they're called overalls, not over t-shirts

[wizened_cynic]

To celebrate the completion of my IP final, I decided to write fic that nobody wants to read. Seriously, you knew this day was coming. That's right.

I WROTE CHAD FIC.

To make it more ... palatable (if anything to do with Chad can ever be palatable), there's one section that is Sophia/Danneel and Alex Cabot makes an appearance, naturally. THERE ARE NO COCKS INVOLVED, I PROMISE.



Four Women (and Jared) Whose Lives Chad Changed Forever

1.



Chad was born awesome.



The doctor who did his circumcision swore he'd never seen another newborn with such a massive dick. And then right after the douchebag finished his slicing and dicing, Chad pissed on him to make a point, which is that no one messes with Chad's dick without his consent and gets away with it.



It's a true story.



You can ask Chad's mom, who's still pretty stunned by how she managed to give birth to such an incredible human being. But don't even fucking think about hitting on her. Chad will fuck you up.







2.



Chad was practically the first to R.S.V.P. for his high school reunion. It would be a disgrace for his entire school if he didn't go, since he turned out to be the most successful motherfucker who ever graduated from there. Sure, there was a dickface in his class who became a neurosurgeon, but do you see his face on the cover of People?



Chad didn't think so.



He was reminding Dr. Brainy McBigshot of that when Sophia arrived.



Sophia was this chick Chad dated in his senior year and damn, she'd turned out fine. Total MILF in the making. Great rack. And if he recalled correctly, she was completely willing to get dirty in bed.



Of course, she had been totally devastated when Chad broke things off and tried to murder him with a pom pom, but he was famous now and willing to let it all be water under the bridge.



"Long time no see, sweetheart," Chad said as he approached her, and Sophia, bless her, actually looked thrilled to see him. This was going to be like shooting fish in a barrel. Or spreading rumors about Jared on Datalounge and getting the true believers to update his page on Wikipedia.



Sophia was beaming. "It's so great to see you!" For a second Chad thought she was going to hug him, which he would've gladly accepted, but then it looked like she thought better of it.



"Heard you're married," he said casually, scanning the room for the dumbshit whose wife he was going to be screwing.



"Two years next month," replied Sophia. "She'll be here any minute, I'd love for you to meet her."



Chad stopped. "Wait, what?"



Before he knew what was happening, some busty redhead sidles up to Sophia and kisses her like they were in a sorority party.



This was an interesting development.



Chad always knew his cock would ruin other men for chicks he'd slept with. He wondered if he should feel guilty that he was depriving his fellow men of the chance to nail either one of these women, because they were both so fucking hot. He didn't, really. Feel guilty.



"I had a really rough time after you cheated on me with my Home Ec teacher," Sophia explained when they finally stopped kissing.



"She baked me cookies," Chad reminisced fondly.



"I figured you represented everything that is wrong and hateful about men, and I wasn't going to let myself fall for that shit again."



"I told her it was a crazy way of thinking. Just because you're a horrible human being doesn't make it true for all guys," Danneel said, laying her hand on Sophia's shoulder.



"By the time it took me to figure things out and be ready to start dating again, I realized I didn't want to be with just some guy. I wanted to be with Danneel."



They were smiling at each other so lovingly that it was almost crossing the boundary from "pornographically hot" to "slightly nauseating." Still, Chad wondered if they were going to get it on in the teacher's lounge. He wondered if they'd let him watch. He had an amazing camera phone.



"Yeah, okay, whatever. Call me when lesbian bed death sets in. I'll help you out," he said, distracted by who he thought was the Home Ec teacher in the corner with his former wrestling coach.



Fact: Chad loves lesbians, but he also loves cookies.





3.



Chad met Reba at some lameass CW event his contract made him attend. She was standing there by the open bar and he figured why the hell not.



Now he was being sued for sexual harrassment.



"This is fucking bullshit," Chad said at his deposition. His sister, who was also his lawyer, was telling him to shut the fuck up. "I did her a favor! I put her on the map! The fucking map! I turned her from a MIWTGAF into a MILF!"



"A what?" Alex asked.



"Mother I Want to Get Away From," explained Chad.



The room was silent for a moment as the lawyers and the paralegals and the secretary with the 36Cs who came in to pour them coffee basked in Chad's genius.



"Let's discuss settlement," Alex said to other attorney.



"You haven't even talked to Mary Steenburgen!" Chad protested, but they were already talking terms and shit.



Chad's sister was the worst lawyer ever.







4.



Chad was the best at gift-giving.



"You are the worst at gift-giving," said Alex.



