COTTONCANDY_BINGO ENTRY: Baby
Aug. 19th, 2012 03:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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cottoncandy_bingo and one of the squares was "Baby."
I don't even know if this qualifies as fluff. It's more crack than fluff, but arguably it has a happy ending? For Chad at least. Not so much for Alex.
Alex is four hours into her annual leave when the phone rings. She doesn't even have to guess who it is.
"I'm on holiday, Chad. Call your backup lawyer."
"Bitch, I'm calling as your baby brother, yo, not as your best and only client, so listen up."
"One, you're not my only client ---" (he isn't, but he's definitely Alex's biggest client, which --- fuck her life, seriously) "and two, you'll still be my brother in two weeks. Bye."
Alex is about to hang up when she hears a thin but distinct wail of an infant. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
"Chad, is that a baby crying in the background?"
"Sure is, big sis."
"Why is there a baby crying in the background?"
"I don't know. I'm not a fucking baby expert. Why do you think I called you?"
"What makes you think I'm a fucking baby expert? No, wait ---" Alex glances at the clock. 4:05 a.m. Splendid. Her flight to Boracay is supposed to leave in five hours, but she's fairly certain that it's not going to happen. "Why do you have a baby?"
"I found it! I'm going to keep it!"
Before Alex can say anything else, she hears a woman yelling, "Fuck you, Chad, I found it!"
"Well,I called dibs!"
"You can't just call dibs. Whoever finds it gets to keep it. It's the universal law of hobos."
"Who's that?" Alex demands, giving up on sleep entirely as she reaches for her glasses.
"That's my friend Paget. Say hi to my sister, Paget!"
There's a shuffling noise as the phone switches hands and then, "Goddammit, Alex, your brother's trying to steal my baby. Tell him that it's mine. I saw it first."
It is a good thing that almost twenty years of being Chad's sister has conditioned Alex to stay calm in any situation. "Okay, I don't know what the hell is going on, but put the baby back where you found it. Both of you. Now. It belongs to somebody else. Put it back."
"Uh, no, I'm pretty sure it belongs to me now. I found it in a dumpster, which means it's fair game. Hobo laws."
Alex is oddly relieved to hear that her brother and his equally insane co-star had not in fact stolen anybody's baby. Finding a baby in a dumpster, as abhorrent as the situation might be, is quite possibly the best scenario out of a horrifying dozen, the top being Chad has finally procreated. Of course there is the question of why the hell Chad and Paget were in a dumpster in the first place, but with Chad, Alex has learned to prioritize.
"Paget, listen to me. I'm not sure how drunk you are, but I'm relatively confident that even at your drunkest I would be able to talk more sense into you than into Chad."
"DAMN STRAIGHT." Alex can hear Chad hollering in the background. The baby has stopped crying. Alex really hopes it's not dead.
"Paget, I need you to put the baby back where you two found it, and then call the police. Okay? You know what, forget the seocnd part. I'll call the police. You just PUT THAT BABY BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT."
"Nope. No can do, sweetheart," Paget crows. "I got a pair of shoes that matches that baby. I'm taking it home with me and then maybe Chad and I will go look for a top to go with it."
"I'll only go with you if you promise to a time-share," Chad says.
Paget considers this. "Deal. Here, you can have your phone back. Man, you're right. Your sister is a really good lawyer."
This entry was originally posted at http://wcynic.dreamwidth.org/3162.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
cottoncandy_bingo and one of the squares was "Baby."I don't even know if this qualifies as fluff. It's more crack than fluff, but arguably it has a happy ending? For Chad at least. Not so much for Alex.
Alex is four hours into her annual leave when the phone rings. She doesn't even have to guess who it is.
"I'm on holiday, Chad. Call your backup lawyer."
"Bitch, I'm calling as your baby brother, yo, not as your best and only client, so listen up."
"One, you're not my only client ---" (he isn't, but he's definitely Alex's biggest client, which --- fuck her life, seriously) "and two, you'll still be my brother in two weeks. Bye."
Alex is about to hang up when she hears a thin but distinct wail of an infant. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
"Chad, is that a baby crying in the background?"
"Sure is, big sis."
"Why is there a baby crying in the background?"
"I don't know. I'm not a fucking baby expert. Why do you think I called you?"
"What makes you think I'm a fucking baby expert? No, wait ---" Alex glances at the clock. 4:05 a.m. Splendid. Her flight to Boracay is supposed to leave in five hours, but she's fairly certain that it's not going to happen. "Why do you have a baby?"
"I found it! I'm going to keep it!"
Before Alex can say anything else, she hears a woman yelling, "Fuck you, Chad, I found it!"
"Well,I called dibs!"
"You can't just call dibs. Whoever finds it gets to keep it. It's the universal law of hobos."
"Who's that?" Alex demands, giving up on sleep entirely as she reaches for her glasses.
"That's my friend Paget. Say hi to my sister, Paget!"
There's a shuffling noise as the phone switches hands and then, "Goddammit, Alex, your brother's trying to steal my baby. Tell him that it's mine. I saw it first."
It is a good thing that almost twenty years of being Chad's sister has conditioned Alex to stay calm in any situation. "Okay, I don't know what the hell is going on, but put the baby back where you found it. Both of you. Now. It belongs to somebody else. Put it back."
"Uh, no, I'm pretty sure it belongs to me now. I found it in a dumpster, which means it's fair game. Hobo laws."
Alex is oddly relieved to hear that her brother and his equally insane co-star had not in fact stolen anybody's baby. Finding a baby in a dumpster, as abhorrent as the situation might be, is quite possibly the best scenario out of a horrifying dozen, the top being Chad has finally procreated. Of course there is the question of why the hell Chad and Paget were in a dumpster in the first place, but with Chad, Alex has learned to prioritize.
"Paget, listen to me. I'm not sure how drunk you are, but I'm relatively confident that even at your drunkest I would be able to talk more sense into you than into Chad."
"DAMN STRAIGHT." Alex can hear Chad hollering in the background. The baby has stopped crying. Alex really hopes it's not dead.
"Paget, I need you to put the baby back where you two found it, and then call the police. Okay? You know what, forget the seocnd part. I'll call the police. You just PUT THAT BABY BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT."
"Nope. No can do, sweetheart," Paget crows. "I got a pair of shoes that matches that baby. I'm taking it home with me and then maybe Chad and I will go look for a top to go with it."
"I'll only go with you if you promise to a time-share," Chad says.
Paget considers this. "Deal. Here, you can have your phone back. Man, you're right. Your sister is a really good lawyer."
This entry was originally posted at http://wcynic.dreamwidth.org/3162.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
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no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 11:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 01:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 02:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 03:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 03:36 pm (UTC)That might be one of the crackiest things you have ever written.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 03:39 pm (UTC)Really? In the grand scheme of things, I feel like gingerbread!Lorelai is significantly crackier. Or the Dora the Explorer/SVU fic.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-19 04:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 02:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 03:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 04:09 pm (UTC)Man, those were good days.
no subject
Date: 2012-08-20 08:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-21 04:35 am (UTC)"I got a pair of shoes that match that baby"...what does that mean? What are those shoes made of? I don't know, but it's damn funny!
no subject
Date: 2012-08-21 03:09 pm (UTC)Yeah, I have no idea what inspired this, but I laughed my ass off writing it so I'm glad it instilled the same reaction in you.
Also, I emailed you with writerly woes!!!!!!!!!
no subject
Date: 2012-08-23 12:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-08-23 02:57 pm (UTC)