I want you to have something I don't need anymore

[wizened_cynic]

Holy shit, I haven't been here in forever!

I'm still alive (barely) and am three exams down. Two more to go.

On a happy note, I did not fail the awful oral submissions thing where I was almost in contempt of court. I didn't get a great mark, but I ain't complaining, considering I seriously thought I would fail because I wasn't allowed to argue LAW so I had no idea how they were supposed to assess me.

On an even happier note, I totally motherfucking pwned my plea in mitigation for Criminal Litigation. Like, honestly, it was the punched-it-in-the-face-and-then-got-its-girlfriend-pregnant-by-mystical-powers-of-fpreg kind of pwned.

To celebrate my survival of this insane term, I'm bringing back, for the holidays, the BEST FIC MEME EVER.

Rules:

1. Pick a card on someecards.com. Any card.It doesn't even have to anything to do with Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever you're into.

2. I will write something for you based on that e-card. I pick the pairing/characters, so you may end up with Alex/Lorelai, or you may end up with Demon Hunter!JJ, or you may end up with CHAD.

3. I actually filled out all the prompts last time I did this, so there's a good chance I will be able to do the same this time!


I have no idea how many of you are still around, but I hope I'll get a couple of prompts at least! I feel Christmasy! And Chad-dy! God, it's never good when I feel Chad-dy.

And now I will watch SVU and relax. Shut up, I know I make bad choices. (But OMG! NEAL IS JUMPING SHIP! THERE IS A TINY TINY TINY POSSIBILITY THAT THE BLOODY SHOW WOULD FINALLY END AND I CAN BE FREEEEEEEEEEEE.)




BEST FIC MEME EVER! DO IT!!!!!!

Comments

[silverturtle87.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy you're still alive!!

Good for you not blowing the oral examinations...Seriously, how are you supposed to argue law when you're not allowed to ARGUE LAW? These people teaching you are crazy. I'm sure this will somehow serve you well in your future.

AWESOME! That is the type of pwning I like to see! (Not literally, because creepy, but I'm so pleased you did so well!)

Oh oh, I wasn't here for the last meme but I read those cards and the fics and now I have to give it a shot. So here we go:
http://www.someecards.com/encouragement-cards/ive-almost-decided-whether-or-not
http://www.someecards.com/encouragement-cards/id-like-to-offer-moral-support
http://www.someecards.com/flirting-cards/i-promise-to-fantasize-its-you-whos-manhandling-me-during-the-new-preflight-patdowns

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

The judge was being a little cunt on purpose, I think. At one point I tried to quote from an authority and he waved me off and was all, "I know that shit already, tell me something I don't know." Dude, if I knew anything, I wouldn't be in law school. WTF.

Those are some good choices you made! I will work on these in the next couple of days all the way until ... before Christmas or something. I need time. And sleep. But I will get around to them! I am inspired already!

[silverturtle87.livejournal.com]

I hate that judge then. I am sending him all the bad mental mojo I can...it'll probably only make him spill hot coffee on his crotch though, I'm not typically a negative person.

Take your time! And you don't have to do all of them. I was over excited because I inserted the links right (something I've never done before because I am lame and computer retarded sometimes) and felt like showing off to myself. I'm lame. I know. But oh, I'm so glad to hear that you're inspired!

[onlyjustwhisper.livejournal.com]

I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU!! *tacklehugs* ♥

And I knew you'd ace those exams, so well done! I'm so proud of you!! :D

*squishes* ♥

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I only aced ONE exam, but thanks anyway!!! *appreciative fistbumps*

Do you want to do the meme? I'm slowly getting around to them!

[precious-sin.livejournal.com]

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Alex/Lauren, Gospel According to Chad 'Verse

*

If it were up to Alex, she wouldn't have invited Lauren over for Christmas, mostly because she actually liked Lauren --- she really, really liked Lauren --- and Alex would never subject anyone she liked to the annual Cabot Christmas Catastrophe.

