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wizened_cynicToday is the Cynic Parents' 22nd anniversary, and we will be going out for dinner to celebrate 22 years of wretched misery!
Because I will not be home to talk to the girl, I am posting gummy bear porn ficlet here for her to read while I'm gone. Except it's not really porn, because I can't write porn. And the prompt came from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
flying_peanuts so the story is also kind of for her. Oh, and it's sort of a prelude to the goopy futuristic babyfic mentioned in passing, so . . . don't read if your pancreas can't handle it.
Seriously.
On Notice
One of these days Alex is going to say no to Lorelai's shenanigans, but the Gilmores are notoriously manipulative, and Lorelai, in particular, excels in making Alex feel guilty about things she really has no reason to feel guilty about.
"I haven't seen you in a week," Lorelai whines when Alex refuses to let her re-enact the infamous scene in American Beauty using gummy bears as substitutes for rose petals.
"That's not a valid reason to invite hoards of ants into our bedroom. Onto our bed. Where, you know, some people sleep."
"You're stifling my creativity!" accuses Lorelai.
"Can't you express your creativity in a method that won't require us hiring an exterminator?"
Lorelai places a red gummy bear on Alex's nose and attempts to keep it in position. It wobbles, falls, somersaulting down the front of Alex's shirt. Undefeated, Lorelai plucks another candy out of the bag. Alex folds her hand over Lorelai's before it can get anywhere within the vicinity of her nose.
"Let me eat one bear off your nose."
"No."
"Just one!"
"No."
"It will only take ten seconds. Or less! Since, you know, your nose is obviously deformed and slanted to the left."
"It is not."
"Then let me do it."
"No! Get away from me."
Alex whips off the bedcovers in an attempt to flee, only to reveal a standing cohort of bear-shaped gummies on Lorelai's side of the bed.
"I'm not cleaning this up," Alex tells her, irritated.
"You don't have to. I plan to eradicate them with my teeth," Lorelai answers casually. She demonstrates by cramming some into her mouth.
The whole room smells like sugar and strawberries. Alex tries not to notice that Lorelai's tongue is now dyed to Red 32. It's not her fault she has a weakness for artificial coloring.
"As you should know, Claire, bears are the greatest threat to our nation. It is my duty as an American to destroy them all in the name of truthiness."
She moves an orange bear up and across Alex's knee, bypassing Alex's fervent attempts to swat it away. "See, this is what would happen if I weren't here to keep the bear population under control. They would," the bear makes a sharp left turn up Alex's right thigh, "launch an invasion, aiming straight for the heartland of America."
Lorelai pauses and adds, "I don't mean to imply that your vagina is Oklahoma."
Alex isn't even going to waste a "shut up" on her. She grabs a handful of candy and pelts them at Lorelai, who ducks and blithely continues her diatribe about the nation's greatest enemy as she beheads the orange bear and consumes its remains.
"And this, Claire," Lorelai pauses for dramatic effect, "is what is going to happen since I'm here to stop the bears from taking over our population and turning us into bear-slaves." Lorelai precariously balances a yellow bear on Alex's knee. Without thinking, Alex flexes the muscles in her leg to keep it still, absently breathing a sigh of relief when Yellow Bear stays put.
Lorelai bends down and seizes Yellow Bear between her teeth, her breath warm and sweet against Alex's skin. She presses her lips to Alex's kneecap, drawing a concentric circle with her tongue and making Alex painfully aware of the nerves which heretofore she'd only known to exist whenever she bumped her knee against the coffee table. By the time Lorelai has bent Alex's leg up to run her mouth along the inside of her knee, Alex is fully on board with Stephen Colbert's, and now Lorelai Gilmore's, hatred of bears.
"You're still not eating a gummy bear off my nose."
Lines written in the sand are still lines.
"Come on, Claire."
"No."
"Stomach?"
"I keep my shirt on."
"What's the point then? I want to eat gummy bears off you, not off the stupid Paul Frank monkey."
"Shirt stays on and you change the sheets after."
"This is not how Liv and Ben did it in Armageddon. I don't think we should deviate from the script, especially when it comes to Academy Award winners."
"Well, you could wait until armageddon. Maybe then, in a moment of compassion and pity, I'll take off my shirt and let you do as you wish."
