pretend they're poison beef

[wizened_cynic]

So apparently, Dean speaks Latin on tonight's Supernatural? DAMMIT WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME BEFOREHAND???!!! YOU ALL LOSE.

But it's okay, because there are illegal ways of obtaining it.

Supernatural is possibly the best show EVER, if only because it has Dean screaming my name one week, and then Dean speaking LATIN a few weeks later.

Like I explained to my Latin classmate (whom I also urged to watch SPN), It's like having a pretend-boyfriend who fights demons.

Remember how I said I felt like writing odd fic? Well, I did! It is not only odd, it is TMI. You are warned, my friends. You are warned.

1056 words. I tried to par it down to 1000, but no dice.




Cranberry


There are many things Lorelai is willing to do for Claire. But driving across the state line to buy cranberry juice is not one of them.

"This is ridiculous," Lorelai tells her. "You can get it at Doose's. They're in Aisle Five, beside the crazy tablets. You could stock up on those too, while you're there."

"I cannot," Claire says indignantly, "get it at Doose's. I cannot get anything at Doose's, unless I wanted the whole world to know I was getting it. In case you haven't noticed, Lorelai, we live in a very small town."

"Why, yes, I've just recently become aware of that. How did you find out?"

"Lorelai."

"You know that story about that town where there's a lottery once a year and whoever wins it gets stoned to death by the townspeople? I'm pretty sure it's based on Stars Hollow. That's how we keep our numbers small."

"Lorelai. What I'm trying to say is that it's impossible to keep anything secret around here, especially when it comes to health-related issues."

"That's why we love Stars Hollow. You buy a bottle of NyQuil at the drugstore and within an hour, everyone's bringing over chicken soup."

"Remember when Big Ed went to get the barium sulfate for his colonoscopy, and the entire town thought he had colon cancer and Taylor practically bullied the Make-a-Wish Foundation into taking Ed on a trip to Disneyland despite the fact he is sixty-two years old? And let me remind you: Ed turned out to be fine in the end."

Lorelai purses her lips. "That was Little Ed. Big Ed had kidney stones."

Claire's eyes light up, triumphant. "That's exactly my point. I don't want the town to know so much about my private life. And I definitely don't want them assuming things about me."

"Like . . . that you like cranberry juice?"

"It's not going to be as simple as that. They'll make it complicated and be convinced that I have, say, a urinary tract infection."

"You do have a urinary tract infection."

"But they don't have to know that."

Lorelai sighs, and Claire matches it with one of her own.

"I made much more sense before I met you," Claire says.

"I know," Lorelai says, "and I'm sorry. But I'm not going to drive to Massachusetts to get you a bottle of Ocean Spray."



*


They agree on Stamford.

Stamford is reasonable.


*

Lorelai noticed the telltale signs one night --- cold feet. Claire would get up in the middle of the night a dozen times, not hyperbolically speaking, to go to the bathroom, and when she came back her feet were so cold against Lorelai's, they woke her up from her pleasant dreams of picnicking with Jake Gyllenhaal in outer space.

It took two days to convince Claire to see a doctor, and after a trip to the drop-in clinic near her office, she came home with antibiotics and a devastating message.

"He says I have an UTI, and that you need to stop having sex with me."

It was like being back in 1989 again, when the Bangles broke up and the Tiananmen Square massacre happened. (1989 was not a good year.) Why? Why would someone do, or in this case, say, such a terrible thing?

Lorelai took a minute, and then said, "Okay, first of all, it's only for a while, right? He doesn't mean forever, does he? And second --- who the hell does your doctor think he is? He can't just jump to conclusions like that. He's not House."

Apparently, having a medical degree means Claire will take your word over Lorelai's.

So: a course of antibiotics, cranberry juice, and abstinence.


*

"Cran-Apple, or Cran-Grape?" Lorelai asks, propping the door of the refrigerator open with her elbow and squeezing the phone against her ear with her shoulder.

