, the best universe in the history of all universe! This made me way happier than is normal in an adjusted grown-up.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :DDDDDDDD

[tabasco4.livejournal.com]

Yaaaay, fic! It is of the awesome to see you writing! On a more somber note, I watched bits of the hostage situation too. So frustrating. So really disorienting--awful--to be able to witness such things in real time from half a world away.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked. I'm also glad that I'm writing again ... sort of.

I can't talk about the hostage situation without devolving into a fit of rage, so I won't. But yeah, it was awful. The worst part is knowing the victims died senselessly and due to the police and government's utter incompetence.

[mcdoh1902.livejournal.com]

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T COMMENT ON THIS. I LIKE, BOTHERED YOU INCESSANTLY ABOUT WRITING FOR A WHILE.

Haha, boils. I had one, once.

I blame cross-country.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I KNOW! SO MANY TIMES I GAVE YOU FALSE HOPE AND THE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY DELIVERED YOU WERE GONEEEEEEEEE.

Ew. I've never had a boil, fortunately, but zits are pretty much mini-boils and I've lanced a couple of those in my day.