new fandom, same crack

[wizened_cynic]

Behold, guys, the best Criminal Minds fanfic you will ever read. And I mean, THE BEST.

Arrested Quantico

Now is the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one daughter who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Criminal Minds.

*

Emily Prentiss is having a rough couple of days. She has been recently appointed the C.E.O. of her family's company, the B.A.U., since her father, Jason Gideon, is currently in prison and awaiting trial for minor treason.

*

CUT TO QUANTICO CORRECTIONAL CENTER

GIDEON (leaning across the table): Emily, I need you to do something for me. (reaches for Emily's hand)

GUARD (yelling): No touching!

*

Her younger brother Reid is afraid of the dark.

*

CUT TO EMILY'S BEDROOM

Emily wakes up to find her twin sister JJ in her bed.

EMILY: What the hell are you doing in my bed?

JJ (sleepily): Reid crawled into bed with me and Will last night, and they looked so cute spooning I just let them be.

EMILY: I thought Hotch was supposed to be watching Reid.

JJ: Yeah, but Hotch had to go find someone to teach Gideon a lesson.


*

In fact, that is exactly what their mother Hotch is doing.

*

CUT TO HOTCH IN A BLACK SUV

HOTCH: This family doesn't need him. I'll show him. Oh, I'll show him.

*

LATER ON, AT THE HEADQUARTERS OF THE B.A.U.

Emily arrives at her office to find her father's assistant, Garcia, on the phone with him.

EMILY: Garcia! Garcia, bring me those files I asked for two days ago!

GARCIA : Just a minute, sugarplum, I'm busy talking to your father.

Unable to stomach Garcia's interesting work ethics any longer, Emily storms out of her room, grabs the phone, accidentally overhears her father asking her to "talk him off", and hangs up. And then she says what she has been wanting to say since she took over the company a week ago.

EMILY: That's it, Garcia. You're fired.

GARCIA: You can't fire me. You don't have firing power.

EMILY: I'm the president of the company. That means I can fire you.

GARCIA: No, you can't. I'm your dad's assistant.

EMILY: My dad's in prison.

GARCIA: That's why I'm assisting him.

EMILY: That's too much inform-- you're fired. I can fire you and I just did. So pack your things and go.

GARCIA: You're going to be sorry that you ever did this, Emily Prentiss. And take a good look at these, because it's the last time.

GARCIA LIFTS UP HER SHIRT.


*

And it is at this time that Emily's other brother, Morgan, decides to drop in for a visit.

MORGAN (staring as Garcia calmly pulls her shirt back down and begins packing her things): What was that?

EMILY: I fired her.

MORGAN: You can't fire her. You don't have firing power.

EMILY: Yes, I do. I'm the president of this goddamn company.

MORGAN: Suit yourself, but you'll be answering Gideon's phone calls from now on.

EMILY: What do you want, Morgan?

MORGAN: I need to borrow the jet.

EMILY: You can't borrow the jet.

MORGAN: You don't even know what I need it for.

EMILY: What do you need it for?

MORGAN: I need to make it disappear.

EMILY (pauses): You can't borrow the jet.

MORGAN: Oh, come on, it's for my act! I'm this close to getting into the Magician's Guild.

EMILY: You can't borrow the jet, and you definitely can't make it disappear.

MORGAN: You don't have jet lending powers! I'm going to go ask Gideon.

EMILY: Go ahead and do that, and while you're there, tell him that I fired Garcia so he can stop calling here!


*

Meanwhile, Will has found the courage to confront JJ with a secret he has harbored all his life, but never dared to reveal until now.

WILL: JJ?

JJ: What is it?

WILL: I'm a never nude. (He removes his bathrobe.) And I am not ashamed of it!


*

The phone has been ringing all morning and Emily can barely answer one call when another one comes in.

EMILY: B.A.U., Prentiss speaking.

JJ: My husband is a never nude.

EMILY: A what?

JJ: If you don't want to talk to me, fine. I don't need your attitude. Also, I need to go shopping. Can I drop by later and get my paycheck?

EMILY: Wait, you get a paycheck?

JJ: Yeah, don't you?

EMILY: JJ, I actually work at this company. (off JJ's stunned silence) Look, I need help answering the phones since Garcia's gone.

JJ: What happened to her?

EMILY: I fired her.

JJ: You can't fire her, Emily. You don't have firing power.

EMILY: Why does everyone keep saying that?

JJ: Because you don't. So you'll have my paycheck ready in fifteen?

EMILY: No. No, you will not be getting a paycheck unless you actually work for it. Which you will. You're going to come to the office and answer some phones, young lady.

JJ: (considers) How much time do I get for my lunch break?


*

While JJ gets ready to go to work for the first time in her life, Morgan, unable to borrow the family's private jet from Emily, heads towards the prison to ask for Gideon's permission. He stops by the model home to pick up his brother Reid, who has severe abandonment issues and has not taken well to Gideon's imprisonment.

IN THE PRISON WAITING ROOM

REID: I want to see Gideon.

MORGAN: I know, champ. That's what the full-body cavity search we had back there was for.

REID: I want to see Gideon alone. Just the two of us! No one else! I don't want anyone else there!

MORGAN: I don't think we can do that. Unless ...

*

CUT TO THE WARDEN'S OFFICE

MORGAN: I would like to request the use of the conjugal trailer.

*

Back at the B.A.U., JJ is hard at work. By which she means, she has spent most of her time coming up with a new job title for herself.