"It alliterates!" Lauren exclaimed. "I can't not go to something that alliterates in such a cheesy and ridiculous way."

Lauren seemed capable of handling family dysfunction and copious amounts of alcohol, so Alex reluctantly conceded and told her mother that she would be bringing a guest.

"Of course you are, sweetie," her mother said indulgently, still unconvinced that Alex was in a relationship with Lauren Graham. Her father was unconvinced that Lauren Graham even existed.

Sometimes Alex wondered why she hadn't yet disowned her entire family.

Chad had already arrived at the mansion and was nursing a bottle of Absinthe in the front parlor. "'Sup, bitches?" he asked in greeting as Alex re-introduced Lauren.

"No strippers this year?" Lauren asked. She turned to Alex. "You promised me there would be strippers."

"I like her," Chad said, nodding towards Lauren, or, more specifically, Lauren's breasts. "I would totally sleep with her behind your back, but I've already tried and she turned me down because she's a giant dyke, and I respect that."

"Thank you, Chad," said Alex, squeezing Lauren's hand to stop her from bursting out laughing. Chad was depressed over his mother's remarriage, which probably accounted for the lack of strippers. He'd declared himself to be a state of mourning last time Alex had stopped by his apartment. Anything could tip him over the edge and Chad crying was not something Alex was prepared to deal with, not today.

"She has excellent tits," Chad commented. "You are a lucky lady, big sister."

"I know I am," Alex said. "Now stop looking at them."

[precious-sin.livejournal.com]

*loves you*

[silverturtle87.livejournal.com]

Oh Chad! You lovable cad! This is boss. Well done.

[mayireadtoday.livejournal.com]

Re: your exam news -- WHOO-HOO!

(http://www.someecards.com/birthday-cards/i-bet-your-birthday-would-be-a-bigger-deal-this-time-of-year-if-you-were-conceived-by-a-virgin)

(http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/fcdeb0ff75a4aaab945010b7498585e8)

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Also, this is Alex/Lorelai, SPN AU

*

It was wrong how easily Lorelai took to pretending to be prostitute.

"I can't help it if I'm naturally good at getting into character," she drawled in the southern accent she'd adopted for the personae of Betsy. "So, how do I look?"

"Like a hooker," Alex replied. "I can sense a career change in the future when the war is over and there's nothing left for us to hunt."

Lorelai stuck her tongue out at Alex and twirled around in the costume she'd insisted on putting together for the hunt. It consisted of an obscenely tight tube top, a scrap of fabric that passed for a miniskirt, fishnet stockings, and, to quote Lorelai, "this thong that's totally giving me a rash."

"Do you want to go over my backstory with me?" Lorelai asked, kneeling on the bed next to Alex, because sitting was basically impossible in what she was wearing.

"No."

"But Betsy! Has a heart of gold! She's just down on her luck because she recently escaped the evil clutches of her abusive boyfriend and she's trying to make enough money to support her four younger sisters back in Missouri."

"Why does she need four younger sisters?"

"Because I've already named them Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy."

"Are you trying to get the ghost to be sympathetic? Because considering he's a Jack the Ripper nutjob fan who slaughters hookers when it's full moon, I seriously doubt you could convince him to let you go, even if you do have four younger sisters to feed."

"Fine," Lorelai said. "Three sisters: Piper, Phoebe, and Prue."

Alex rolls her eyes. "Whatever. Get into character all you want, just don't make me listen to it, and don't get yourself killed. I'll be right around back to rock salt the bastard as soon as he appears."

"Awwwww. Lookit you, watching my back," Lorelai crooned, throwing her arms around Alex and snuggling her face against Alex's neck. "I'd totally be a hooker to keep you clothed and fed."

Alex tried pushing her away, her eyes watering from the cheap perfume Lorelai was wearing, but Lorelai only hugged her tighter, because Lorelai was cruel like that, and if it was wrong how easily her sister took to pretending to be a prostitute, it was probably even more wrong how turned on Alex was by it.