There was a newspaper article about how someone got a stroke from holding their phone like that too often. If Lorelai dies from a stroke right now, her epigraph will have to say: She went in peace, buying cranberry juice for her girlfriend's urinary tract infection, and Claire's tombstone, after she dies and is buried next to Lorelai, will probably say, No she didn't.

"I think the doctor says it should be plain cranberry," Claire answers. "Preferably no sugar. Don't get the concentrated cocktail stuff. I want all-natural."

"I'm at a gas station in Carbondale. There is no hippy food here."

"All right, fine. Whichever tastes better, then. You can choose."

"Both taste battery acid. Ugh. Cran-Apple it is."

"Get it in the little bottles. So if anyone sees me drinking one and asks, I can tell them that I needed a beverage to go with my lunch and this was all the vending machine had."

"You're insane. I love you. Bye."


*


They take the empty bottles with them on their next trip to Rory's. An impromptu visit to the campus recycling station is made, and Rory watches with bug-eyed wonder as they empty the garbage bags into the large plastic bin. "Did they stop doing the recycling in Stars Hollow?"

"Claire thinks someone will go through our recycling and find the shameful evidence of what I have done to her."

Claire stops glaring at Lorelai long enough to add, "There actually is someone who rifles through our recyclables. I've seen her, and I tried to stop her, because technically we give up our rights to ownership when we dispose of them, but since they're in the recycling bin, they belong to the state of Connecticut. Or at the very least, the county."

"But you decided not to, because you realized the state of Connecticut doesn't want our soda cans and pizza boxes?"

"Shameful evidence of what?" Rory asks.

"Claire had a urinary tract infection," Lorelai explains, just as Claire jams her elbow into Lorelai's side. "Hence the cranberry juice."

Unable to resist, she continues, "A sex-induced urinary tract infection."

"Please stop saying that."

"Yeah, Mom, I'm gonna have to agree with her."

But it is like trying to stop a boulder rolling down a steep cliff, or Tom Cruise from jumping up and down on Oprah's couch. "Which I gave her. Because I was so good," she chortles, and the look on Claire's face, right there, is completely worth that trip to Stamford.





Note: I fuck up Connecticut geography for the sake of an Office joke.

Comments

[thenewhope.livejournal.com]

:D

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

less than three you, twin. less than three you.

[baggers.livejournal.com]

HAH.

only Lorelai would be proud of giving someone a UTI.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I think she thinks it means she has a bigger penis or something.

:)

[baggers.livejournal.com]

because that's what all the lesbians want. *g* i'd also imagine lorelai makes fun of claire for being on the pill, because clearly if she stopped taking it, lorelai would get her pregnant.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

well, obviously. and if lorelai knocked claire up, it would be the worst thing in the history of ever. the world would have two rories. that is why claire insists on taking the pill, period.

[drummer-jew2002.livejournal.com]

Much love, my cynic, much love. I think you might be the only person in the history of ever who could write a good story about a UTI.

corrected for spelling issues

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

*licks you*

You're so my favorite. Now go post part two of your fic, and put lesbians in it.

[zuzubailey76.livejournal.com]

There was a newspaper article about how someone got a stroke from holding their phone like that too often. If Lorelai dies from a stroke right now, her epigraph will have to say: She went in peace, buying cranberry juice for her girlfriend's urinary tract infection, and Claire's tombstone, after she dies and is buried next to Lorelai, will probably say, No she didn't.

Hahahaha. That's so awesome. I like Lorelai so much better when she's having sex with Alex than I do when she's actually, you know, on the show.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

What show are you talking about? WHAT SHOW? Gilmore Girls? Didn't that end about THREE SEASONS ago, with Lorelai and Luke kissing on the porch of the Dragonfly? TELL IT THE WAY IT IS, ZUZU.

I mean, thanks!