"If it were armageddon, we'd have to ration the gummy bears very, very carefully. We'd eat the clear ones first." Lorelai nods decisively. "They're the weakest of the bunch."
"Of course. And the women and children."
"I didn't know you had it in you, Claire," Lorelai says, impressed. She leans back on the balls of her hands and stretches a leg over Alex's, providing Alex with a generous view of her Oklahoma.
"I didn't know it either, but you bring out the worst in me," Alex says, which is why, ten minutes later, she's trapped under about fifteen dollars' worth of gummy bears.
She still has her shirt on, though. It's important to remember that.
Lorelai calls for a ceasefire after decimating half of the lime-flavored bears, and props her knee up. Resting her chin on her kneecap, she chews on her knuckle, watching Alex with this sad, strange look.
"I wasn't kidding about the ants," Alex grumbles. She tries to move, but it only dislodges the candy onto her some more, making her all sticky and sugary.
"I want a baby."
The words hang in the air like a guillotine, and Alex can't even make a run for it.
She's blaming Stephen Colbert for this one.
*
No turkey basters will be involved. I promise you that much.
Because I will not be home to talk to the girl, I am posting gummy bear porn ficlet here for her to read while I'm gone. Except it's not really porn, because I can't write porn. And the prompt came from
flying_peanuts so the story is also kind of for her. Oh, and it's sort of a prelude to the goopy futuristic babyfic mentioned in passing, so . . . don't read if your pancreas can't handle it. Seriously.
One of these days Alex is going to say no to Lorelai's shenanigans, but the Gilmores are notoriously manipulative, and Lorelai, in particular, excels in making Alex feel guilty about things she really has no reason to feel guilty about.
"I haven't seen you in a week," Lorelai whines when Alex refuses to let her re-enact the infamous scene in American Beauty using gummy bears as substitutes for rose petals.
"That's not a valid reason to invite hoards of ants into our bedroom. Onto our bed. Where, you know, some people sleep."
"You're stifling my creativity!" accuses Lorelai.
"Can't you express your creativity in a method that won't require us hiring an exterminator?"
Lorelai places a red gummy bear on Alex's nose and attempts to keep it in position. It wobbles, falls, somersaulting down the front of Alex's shirt. Undefeated, Lorelai plucks another candy out of the bag. Alex folds her hand over Lorelai's before it can get anywhere within the vicinity of her nose.
"Let me eat one bear off your nose."
"No."
"Just one!"
"No."
"It will only take ten seconds. Or less! Since, you know, your nose is obviously deformed and slanted to the left."
"It is not."
"Then let me do it."
"No! Get away from me."
Alex whips off the bedcovers in an attempt to flee, only to reveal a standing cohort of bear-shaped gummies on Lorelai's side of the bed.
"I'm not cleaning this up," Alex tells her, irritated.
"You don't have to. I plan to eradicate them with my teeth," Lorelai answers casually. She demonstrates by cramming some into her mouth.
The whole room smells like sugar and strawberries. Alex tries not to notice that Lorelai's tongue is now dyed to Red 32. It's not her fault she has a weakness for artificial coloring.
"As you should know, Claire, bears are the greatest threat to our nation. It is my duty as an American to destroy them all in the name of truthiness."
She moves an orange bear up and across Alex's knee, bypassing Alex's fervent attempts to swat it away. "See, this is what would happen if I weren't here to keep the bear population under control. They would," the bear makes a sharp left turn up Alex's right thigh, "launch an invasion, aiming straight for the heartland of America."
Lorelai pauses and adds, "I don't mean to imply that your vagina is Oklahoma."
Alex isn't even going to waste a "shut up" on her. She grabs a handful of candy and pelts them at Lorelai, who ducks and blithely continues her diatribe about the nation's greatest enemy as she beheads the orange bear and consumes its remains.
"And this, Claire," Lorelai pauses for dramatic effect, "is what is going to happen since I'm here to stop the bears from taking over our population and turning us into bear-slaves." Lorelai precariously balances a yellow bear on Alex's knee. Without thinking, Alex flexes the muscles in her leg to keep it still, absently breathing a sigh of relief when Yellow Bear stays put.