[mcdoh1902.livejournal.com]

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Um, I don't know what this is, but hopefully it's better than your final?

*

Sophia started the blog mostly to get back at Chad for dumping her and for being a douchebag in general, which everyone agreed was a total valid reason, if not the best reason, for doing anything, ever.

Her first post was about how one of Chad's balls was bigger than the other, something she made up because she had not, thankfully, gotten far enough with him to verify whether that was true.

Her blog got so many hits that she continued posting random things she observed around the school (Hilarie is going out with Jeff Morgan! Genevieve dyed her hair in the chem lab with scented markers!) and soon she was being compared to Gossip Girl, which Sophia admitted was kind of cool, except she thought Gossip Girl was a chickenshit. Sophia owned up to everything she wrote. It's called responsible journalism.

Of course Katie ruined all of that for her when Sophia left her computer unattended for thirty seconds to help her mom unload groceries. By the time Sophia got back, Katie had already posted on her blog, "DANNEEL HARRIS IS A SKANK."

"What the hell, Katie!" Sophia went to delete the post but there were already sixty hits or so and someone in Danneel's posse probably screen-capped the whole thing.

"Bitch stole my parking spot," Katie explained.

"That doesn't make her a skank."

"Well, calling her a slut would be like saying the sky is blue, or Jared is gay. What's the point?"

"The point is, we don't make up lies on my blog! We just make the truth sound ridiculous and sarcastic!"

"How do you know Danneel isn't a skank? Have you even talked to her?"

Sophia hadn't, not really. They'd been in a group project together for History, but Sophia had mostly mumbled into her notes while Danneel was smart and organized and loud and mostly gorgeous.

And not at all skanky.

Sophia wasn't surprised when Danneel showed up at her locker the next morning. She didn't seem pissed off, and she didn't have her posse with her, but in her Manolo Blahniks and perfectly-applied makeup, her mere presence in the hallway was completely daunting.

"So you called me a skank," Danneel began.

"That was a mistake," Sophia said. "I'm so sorry about that. I deleted it right away."

Danneel gazed Sophia up and down, like she was trying to decide whether or not to slap her in the face, and even as Danneel was deciding whether or not to slap her in the face, Sophia couldn't help but think about kissing her.

"You've got balls," Dannel said, finally. "I like that."

"Uh. Okay. Thanks?"

"Do you like smoothies? You'll like smoothies. We'll have smoothies after class," Danneel said. The bell rang and she started down the hallway, looking back only when she realized Sophia wasn't following her. "Do you need a horse-drawn carriage, princess? C'mon, let's go."

"Right," Sophia replied, still half-dazed, and hurried after her.

You don't mess with Danneel Harris, and Sophia did like smoothies.

[aquila1nz.livejournal.com]

Yay to passing things! And since there are still more things left to pass, here you go: http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/filestorage/good-luck-passing-bar-encouragement-ecard-someecards.jpg

As for prompts, I got this on my very first e-card roulette:
http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/filestorage/having-appropriately-congratulations-ecard-someecards.jpg

But this one wins fpreg awards: http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/filestorage/liked-better-sucked-boobs-baby-ecard-someecards.jpg

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

You know I had to choose the fpreg one. bun_in_oven 'verse:



Alex was prepared for the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, the general inconvenience of being responsible for a tiny, helpless being.

What she hadn't anticipated was how freely and frequently strangers would approach her and talk about breasts.

"I'm not making this up," she insists when Lorelai smiles at her in the you're-crazy-so-I'll-just-smile-and-think-of-ways-to-quietly-slip-away way. It's the kind of smile Alex has perfected after years of living in Stars Hollow, so she recognizes it when she sees it.

"I think it's just your hormones doing wonky things to you," Lorelai says. "Oxytocin's supposed to make you high. You're probably just high, Claire."

"Who's high?" Luke asks as he refills Lorelai's coffee. Alex stares at it longingly, even though she's never been a fan of coffee. It's counter-intuitive on evolution's part that new mothers shouldn't have coffee when they so clearly need it for their survival.