[zuzubailey76.livejournal.com]

No, I mean the show that ended when Rory lost her virginity to a married man. It's so clear that GG sucks from Raincoats and Recipes on, but I love Luke and I don't want him in any way attached to this suck factor. Sorry, DEAN AND RORY. THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

"I think the doctor says it should be plain cranberry," Claire answers. "Preferably no sugar.

I TOLD YOU THIS, and now it is out there for the world to see. In this equation, I would be Kristin Chenoweth, and YOU WOULD BE SORKIN. What else will you write into your fic, Joey? WHAT ELSE?

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

YOUR MOM.

[quasiradiant.livejournal.com]

dude. that was AWESOME.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

heeeeee, thanks! although, the fact that both you and your girlfriend approve of this fic tells me --- you know what, I just WON'T GO THERE.

[deuce81.livejournal.com]

Dude, seriously... burning pee has never been so satisfying.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG YOUR ICON. You are too sweet. And somewhat depraved.

Thanks so much! Given that my paper doesn't kill me this weekend, there may be fic for you on your birthday! Which is also my birthday! I love it when I am the giver AND the receiver!

[deuce81.livejournal.com]

You're a giver AND a receiver, huh?

I'd like you to note that I'm really, really trying to stem off the tidal wave of inappropriate comments I would like to make right now... seeing as how we've just met and everything... but it's gonna cost ya' somewhere down the line...

I'd also like you to note that when I say "it's gonna cost ya" I'm referring to cost in a "ya' owe me one" type of way not in a "hooker gets what she's owed" type way...

Just for clarification, I am not a hooker.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Just for clarification, I am not a hooker.

That's too bad, because I own a whorehouse. (http://wizened-cynic.livejournal.com/94789.html)

As for the rest of your comment, not a single word made sense to my pimp mind.

[enigma00.livejournal.com]

Definitely TMI. But very funny. :)

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

It's only TMI because you have a penis. Wait ... do you?

(By which I mean, thank you.)

[enigma00.livejournal.com]

Will you ever get tired of calling my masculinity into question?

(By which I mean, you're welcome. Very well written as always.)

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

No. That's because you're a girl, and we hate you. (We don't hate you because you're a girl. We hate you because you're you.) (By we, I mean me and drummer_jew2002, who is in charge of approving my friendslist.)

[enigma00.livejournal.com]

Ah, I see. Well, that clears it up. Better tell Ashley that she's actually a lesbian.

(Hmm. I see. Does that mean that she can vote me off your friendlist?)

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

(Totally. Consider yourself on notice.)

[enigma00.livejournal.com]

Do you have a real On Notice board and everything?

I better be on my best behaviour, then.

[kennedyismyhero.livejournal.com]

Yay!

That is all.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

<3

*pets you*

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Heh, thanks, but good god, are there more UTI stories out there? I know there was one where Olivia got sick with the flu and Alex had to give her an anal suppository ... I hate the SVU fandom.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

*squishes*

Sorry I had to ask. You never know, when it comes to Alex/Olivia. They do some really kinky stuff.

[theagonyofblank.livejournal.com]

Awesome. Especially:

If Lorelai dies from a stroke right now, her epigraph will have to say: She went in peace, buying cranberry juice for her girlfriend's urinary tract infection, and Claire's tombstone, after she dies and is buried next to Lorelai, will probably say, No she didn't.

XD.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

hahaha, thanks!

[omiceti.livejournal.com]

Who knew UTIs were so fun? Certainly not I. (Not that I've ever had one, though I'd like to state for the record that Peanuts? Is way better than Lorelai would be, even in your crackfic universe.) My only complaint with this story is that Lorelai and Alex should have thrown empty cranberry juice bottles at our Common Enemy, who then could have fallen into the recycling bin. Because she's short.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

1. Pee after you have sex.
2. Avoid bubble baths.
3. TMI! TMI!

That is all I am going to say.

Oh, Mira, what have the Yale recycling guys ever done to you? THEY DON'T DESERVE COMMON ENEMY. Nobody does! Apparently, eolan went to elementary school with CE and she was just as annoying when she was 6 as she is now. Also, another fun fact: CE's best friend's dad is a statutory RAPIST.

