Why is your hand in a chicken?

[wizened_cynic]

Adding this to the list of brilliant things I have done:

I had dinner at my grandparents' tonight, after which I felt a craving for sweets and went rummaging through the cupboards. I came across a half-eaten roll of Japanese chewy candies. The wrapper had been partially ripped off so I couldn't see the expiration date, so I figured, what the hell, right? Ate it. Didn't really taste off, just tougher to chew than usual.

Minutes later I came across another roll of candy. This one was intact, and the expiration date on the wrapper said 13.1.03 which I decided to construe as January 3, 2013. My 19-year-old cousin was all, "Uh ... what if it's actually January 13, 2003?"

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT," I informed her. "HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ANYTHING I SAY?" Just to prove my point, I ate a candy from this roll and did not die.

And then I found a third roll of candy, the expiration date of which was 2003.

Oh, fuck.

The candy is seven fucking years old. It's a second-grader! It can probably write in cursive if it tried and multiply three-digit numbers.

"Should I call poison control?" my cousin asked when she finally stopped laughing.

I make awesome choices, guys. Awesome choices.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/thrace_/]

If you're not dead by now, then clearly that expiration date was merely a suggestion. Either that or you're not human. Think about it.

[thatfangirl]

That is a beautiful story I will one day tell to my chinchillas.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I think the worst part is after everything, I still considered bringing home the rest of the candy. I mean, I'm still alive (it's been 2 hours!) and it's a shame to let perfectly good, expired candy to go to waste ...

[parcequelle.livejournal.com]

There's nothing alive enough in candy to expire anyway! I'm sure you'll be fine. In fact, you may well be responsible for exposing one of the falsehoods of confectionary production and marketing! Ha.

(I hope you are fine.)

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine how many preservatives went into that candy. It still tasted completely fine! It's definitely better preserved than most 40+ year old celebrities these days. LOOKING AT YOU, MARISKA.

[metalphoenix.livejournal.com]

Eh, it's just sugar and preservatives. I'm sure you're fine, and if not, maybe you'll get super powers of some sort. Like being about to throw up on command.

[hivesix.livejournal.com]

Haha, your cousin sounds awesome. Damn it, I was like, "Hey, she's my age!" and then realised I'm almost 22. I'm old :(

You probably won't die. I bet they only make sweets expire so you have to buy more.

[theagonyofblank.livejournal.com]

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Well, you're not dead yet! That's saying something, yes? :D

[missedith01.livejournal.com]

Those dates are just advisory ... probably nothing in there to go off anyway.

But just to be on the safe side where do you store your will?

[annapie.livejournal.com]

At least you lived to tell this awesome tale.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I think they belonged to my other cousin, who moved back to HK in 2004. FML.

[eolan.livejournal.com]

They were totally fine.. it's candy...that shit doesn't go bad.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Sydney, that candy expired before I'd ever even met you. THINK ABOUT IT.

[mcdoh1902.livejournal.com]

you are amazingly awesome.

...this sounds like something i would have done.