pretend they're poison beef
Nov. 16th, 2006 11:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wizened_cynicSo apparently, Dean speaks Latin on tonight's Supernatural? DAMMIT WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME BEFOREHAND???!!! YOU ALL LOSE.
But it's okay, because there are illegal ways of obtaining it.
Supernatural is possibly the best show EVER, if only because it has Dean screaming my name one week, and then Dean speaking LATIN a few weeks later.
Like I explained to my Latin classmate (whom I also urged to watch SPN), It's like having a pretend-boyfriend who fights demons.
Remember how I said I felt like writing odd fic? Well, I did! It is not only odd, it is TMI. You are warned, my friends. You are warned.
1056 words. I tried to par it down to 1000, but no dice.
Cranberry
There are many things Lorelai is willing to do for Claire. But driving across the state line to buy cranberry juice is not one of them.
"This is ridiculous," Lorelai tells her. "You can get it at Doose's. They're in Aisle Five, beside the crazy tablets. You could stock up on those too, while you're there."
"I cannot," Claire says indignantly, "get it at Doose's. I cannot get anything at Doose's, unless I wanted the whole world to know I was getting it. In case you haven't noticed, Lorelai, we live in a very small town."
"Why, yes, I've just recently become aware of that. How did you find out?"
"Lorelai."
"You know that story about that town where there's a lottery once a year and whoever wins it gets stoned to death by the townspeople? I'm pretty sure it's based on Stars Hollow. That's how we keep our numbers small."
"Lorelai. What I'm trying to say is that it's impossible to keep anything secret around here, especially when it comes to health-related issues."
"That's why we love Stars Hollow. You buy a bottle of NyQuil at the drugstore and within an hour, everyone's bringing over chicken soup."
"Remember when Big Ed went to get the barium sulfate for his colonoscopy, and the entire town thought he had colon cancer and Taylor practically bullied the Make-a-Wish Foundation into taking Ed on a trip to Disneyland despite the fact he is sixty-two years old? And let me remind you: Ed turned out to be fine in the end."
Lorelai purses her lips. "That was Little Ed. Big Ed had kidney stones."
Claire's eyes light up, triumphant. "That's exactly my point. I don't want the town to know so much about my private life. And I definitely don't want them assuming things about me."
"Like . . . that you like cranberry juice?"
"It's not going to be as simple as that. They'll make it complicated and be convinced that I have, say, a urinary tract infection."
"You do have a urinary tract infection."
"But they don't have to know that."
Lorelai sighs, and Claire matches it with one of her own.
"I made much more sense before I met you," Claire says.
"I know," Lorelai says, "and I'm sorry. But I'm not going to drive to Massachusetts to get you a bottle of Ocean Spray."
*
They agree on Stamford.
Stamford is reasonable.
*
Lorelai noticed the telltale signs one night --- cold feet. Claire would get up in the middle of the night a dozen times, not hyperbolically speaking, to go to the bathroom, and when she came back her feet were so cold against Lorelai's, they woke her up from her pleasant dreams of picnicking with Jake Gyllenhaal in outer space.
It took two days to convince Claire to see a doctor, and after a trip to the drop-in clinic near her office, she came home with antibiotics and a devastating message.
"He says I have an UTI, and that you need to stop having sex with me."
It was like being back in 1989 again, when the Bangles broke up and the Tiananmen Square massacre happened. (1989 was not a good year.) Why? Why would someone do, or in this case, say, such a terrible thing?
Lorelai took a minute, and then said, "Okay, first of all, it's only for a while, right? He doesn't mean forever, does he? And second --- who the hell does your doctor think he is? He can't just jump to conclusions like that. He's not House."
Apparently, having a medical degree means Claire will take your word over Lorelai's.
So: a course of antibiotics, cranberry juice, and abstinence.
*
"Cran-Apple, or Cran-Grape?" Lorelai asks, propping the door of the refrigerator open with her elbow and squeezing the phone against her ear with her shoulder.
There was a newspaper article about how someone got a stroke from holding their phone like that too often. If Lorelai dies from a stroke right now, her epigraph will have to say: She went in peace, buying cranberry juice for her girlfriend's urinary tract infection, and Claire's tombstone, after she dies and is buried next to Lorelai, will probably say, No she didn't.