"Claire," says Lorelai. "She thinks random people keep coming up to her and talking about breasts."

Luke makes a pained face and Alex tells him, "You've got to learn to stop asking." Then, to Lorelai, "Whether you believe it or not, I am not hallucinating any of this. I swear to god, I didn't even have to put up with this much talk about breasts when I was the sex crimes ADA."

The baby chooses at this moment to start making peeping noises. Alex sighs and begins unbuttoning her shirt. Luke is probably somewhere in the back, hiding.

"Notice how I am right here," Lorelai says, "and I am not talking to you about breasts. Are you still sure it's not the oxytocin making you high?"

Her smugness is interrupted when a woman, probably a tourist, stops by their table and tells Alex to keep nursing the baby for as long as possible. "The pediatrician recommends six months, but I say, do it for as long as you can. My husband lost interest in me after I stopped breastfeeding my Tyler."

As soon as the woman has left, Alex turns to Lorelai and says, "Do you want to admit you're wrong, or should I subject you to a lengthy speech on how vindicated I feel right at this moment?"

"I would never leave you just because you stop breastfeeding," Lorelai says.

Lengthy speech it is.

[propter-hoc.livejournal.com]

Huzzah! She returns. Congrats on not only passing your exams, but continuing to survive..

So, might this float your boat?

http://www.someecards.com/somewhat-topical-cards/wikileaks-spying-government-files-surveillance-facebook-updates

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

The Facebook account was Lorelai's idea.

"I need another friend so I can level up my farm," she explained.

"Each of those words make sense on its own," Alex said, "but when you put them together, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"And that is why you need Facebook!" Lorelai crowed over the frantic clicking of her mouse. "So I can introduce you to the addictive glory that is Farmville! It's like crack, except free! Unless you spend real money on Farm Bucks, which I may or may not have done. Your honor, I plead the fifth."

It was useless to even try to understand.

"Just don't use my real name," Alex said, and of course that opened a can of worms which led to a lengthy discussion on metaphysics and the meaning of real. Both Aristotle and the Velveteen Rabbit were quoted and there was talk of bringing Fringe into the conversation until Alex finally relented.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Lorelai, just add me as a neighbor on your stupid game."

"If you'd agreed to that forty minutes ago, we could've had sex instead," Lorelai said indignantly.

"But hey, now you get to level up," Alex deadpanned.

Lorelai nodded. "Everyday I am faced with impossible choices."

There was really only one way to get that shit-eating grin off Lorelai's face, and after some rough fumbling on the couch like a couple of teenagers, Lorelai scuttled off to harvest her tomatoes ("I hope you realize how completely insane you sound," Alex called after her), Alex scrolled through her new Facebook account to make sure Lorelai hadn't posted anything too personal.

It was, apparently, too late.



Alex didn't know exactly what the "Like" meant or the repercussions it could lead to, but she clicked it anyway.

This one!

[eolan.livejournal.com]

http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/filestorage/help-fight-aids-less-slut-somewhat-topical-ecards-someecards.png

Re: This one!

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I feel like you and I will be the only ones who understand this fandom.

*

Decimus has been going down a slut spiral ever since he came back from Greece.

Quintus catches him making out with Marcus down in the bath house and there are rumors that he and Flavius are having an illicit affair. News travel quickly and Quintus's parents are urging him to stage an intervention.

Quintus's stops by Decimus's villa just as Flavius is leaving.

"Dude," Quintus says, more confused than judgmental, "Flavius? Really?"

"Older men are more ... experienced," Decimus says, sucking on a grape. "Dicaeopolis taught me things that no younger man could even dream of."

"Vae! Curse that wretched farmer!" Quintus says. "You're supposed to marry my sister, remember?"

Decimus shrugs. "I'll still marry her. I'm an equal opportunity lover."

"You're an ass, is what you are."

Decimus shakes his head. "You're just jealous, amice. And hey, don't knock it until you've tried it."

