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wizened_cynicToday is the Cynic Parents' 22nd anniversary, and we will be going out for dinner to celebrate 22 years of wretched misery!
Because I will not be home to talk to the girl, I am posting gummy bear porn ficlet here for her to read while I'm gone. Except it's not really porn, because I can't write porn. And the prompt came from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
flying_peanuts so the story is also kind of for her. Oh, and it's sort of a prelude to the goopy futuristic babyfic mentioned in passing, so . . . don't read if your pancreas can't handle it.
Seriously.
On Notice
One of these days Alex is going to say no to Lorelai's shenanigans, but the Gilmores are notoriously manipulative, and Lorelai, in particular, excels in making Alex feel guilty about things she really has no reason to feel guilty about.
"I haven't seen you in a week," Lorelai whines when Alex refuses to let her re-enact the infamous scene in American Beauty using gummy bears as substitutes for rose petals.
"That's not a valid reason to invite hoards of ants into our bedroom. Onto our bed. Where, you know, some people sleep."
"You're stifling my creativity!" accuses Lorelai.
"Can't you express your creativity in a method that won't require us hiring an exterminator?"
Lorelai places a red gummy bear on Alex's nose and attempts to keep it in position. It wobbles, falls, somersaulting down the front of Alex's shirt. Undefeated, Lorelai plucks another candy out of the bag. Alex folds her hand over Lorelai's before it can get anywhere within the vicinity of her nose.
"Let me eat one bear off your nose."
"No."
"Just one!"
"No."
"It will only take ten seconds. Or less! Since, you know, your nose is obviously deformed and slanted to the left."
"It is not."
"Then let me do it."
"No! Get away from me."
Alex whips off the bedcovers in an attempt to flee, only to reveal a standing cohort of bear-shaped gummies on Lorelai's side of the bed.
"I'm not cleaning this up," Alex tells her, irritated.
"You don't have to. I plan to eradicate them with my teeth," Lorelai answers casually. She demonstrates by cramming some into her mouth.
The whole room smells like sugar and strawberries. Alex tries not to notice that Lorelai's tongue is now dyed to Red 32. It's not her fault she has a weakness for artificial coloring.
"As you should know, Claire, bears are the greatest threat to our nation. It is my duty as an American to destroy them all in the name of truthiness."
She moves an orange bear up and across Alex's knee, bypassing Alex's fervent attempts to swat it away. "See, this is what would happen if I weren't here to keep the bear population under control. They would," the bear makes a sharp left turn up Alex's right thigh, "launch an invasion, aiming straight for the heartland of America."
Lorelai pauses and adds, "I don't mean to imply that your vagina is Oklahoma."
Alex isn't even going to waste a "shut up" on her. She grabs a handful of candy and pelts them at Lorelai, who ducks and blithely continues her diatribe about the nation's greatest enemy as she beheads the orange bear and consumes its remains.
"And this, Claire," Lorelai pauses for dramatic effect, "is what is going to happen since I'm here to stop the bears from taking over our population and turning us into bear-slaves." Lorelai precariously balances a yellow bear on Alex's knee. Without thinking, Alex flexes the muscles in her leg to keep it still, absently breathing a sigh of relief when Yellow Bear stays put.
Lorelai bends down and seizes Yellow Bear between her teeth, her breath warm and sweet against Alex's skin. She presses her lips to Alex's kneecap, drawing a concentric circle with her tongue and making Alex painfully aware of the nerves which heretofore she'd only known to exist whenever she bumped her knee against the coffee table. By the time Lorelai has bent Alex's leg up to run her mouth along the inside of her knee, Alex is fully on board with Stephen Colbert's, and now Lorelai Gilmore's, hatred of bears.
"You're still not eating a gummy bear off my nose."
Lines written in the sand are still lines.
"Come on, Claire."
"No."
"Stomach?"
"I keep my shirt on."
"What's the point then? I want to eat gummy bears off you, not off the stupid Paul Frank monkey."
"Shirt stays on and you change the sheets after."
"This is not how Liv and Ben did it in Armageddon. I don't think we should deviate from the script, especially when it comes to Academy Award winners."
"Well, you could wait until armageddon. Maybe then, in a moment of compassion and pity, I'll take off my shirt and let you do as you wish."
"If it were armageddon, we'd have to ration the gummy bears very, very carefully. We'd eat the clear ones first." Lorelai nods decisively. "They're the weakest of the bunch."
"Of course. And the women and children."
"I didn't know you had it in you, Claire," Lorelai says, impressed. She leans back on the balls of her hands and stretches a leg over Alex's, providing Alex with a generous view of her Oklahoma.
"I didn't know it either, but you bring out the worst in me," Alex says, which is why, ten minutes later, she's trapped under about fifteen dollars' worth of gummy bears.
She still has her shirt on, though. It's important to remember that.
Lorelai calls for a ceasefire after decimating half of the lime-flavored bears, and props her knee up. Resting her chin on her kneecap, she chews on her knuckle, watching Alex with this sad, strange look.
"I wasn't kidding about the ants," Alex grumbles. She tries to move, but it only dislodges the candy onto her some more, making her all sticky and sugary.
"I want a baby."
The words hang in the air like a guillotine, and Alex can't even make a run for it.