"I think the doctor says it should be plain cranberry," Claire answers. "Preferably no sugar. Don't get the concentrated cocktail stuff. I want all-natural."
"I'm at a gas station in Carbondale. There is no hippy food here."
"All right, fine. Whichever tastes better, then. You can choose."
"Both taste battery acid. Ugh. Cran-Apple it is."
"Get it in the little bottles. So if anyone sees me drinking one and asks, I can tell them that I needed a beverage to go with my lunch and this was all the vending machine had."
"You're insane. I love you. Bye."
*
They take the empty bottles with them on their next trip to Rory's. An impromptu visit to the campus recycling station is made, and Rory watches with bug-eyed wonder as they empty the garbage bags into the large plastic bin. "Did they stop doing the recycling in Stars Hollow?"
"Claire thinks someone will go through our recycling and find the shameful evidence of what I have done to her."
Claire stops glaring at Lorelai long enough to add, "There actually is someone who rifles through our recyclables. I've seen her, and I tried to stop her, because technically we give up our rights to ownership when we dispose of them, but since they're in the recycling bin, they belong to the state of Connecticut. Or at the very least, the county."
"But you decided not to, because you realized the state of Connecticut doesn't want our soda cans and pizza boxes?"
"Shameful evidence of what?" Rory asks.
"Claire had a urinary tract infection," Lorelai explains, just as Claire jams her elbow into Lorelai's side. "Hence the cranberry juice."
Unable to resist, she continues, "A sex-induced urinary tract infection."
"Please stop saying that."
"Yeah, Mom, I'm gonna have to agree with her."
But it is like trying to stop a boulder rolling down a steep cliff, or Tom Cruise from jumping up and down on Oprah's couch. "Which I gave her. Because I was so good," she chortles, and the look on Claire's face, right there, is completely worth that trip to Stamford.
Note: I fuck up Connecticut geography for the sake of an Office joke.
But it's okay, because there are illegal ways of obtaining it.
Supernatural is possibly the best show EVER, if only because it has Dean screaming my name one week, and then Dean speaking LATIN a few weeks later.
Like I explained to my Latin classmate (whom I also urged to watch SPN), It's like having a pretend-boyfriend who fights demons.
Remember how I said I felt like writing odd fic? Well, I did! It is not only odd, it is TMI. You are warned, my friends. You are warned.
1056 words. I tried to par it down to 1000, but no dice.
There are many things Lorelai is willing to do for Claire. But driving across the state line to buy cranberry juice is not one of them.
"This is ridiculous," Lorelai tells her. "You can get it at Doose's. They're in Aisle Five, beside the crazy tablets. You could stock up on those too, while you're there."
"I cannot," Claire says indignantly, "get it at Doose's. I cannot get anything at Doose's, unless I wanted the whole world to know I was getting it. In case you haven't noticed, Lorelai, we live in a very small town."
"Why, yes, I've just recently become aware of that. How did you find out?"
"Lorelai."
"You know that story about that town where there's a lottery once a year and whoever wins it gets stoned to death by the townspeople? I'm pretty sure it's based on Stars Hollow. That's how we keep our numbers small."
"Lorelai. What I'm trying to say is that it's impossible to keep anything secret around here, especially when it comes to health-related issues."
"That's why we love Stars Hollow. You buy a bottle of NyQuil at the drugstore and within an hour, everyone's bringing over chicken soup."
"Remember when Big Ed went to get the barium sulfate for his colonoscopy, and the entire town thought he had colon cancer and Taylor practically bullied the Make-a-Wish Foundation into taking Ed on a trip to Disneyland despite the fact he is sixty-two years old? And let me remind you: Ed turned out to be fine in the end."
Lorelai purses her lips. "That was Little Ed. Big Ed had kidney stones."
Claire's eyes light up, triumphant. "That's exactly my point. I don't want the town to know so much about my private life. And I definitely don't want them assuming things about me."
"Like . . . that you like cranberry juice?"
"It's not going to be as simple as that. They'll make it complicated and be convinced that I have, say, a urinary tract infection."