And so Quintus decides to try it.

Quintus Decimum osculatur.

[metalphoenix.livejournal.com]

Way to pwn, dude. *fistbumps of awesome*

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Alex/Lauren, Gospel According to Chad 'Verse



Alex did not think she was overreacting.

"Honey," Lauren said gently, "you're making a face that I've only previously seen on an emoticon."

Chad snapped his fingers and shouted, "The purplish face that looks like The Scream!"

"Yes, exactly!"

Chad and Lauren bumped fists, and Alex wondered, briefly, whether she had died and was actually in hell.

"I don't think there's an adequate way for me to express my horror and sorrow," Alex said.

"Not even through emoji (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emoji)?" asked Lauren, all efforts to be sympathetic negated by the smirk on her face.

"A woman with whom I once had a long and serious relationship is getting married. To a man."

"Aaaaand she's pregnant! BOO YA!" Chad chortled, clearly delighting in Alex's suffering.

"I'm being invited to, I quote, witness the single most joyous event in her life, which will then be followed by her baby shower."

Alex put her face in her hands and tried to breathe slowly through her nose like her therapist had recommended shortly before she fired him for being useless. "And she said I could bring along 'a friend.'"

"I call dibs on that," said Chad. "Olivia knows a lot of hot lezzies."

"Maybe you should bring Chad along," said Lauren. "There's no better way to ruin a wedding."

"As tempting as that may sound, I'm going to say no, because I don't actually hate her," said Alex.

"You could bring me along for moral support," suggested Lauren, brushing back a strand of hair from Alex's temple, "but let me warn you, I have questionable morals."

"I suppose questionable moral support is still better than none," Alex conceded, pulling Lauren down and kissing her through her giggles.

Even through closed eyes Alex could feel the flash of Chad's camera phone but right then, she didn't even care.

[madcap-shiny.livejournal.com]

High-fives on the continued survival! *mfb*

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I'm returning to my roots just for this one. Also, don't ask me how I know, but Amber Tamblyn and Miranda Cosgrove (Sloan) have the same birthday.

**

God's asked her to do so many weird things over the years that Joan rarely questions him anymore. She complains a little out of habit, but mostly she just rolls her eyes.

This week's assignment is not even all that weird. It's definitely not as awesome as Joan had anticipated though. Hollywood people are crazy, especially when it comes to digging up dirt on Disney starlets. Already Joan's been offered bribes from random paparazzi.

"There's nothing else for today," Joan tells Sloan back in the hotel room. They're in the penthouse suite of Four Seasons Maui. Sometimes God is awesome. "But tomorrow's going to be brutal. We've got to re-shoot yesterday's scenes, then in the afternoon there's some signing thing at the mall, and Miley Cyrus is having a birthday party tomorrow night."

Sloan makes a face that Joan must've made a million times when she was Sloan's age. "Do I really have to go?" she whines, sounding more six than sixteen.

"I don't really think you have a choice," Joan says. The paps have been on a feeding frenzy about rivalries between Disney co-stars and Disney's PR is getting concerned.

"Well, tomorrow's gonna suck." Sloan sighs.

Joan has to bite her lip to stop herself from pointing out that Sloan is whining about having to go to a birthday party, but then again Joan supposes she'd be whining too if she had to go to Miley Cyrus' birthday party.

Instead, she just asks, "Should I order you dinner?"

Sloan makes that face again. "Room service is boring." (God, Joan hates teenagers. Was she that annoying when she was a teenager?) "Come on, let's go have something good."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. Come on."

They get a table at some swanky Japanese restaurant where normal people have to make reservations six months in advance, but Sloan just waltzes in and maître d’ is falling over himself and asking for an autograph "for his kids."

Joan still doesn't eat raw fish (because, gross, it's raw fish), but there are a million other dishes that she's never heard of which are cooked, and Sloan orders all of them for her.