Lorelai bends down and seizes Yellow Bear between her teeth, her breath warm and sweet against Alex's skin. She presses her lips to Alex's kneecap, drawing a concentric circle with her tongue and making Alex painfully aware of the nerves which heretofore she'd only known to exist whenever she bumped her knee against the coffee table. By the time Lorelai has bent Alex's leg up to run her mouth along the inside of her knee, Alex is fully on board with Stephen Colbert's, and now Lorelai Gilmore's, hatred of bears.
"You're still not eating a gummy bear off my nose."
Lines written in the sand are still lines.
"Come on, Claire."
"No."
"Stomach?"
"I keep my shirt on."
"What's the point then? I want to eat gummy bears off you, not off the stupid Paul Frank monkey."
"Shirt stays on and you change the sheets after."
"This is not how Liv and Ben did it in Armageddon. I don't think we should deviate from the script, especially when it comes to Academy Award winners."
"Well, you could wait until armageddon. Maybe then, in a moment of compassion and pity, I'll take off my shirt and let you do as you wish."
"If it were armageddon, we'd have to ration the gummy bears very, very carefully. We'd eat the clear ones first." Lorelai nods decisively. "They're the weakest of the bunch."
"Of course. And the women and children."
"I didn't know you had it in you, Claire," Lorelai says, impressed. She leans back on the balls of her hands and stretches a leg over Alex's, providing Alex with a generous view of her Oklahoma.
"I didn't know it either, but you bring out the worst in me," Alex says, which is why, ten minutes later, she's trapped under about fifteen dollars' worth of gummy bears.
She still has her shirt on, though. It's important to remember that.
Lorelai calls for a ceasefire after decimating half of the lime-flavored bears, and props her knee up. Resting her chin on her kneecap, she chews on her knuckle, watching Alex with this sad, strange look.
"I wasn't kidding about the ants," Alex grumbles. She tries to move, but it only dislodges the candy onto her some more, making her all sticky and sugary.
"I want a baby."
The words hang in the air like a guillotine, and Alex can't even make a run for it.
She's blaming Stephen Colbert for this one.
*
No turkey basters will be involved. I promise you that much.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 09:57 am (UTC)Oh, how I wish, WISH SVU and GG were something that is ... not what it is right now. Because what it is right now, is a ton of suck.
I need to hasten my plans to take over NBC and the CW.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 09:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 09:59 am (UTC)I haven't really decided yet. I've talked about the babyfic a lot with the girl, but I'm not sure if I can deal with the repercussions of said babyfic.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 12:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 05:28 pm (UTC)How could you give up gelatine? HOW COULD YOU? I mean, sure, Jello is expendable ... but gummy bears! Fuzzy peaches! Swedish berries! FRIED EGGS GUMMIES! Damn those Germans sure know how to make their gummy candy.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-29 01:48 am (UTC)I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW! As I said, it's at times like these that I question my very stubborn vegetarianism. But I'm 19 in two months, and my vegetarianism and I have been together for almost 8 years, and I WILL NEED IT FOREVER (or at least until I get my degree) and yes. I am sad for the lack of gummy-goodness, but I will stick it out and I will win! End of tale.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-02 05:31 pm (UTC)Of course we do. Gummy candy, and chocolate. We don't get any great potato chips, though. Sadly.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 01:52 pm (UTC)nice one, even though I have abandoned both GG and SVU a while ago, this pairing is crack - thanks for that.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 05:30 pm (UTC)Heh, thanks. Honestly, both shows suck ass these days. Yet I can't seem to let go of my SVU habit. It's ironic that SVU is like my abusive rapist-boyfriend.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 05:50 pm (UTC)It's just that Lorelai's hard-wiring must have been made by someone who can't read the instructions, but what is really worse is that I can completely understand her reasoning. which is not good at all.
btw, how is vancouver doing? I sometimes miss this slow-paced relaxed city. I really do miss the ocean though.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 06:00 pm (UTC)What else? A shitload of road construction down Granville and 41st. They're building the railway to the airport or stupid shit like that.
Hahahaha, I realize you probably don't give a crap about any of these, but these are the things that stand out in my mind.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 06:10 pm (UTC)I was riding down Granville a lot, so this street has a soft spot in my heart and knowing that they tear up the street makes me sad. okay, not really.