"You do have a urinary tract infection."
"But they don't have to know that."
Lorelai sighs, and Claire matches it with one of her own.
"I made much more sense before I met you," Claire says.
"I know," Lorelai says, "and I'm sorry. But I'm not going to drive to Massachusetts to get you a bottle of Ocean Spray."
*
They agree on Stamford.
Stamford is reasonable.
*
Lorelai noticed the telltale signs one night --- cold feet. Claire would get up in the middle of the night a dozen times, not hyperbolically speaking, to go to the bathroom, and when she came back her feet were so cold against Lorelai's, they woke her up from her pleasant dreams of picnicking with Jake Gyllenhaal in outer space.
It took two days to convince Claire to see a doctor, and after a trip to the drop-in clinic near her office, she came home with antibiotics and a devastating message.
"He says I have an UTI, and that you need to stop having sex with me."
It was like being back in 1989 again, when the Bangles broke up and the Tiananmen Square massacre happened. (1989 was not a good year.) Why? Why would someone do, or in this case, say, such a terrible thing?
Lorelai took a minute, and then said, "Okay, first of all, it's only for a while, right? He doesn't mean forever, does he? And second --- who the hell does your doctor think he is? He can't just jump to conclusions like that. He's not House."
Apparently, having a medical degree means Claire will take your word over Lorelai's.
So: a course of antibiotics, cranberry juice, and abstinence.
*
"Cran-Apple, or Cran-Grape?" Lorelai asks, propping the door of the refrigerator open with her elbow and squeezing the phone against her ear with her shoulder.
There was a newspaper article about how someone got a stroke from holding their phone like that too often. If Lorelai dies from a stroke right now, her epigraph will have to say: She went in peace, buying cranberry juice for her girlfriend's urinary tract infection, and Claire's tombstone, after she dies and is buried next to Lorelai, will probably say, No she didn't.
"I think the doctor says it should be plain cranberry," Claire answers. "Preferably no sugar. Don't get the concentrated cocktail stuff. I want all-natural."
"I'm at a gas station in Carbondale. There is no hippy food here."
"All right, fine. Whichever tastes better, then. You can choose."
"Both taste battery acid. Ugh. Cran-Apple it is."
"Get it in the little bottles. So if anyone sees me drinking one and asks, I can tell them that I needed a beverage to go with my lunch and this was all the vending machine had."
"You're insane. I love you. Bye."
*
They take the empty bottles with them on their next trip to Rory's. An impromptu visit to the campus recycling station is made, and Rory watches with bug-eyed wonder as they empty the garbage bags into the large plastic bin. "Did they stop doing the recycling in Stars Hollow?"
"Claire thinks someone will go through our recycling and find the shameful evidence of what I have done to her."
Claire stops glaring at Lorelai long enough to add, "There actually is someone who rifles through our recyclables. I've seen her, and I tried to stop her, because technically we give up our rights to ownership when we dispose of them, but since they're in the recycling bin, they belong to the state of Connecticut. Or at the very least, the county."
"But you decided not to, because you realized the state of Connecticut doesn't want our soda cans and pizza boxes?"
"Shameful evidence of what?" Rory asks.
"Claire had a urinary tract infection," Lorelai explains, just as Claire jams her elbow into Lorelai's side. "Hence the cranberry juice."
Unable to resist, she continues, "A sex-induced urinary tract infection."
"Please stop saying that."
"Yeah, Mom, I'm gonna have to agree with her."
But it is like trying to stop a boulder rolling down a steep cliff, or Tom Cruise from jumping up and down on Oprah's couch. "Which I gave her. Because I was so good," she chortles, and the look on Claire's face, right there, is completely worth that trip to Stamford.
Note: I fuck up Connecticut geography for the sake of an Office joke.
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no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 06:38 pm (UTC)That is the best. Feedback. Ever. Thank you!
Ugh! Don't say that! Alex doesn't deserve Luke! After what a tool Luke turned into last year ... and god, Lorelai pregnant. DO NOT EVEN GO THERE.
NOW I HAVE BAD IMAGES IN MY HEAD. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I watched CSI NY and became paranoid that someone will put arsenic in my teabags and poison me. I just thought you should know.