They eat mostly in silence because they aren't really friends and have nothing in common except, well, Sloan, and Sloan doesn't really like talking about herself that much. Which Joan found kind of surprising at first. But if there's anything she's learned from being God's errand-girl, it's that people are surprising.

Someone must've tweeted about Sloan's presence at the restaurant, because soon the paparazzi arrive and start taking photos through the window. Joan has the maître d’ move them to a private room, but dinner is ruined and Sloan looks small and miserable as she sips her ramune soda through a straw.

"You know," Joan says, feeling sorry for the kid. Jesus, she's just a kid. "You don't have to do this. You can quit."

Sloan stares at her. "What am I going to do if I quit?"

"I don't know, go to college?" Joan says. "Backpack through Asia? Eat the world's largest bacon cheeseburger?"

"Largest bacon cheeseburger?" Sloan raises an eyebrow.

Joan waves her hand. "Whatever. I'm just making an example. You can do anything if you wanted to."

Sloan stares at her some more as she finishes her soda with a loud slurp. "Okay," she says slowly, like she's trying out the idea. "But I still have to go to Miley's party?"

Joan gives her an apologetic look. "Yeah, that I can't get you out of. Sorry."

Sloan nods, and she looks so sad that Joan reaches out and rests her hand on her shoulder. "I'll google world's largest cheeseburger tonight, okay?" she says. "We'll work on that after Miley's party."

Joan swears she's never seen Sloan smile so wide, ever.


**

This is, like, Joan of Arcadia/The Good Wife. I DON'T EVEN KNOW. Sloan is Miranda Cosgrove's character in this one episode where she was a Disney star that got in a DUI and her life sucked. Uh, this ficlet is probably set before the TGW episode. I don't know. Amber Tamblyn and Miranda Cosgrove have the same birthday. Let's just ponder that for a minute.

[tremblingmoon.livejournal.com]

Awwww...brain, I've missed you! Not that I've been on LJ in yeeeeaaaarsss.

Okay, I'll play: http://www.someecards.com/flirting-cards/expect-a-drunk-dial-soon

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I miss you too, Worm! Good thing we have Facebook!!!

Yeah, I don't know what the shit it is. A bit of Claire mixed in with Seasons 10 and 11 of SVU and a whole lot of meta.

***

Some days Alex is acutely aware of how much she hates her job.

This is one of those days.

Not that she's ever considered Stars Hollow's Founder's Day celebration to be of particular significance to her, but she would take Taylor's histrionics and Kirk's general weirdness over listening to a detailed account of a twelve-year-old prostitute being raped and strangled, then thrown into the East River.

"We have to cut him a deal," Alex tells the detectives after the interview. One of the perps is willing to flip on his partner if it means getting to stay off Death Row.

It's a flimsy case; no eyewitnesses, no DNA, nothing conclusive on the forensic front.

Olivia stares at her incredulously. Elliot slams the door shut behind him as he storms out of the room. Cragen just looks tired.

Some days, Alex really hates her job.

She's on her way back to the office when she receives a text from Lorelai: Hitting the founder's day punch now. Expect a drunk dial soon.

Another one arrives moments later. No, wait, even better- IM GONNA DRUNK FACETIME YOU

Alex laughs to herself, even though it's probably wrong and inappropriate (god, if Olivia and Elliot were here, there would be even more incredulous stares and door-slamming).

Bring it on, Alex texts back, even though she'd made her opinion clear that Facetime is the invention of the devil.

("Steve Jobs is the devil?" Lorelai gasped the first time Alex had said it. "My mom's not going to be thrilled that her throne's been stolen.")

The text that arrives next is gibberish interspersed with a fair amount of punctuation, so Alex assumes the Founder's Day punch has kicked in and Lorelai is already too wasted for drunk Facetime.

Just like that, her day is a little better, notwithstanding dead children and making deals with murderers. It's probably not right, and it's probably not fair, but Alex isn't trying to save the world anymore (she's done that already, and failed) (but she's managed to save herself); she's just trying to do her job to the best of her ability, and then go home to Lorelai.