It is really strange, but even though I have just spent 2 years in Vancouver I get a bit homesick every now and then, but I don't have any problems with not seeing the place I grew up for years. Vancouver is such a nice and easy city to live in, quiet, relaxed, clean... enjoy it while it lasts - said the wise old women taking a deep drag from her cigarette.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 07:08 pm (UTC)If only the rain thing would go away. *sighs*
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 07:25 pm (UTC)do you want to go back to HK or do you have to go back? I didn't want to leave van because I have never had such an easy life: school was a breeze, food and living was cheap, coffee places all over the town, good public transportation... but then you get really lazy there because life is no challenge at all, it is too easy. and a bit boring.
I thought about naming my next pet SASKATCHEWAN, such a pretty and unusual name ;)
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 07:31 pm (UTC)Vancouver is boring. Which isn't too bad for me since all I really need in life is SVU reruns, and Channel M provides that. It's a good place to grow up in, but the goddamn taxes! I don't want to work here. I'm not even sure if I can FIND a job here. So, back to Asia I go.
And what kind of pet would Saskatchewan be?
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 08:48 pm (UTC)Saskatchewan would be a good name for a hedgehog I think. nothing that moves to fast since screaming Saskatchewan takes a while. or for a snake, but I don't like snakes. Coquitlam is a great name for a pet as well, for a cock for example *g*
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 10:51 pm (UTC)Europe is classy. Vancouver ... Vancouver is a wonderful place to relax and be a hippy and marry a same-sex partner, but it lacks the glitzy glamor of a big city. Vancouver is beautiful, but it's the quaint, natural, pine trees and mountains and fjords kind of beautiful. I'm more fond of the Hong Kong kind of beautiful, which is garish and trashy and full of neon pink signs advertising whorehouses.
What about Port Moody? And Burnaby? Burnaby would make a nice cat, I think. An old, overweight feline.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-29 10:44 am (UTC)burnaby is a good name for a cat, kitsiliano is nice as well. Sir Port Moody for an old bunny :)
no subject
Date: 2006-12-29 05:32 pm (UTC)Yeah, it's about the money.
Speaking of names ... (http://community.livejournal.com/baby_names/945716.html?thread=18452020#t18452020)
no subject
Date: 2006-12-29 05:57 pm (UTC)and OMG, naming your daughter vulva is so tragic it is a thing of beauty *g*
like naming your son scrotum.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 02:41 pm (UTC)Because that's what you expect to be said, you know, post-creepy-sticky-gummy-war-reenactments (probably of the Civil War of which Oklahoma was not a part of the Union)...
I love it.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 05:33 pm (UTC)Well, of course, since Alex has been incapacitated and could very well be
forcibly impregnated with a syringe full of spermconvinced. Must. Not. Steal. Storylines. From. SVU.Your icon never fails to make me giggle.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 08:26 pm (UTC)And why not steal storylines? The scary thing is *that* storyline would fit with this universe ... which makes me wonder if the SVU writers stole the seized Purple Haze stash
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 08:38 pm (UTC)I wouldn't be surprised if they really did steal it. Boyfriend smokes POTENT PURPLE HASH, everyone thinks he raped his girlfriend's little brother, blah blah blah, pot is bad! Turns out to be red herring and it turns out PALESTINIAN SUICIDE BOMBERS are behind, um, whatever happened to the kid. What happened to the kid? What kid? Since when did SVU start concerning themselves with kiddie sex crimes again?
no subject
Date: 2006-12-28 10:45 pm (UTC)Thanks, squish-head! I made it not-real-porn so that you could actually read it without scary flashbacks of The L Word and TG's fic! (Sorry, the kid's been named. Although gimme your suggestions and maybe I will reconsider.)
Tennessee.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-30 08:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-30 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-02 05:26 pm (UTC)Also, if I'll ever be diagnosed with diabetes, I'll blame it on this fic. ;)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-02 07:25 pm (UTC)But it's not the fic's fault! It is innocent! Blameless! It's die Gummibären's fault! I cannot stop typing Gummibären!!!
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 10:55 am (UTC)No, don't blame the Gummibärchen! It's not their fault! They are sweet! And also able to predict the future. Or at least reveal something about yourself. (Gummibärchen oracle. But that's a different story...)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-21 09:41 am (UTC)