She's blaming Stephen Colbert for this one.
*
No turkey basters will be involved. I promise you that much.
Because I will not be home to talk to the girl, I am posting gummy bear porn ficlet here for her to read while I'm gone. Except it's not really porn, because I can't write porn. And the prompt came from
flying_peanuts so the story is also kind of for her. Oh, and it's sort of a prelude to the goopy futuristic babyfic mentioned in passing, so . . . don't read if your pancreas can't handle it. Seriously.
One of these days Alex is going to say no to Lorelai's shenanigans, but the Gilmores are notoriously manipulative, and Lorelai, in particular, excels in making Alex feel guilty about things she really has no reason to feel guilty about.
"I haven't seen you in a week," Lorelai whines when Alex refuses to let her re-enact the infamous scene in American Beauty using gummy bears as substitutes for rose petals.
"That's not a valid reason to invite hoards of ants into our bedroom. Onto our bed. Where, you know, some people sleep."
"You're stifling my creativity!" accuses Lorelai.
"Can't you express your creativity in a method that won't require us hiring an exterminator?"
Lorelai places a red gummy bear on Alex's nose and attempts to keep it in position. It wobbles, falls, somersaulting down the front of Alex's shirt. Undefeated, Lorelai plucks another candy out of the bag. Alex folds her hand over Lorelai's before it can get anywhere within the vicinity of her nose.
"Let me eat one bear off your nose."
"No."
"Just one!"
"No."
"It will only take ten seconds. Or less! Since, you know, your nose is obviously deformed and slanted to the left."
"It is not."
"Then let me do it."
"No! Get away from me."
Alex whips off the bedcovers in an attempt to flee, only to reveal a standing cohort of bear-shaped gummies on Lorelai's side of the bed.
"I'm not cleaning this up," Alex tells her, irritated.
"You don't have to. I plan to eradicate them with my teeth," Lorelai answers casually. She demonstrates by cramming some into her mouth.
The whole room smells like sugar and strawberries. Alex tries not to notice that Lorelai's tongue is now dyed to Red 32. It's not her fault she has a weakness for artificial coloring.
"As you should know, Claire, bears are the greatest threat to our nation. It is my duty as an American to destroy them all in the name of truthiness."
She moves an orange bear up and across Alex's knee, bypassing Alex's fervent attempts to swat it away. "See, this is what would happen if I weren't here to keep the bear population under control. They would," the bear makes a sharp left turn up Alex's right thigh, "launch an invasion, aiming straight for the heartland of America."
Lorelai pauses and adds, "I don't mean to imply that your vagina is Oklahoma."
Alex isn't even going to waste a "shut up" on her. She grabs a handful of candy and pelts them at Lorelai, who ducks and blithely continues her diatribe about the nation's greatest enemy as she beheads the orange bear and consumes its remains.
"And this, Claire," Lorelai pauses for dramatic effect, "is what is going to happen since I'm here to stop the bears from taking over our population and turning us into bear-slaves." Lorelai precariously balances a yellow bear on Alex's knee. Without thinking, Alex flexes the muscles in her leg to keep it still, absently breathing a sigh of relief when Yellow Bear stays put.
Lorelai bends down and seizes Yellow Bear between her teeth, her breath warm and sweet against Alex's skin. She presses her lips to Alex's kneecap, drawing a concentric circle with her tongue and making Alex painfully aware of the nerves which heretofore she'd only known to exist whenever she bumped her knee against the coffee table. By the time Lorelai has bent Alex's leg up to run her mouth along the inside of her knee, Alex is fully on board with Stephen Colbert's, and now Lorelai Gilmore's, hatred of bears.
"You're still not eating a gummy bear off my nose."
Lines written in the sand are still lines.
"Come on, Claire."
"No."
"Stomach?"
"I keep my shirt on."
"What's the point then? I want to eat gummy bears off you, not off the stupid Paul Frank monkey."
"Shirt stays on and you change the sheets after."
"This is not how Liv and Ben did it in Armageddon. I don't think we should deviate from the script, especially when it comes to Academy Award winners."
"Well, you could wait until armageddon. Maybe then, in a moment of compassion and pity, I'll take off my shirt and let you do as you wish."
"If it were armageddon, we'd have to ration the gummy bears very, very carefully. We'd eat the clear ones first." Lorelai nods decisively. "They're the weakest of the bunch."
"Of course. And the women and children."
"I didn't know you had it in you, Claire," Lorelai says, impressed. She leans back on the balls of her hands and stretches a leg over Alex's, providing Alex with a generous view of her Oklahoma.
"I didn't know it either, but you bring out the worst in me," Alex says, which is why, ten minutes later, she's trapped under about fifteen dollars' worth of gummy bears.
She still has her shirt on, though. It's important to remember that.
Lorelai calls for a ceasefire after decimating half of the lime-flavored bears, and props her knee up. Resting her chin on her kneecap, she chews on her knuckle, watching Alex with this sad, strange look.
"I wasn't kidding about the ants," Alex grumbles. She tries to move, but it only dislodges the candy onto her some more, making her all sticky and sugary.
"I want a baby."
The words hang in the air like a guillotine, and Alex can't even make a run for it.
She's blaming Stephen Colbert for this one.
*
No turkey basters will be involved. I promise you that much.