Thanks for the feedback and for giving me an opportunity to spread gossip.

[omiceti.livejournal.com]

The recycling guys have done nothing to me! Actually, while we're on the topic of gossip, one of my friends works for Yale Recycling, and he hates CE, too. Not surprisingly, because apparently she's been annoying for her ENTIRE LIFE. (And gross, statutory rape! Not that that has anything to do with CE, but gross.)

I keep hoping I'll see her while Peanuts is visiting so I can point her out and we can snark on her in person, but so far she's managed to remain elusive. Stupid wench. She should be recycled, so she can at least be useful. I think she'd make great cheap wrapping paper.

You're very welcome for the feedback (I've never watched GG, but I like your Lorelai), but the gossip is even better.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Dude, not only is he a statutory rapist, he was a CHILD PSYCHIATRIST (not anymore; got his license revoked) and he slept with his underaged patients. It was just like an episode of SVU!

Everyone hates CE. Who doesn't? It's been 4 years and I still want to smash her face in.

I think she'd make great cheap wrapping paper.

See, if she'd heard that, she would've been offended and called you an ANTI-SEMITE. Which she did once, to me. I was all, dude, I'm CHINESE, they RAN US OVER WITH TANKS, the Japanese put us in concentration camps too, what is this the fucking OLYMPICS OF SUFFERING?

Oh, like you and Peanuts would leave your bedroom long enough to find CE.

Don't watch GG. It sucks like a baby prostitute. Gossip is way better.

[brilliant-lies.livejournal.com]

This = grandtastic. Gay!Lorelai is everything right. ♥

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I know, right? I like to believe Gay Lorelai surpasses Lobotomized Lorelai on the show right now. *shakes my fist at Rosenthal*

[brilliant-lies.livejournal.com]

Heh, major icon love! And yes, that's SO what happened... I thank you. Such an explanation shall assist in my gradual journey to mental comfort, stunted as it has been by the crap that's masquerading itself as Gilmore Girls these days. *joins in fist-shaking*

ROSENTHAL SHOULD GO SWALLOW A CACTUS, sayeth I.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I like to believe Rosenthal and the Sherman-Palladinos are equally to blame. So they should all be fucked up the bajingo with swallow a cactus, like you said.

I'm so glad I gave up on the show. I get enraged just from reading recaps and reading spoilers.

In my head, Gilmore Girls is a much better show, because everyone is GAY.

[brilliant-lies.livejournal.com]

I'm still watching it (with teeth gnashing), mainly to see how much farther they can screw it up.

Amen to what's in your head! I look forward to more of your fabulous crack!fic :)

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

You are a brave soul, my friend.

Thanks! Hopefully I can write more what with Christmas break coming up and school can't kill me anymore. Haha, School, YOU SUCK!

[eviebean.livejournal.com]

I adore you and your endless imagination to write stories that only make sense to people with half a brain (and an obsession with female tv characters)

I finally got around to reading the recap from this weeks episode of GG. I can't believe I used to want Luke and Lorelai together. Now I just want Luke to sleep with Alex so she can spite Jim/Robert/... and not feel sorry for it.

I oh so nearly theorised that Lorelai will be pregnant from all the delusional stuff in Paris.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I adore you and your endless imagination to write stories that only make sense to people with half a brain

That is the best. Feedback. Ever. Thank you!

Ugh! Don't say that! Alex doesn't deserve Luke! After what a tool Luke turned into last year ... and god, Lorelai pregnant. DO NOT EVEN GO THERE.

NOW I HAVE BAD IMAGES IN MY HEAD. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I watched CSI NY and became paranoid that someone will put arsenic in my teabags and poison me. I just thought you should know.

[kyanited.livejournal.com]

I have a headache from laughing too much.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Urinary tract infections are no joke!!! *g*