JJ: I'm thinking I could be called the Communications Co-ordinator instead of, you know, a receptionist.

EMILY: JJ, my phone is lit up like a Christmas tree.

JJ: Oh yeah, Gideon called while you were at a meeting.

EMILY: What'd he say?

JJ: If I clean it up, it's not really a sentence. But the gist of it is that you have to hire Garcia back, because she has access to all sorts of incriminating evidence on us.

EMILY: This is just wonderful.

JJ: Oh, and he said to let Morgan have the jet.


*

In a desperate attempt to stop Garcia from sending the rest of her family, including herself, to prison, Emily decides to meet Garcia at Senor Tadpole's to hire her back.

GARCIA: You can't hire me back, because I was never actually fired.

EMILY: No, Garcia. You were definitely fired. I was there. I fired you.

GARCIA: No, you didn't, because you don't have firing power.

EMILY: Yes, yes I do have firing power, and I am exercising that power by firing you. Again. Right now.

GARCIA: You are not!

EMILY: I am. I am, and you're fired.

GARCIA: Well, have it your way then, Emily Prentiss, but take a good look at these, because this is the last time you'll be seeing them.

Garcia, once again, lifts up her shirt, and the rest of the world along with Emily stares at her.


*

Emily returns home after a long, exhausting day of work to find her sister and brothers in the kitchen, eating Chinese takeout. Reid is blissfully rambling about the number of cockroaches in an average restaurant kitchen while JJ tells Morgan about her new career.

EMILY: JJ, here's your paycheck. You did great today, by the way. I'm proud of you.

JJ: Thank you! I'm quitting, actually.

REID: I thought you liked your job.

JJ: Nah, it was really dry and boring. I think I'd rather marry someone rich.

MORGAN: You're already married, JJ.

EMILY: Yeah, where is your husband?

JJ: He's doing research for a role somewhere.


*

INSIDE GIDEON'S PRISON CELL

Will, gathering research for his role as Frightened Inmate #2, stares at White Power Bill in horror as Gideon explains the situation to him.

GIDEON: I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.

*

Just then, Hotch arrives with a stranger in tow.

HOTCH: Kids, I'd like to introduce you to David Rossi. He's going to be your new daddy from now on.

Reid, at once, is mesmerized.

REID (hopefully): Daddy?


*

On the next Criminal Minds ...

After inviting Rossi into the family to teach Gideon a lesson, Hotch decides to send Rossi away to teach Rossi a lesson.

CUT TO MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

Rossi can be seen holding a map and studying a charm bracelet in his hand.

Morgan attempts to make the family's private jet banished by tackling it.

MORGAN: Dammit! Disappear!

JJ discovers that she is, in fact, adopted.

JJ: This means I can marry Emily and get all her money!




END

I believe my job here is done.

Comments

[theholyinnocent.livejournal.com]

LOVE.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

\0/

[hivesix.livejournal.com]

Awesome.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

\0/

[anna-sinistra.livejournal.com]

I thought my brain was entirely broken after this morning's test, but I come home and discover that it can indeed be more broken. I should thank you!

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! Breaking brains is what I do for a living! Except not really, since I don't get paid for it. Breaking brains is just an after-school hobby!

[metalphoenix.livejournal.com]

Okay, you can't just do an Arrested Development crossover for a show I haven't seen. NOW I HAVE TO WATCH THIS SHOW. JUST FOR THIS FIC.

You!

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Jesus, don't watch the show. It's ... not that great. I suppose you could watch one episode on Hulu just to know who these kids are. Especially since my next fic is going to be ...

HOW I MET YOUR PROFILER.

True story.

[anna-sinistra.livejournal.com]

...I cannot wait to read that.

[thatfangirl]

My brainface...hurt.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Hurt so good, baby.

[aquila1nz.livejournal.com]

Noo, just when I was about to complain about the lack of interesting (i.e. femslashy) incest you made it not incest. Keep them sisters. And make them make out!

Hotch makes a good mother.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I was just following the script on AD.

On the next Criminal Minds, JJ, having recently discovered that she is not related to anyone in the family, decides to seduce her former twin sister Emily, who has access to all the company bank accounts.

Hotch waits for Gideon in the conjugal trailer, only to find out that Reid is already there.

REID: Mom?

[furies.livejournal.com]

INSIDE GIDEON'S PRISON CELL

Will, gathering research for his role as Frightened Inmate #2, stares at White Power Bill in horror as Gideon explains the situation to him.

GIDEON: I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.

i basically spit out my wine right here.

especially because i clicked on the link expecting FULL HOUSE AU. NOT QUITE THE SAME, NAME TWIN, NOT QUITE THE SAME.

awww, poor emily, thinking she can run things. and hotch really does make a good mommy. GARCIA AND HER BOOBS.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the Full House AU didn't work out. Arrested Development was a much better fit with the show.

At least Gideon didn't sell him to Frank, right?

I'm not paying for your new keyboard. You shouldn't be drinking and reading my journal at the same time! Don't you ever learn?

[theagonyofblank.livejournal.com]

OMG, I don't know how I didn't see this before, but this is HILARIOUS. <3333333

[mcdoh1902.livejournal.com]

This is good stuff. Especially when you have an iPod touch and are sitting on the lawn since the whole damn campus has wireless except the dorms. You're all sorts of awesome. Okay. CHEM TIME. YAY.