"Lies, big sister," he said. "All lies. My gift is awesome. You just haven't learned to appreciate it the way it deserves to be appreciated."



"I don't want ten coupons for a free prostitute."



Chad scowled. "They're not coupons, they're gift cards. Besides," he added thoughtfully, "sometimes it's not about what you want. It's what you need."



"Well, I don't need ten coupons for a free prostitute."



A collective snort came from everyone in the room, followed by Chad reminding her that they're gift cards, for fuck's sake.



"I don't know, dear, sometimes it does seem like you could ... unwind a little," Alex's mother said.



"I love my Wii," their father said, patting the box affectionately.



"Damn straight," Chad said. "That's because I'm the best at gift-giving."







5.



It's a truth universally acknowledged that bulimics give the best head.



"No gag reflex, get it?" Chad said.



Jared was staring at him, mostly horrified. Finally, he just shook his head and said, "Dude, sometimes I honestly think you're the worst person in the world."



"Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it."



"I'm not going to try it, Chad, okay? Ever. And try not to tell people I know you."



"Too late, bitch. Everyone knows we're BFF!"



Jared sighed. "I'm still not going to find you the addresses for bulimia support groups."



Whatever. Chad knew how to use Google. And after he found what he was looking for, he was going to tell the internet how much Jared Padalecki loves ass sex.



"You did what?" Jared asked three weeks later, when he accompanied Chad to Chad's court apperance.



"I'm in the middle of apologizing to you," Chad said huffily. "Try not to interrupt, dickwad. And besides, everyone already knew you love ass sex."



It only took ten minutes for Chad to plead guilty to loitering. It wasn't the first time someone had filed a restraining order against him, so whatever. He had to put up with Alex's bitching for at least an hour though, so that sucked, especially when Jared disappeared in the middle of it and came back smiling like a teenage girl who'd just lost her virginity to --- well, Chad.



"There's this guy," Jared began, before anyone even asked. "I just ran into him outside of Courtroom No.5. He's a clerk for Judge Koehler?"



"Jensen Ackles," Alex said approvingly. "Good kid."



"I got his number," Jared squealed, unable to contain his glee. "We're going to meet for a drink later and, uh, am I looking too happy? I should stop looking so happy. Right? And play it cool? I'm cool. I'm so cool."



Chad resisted the urge to punch Jared in his big, dopey face, so instead he just punched him in the shoulder. "And to think you never would've met him if I hadn't stalked those chicks."



Alex was rolling her eyes and Jared was still spazzing out over the potential for getting some great ass sex in the recent future, so neither of them answered Chad, which was fine, because Chad knew how awesome he genuinely was and genuine awesomeness didn't need acknowledgement.



And that's a true story.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW, GUYS. I DON'T EVEN.

Comments

[nike-ravus.livejournal.com]

!
!!
!!!!!
This is so, so, so awesome!

I would say why, but I just realized the paper due in 4 hours needs to be longer than i thought it did.

But prostitute coupons!!!!!!

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

They're GIFT CARDS!

Thank you! And good luck on your dumbshit paper. I just finished mine so obviously, it won't kill you ... this time.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

So I have been having sleep issues forever, but recently I've taken to putting podfic into my iphone and listening to it while I attempt (miserably) to fall asleep.

This fic? SO NOT GOOD AT PUTTING ME TO SLEEP. It cracks my shit up. Thanks again for doing the podfic for it. It's golden.

[metalphoenix.livejournal.com]

Oh Chad, you're such a fucking douche. I'm not even sure which section I like the best, but I'm loving that Alex had to get legally involved in 2 of the 5. She probably pulled even for law school just by having Chad as a client.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Poor Alex. It's not her fault she's related to this douchebag.

I am glad you like this, in spite of Chad's despicable existence! It's all because of you that this fic even exists! Thanks, IB!

[aygul.livejournal.com]

This is the most amazing thing ever and I'm sure I shouldn't love it as much as I do. It makes sense that he's related to Alex. I don't know why, but it does.

I wish I had prostitute gift cards. I would give them to everyone and have no more stupid holiday stress.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Yeah, it felt natural that Chad would be related to Alex somehow. Because her life is pain.

Obviously we need to start a prostitute gift card business. How else will your average holiday shopper be able to show their love for family and friends?

[madcap-shiny.livejournal.com]

ACES.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

:D :D :D

[hostile-driver.livejournal.com]

Wow ... I was not prepared for this one when you IM'ed me today. This is, um, this is something.

That being said, Chad is awesome. And Alex does suck as a lawyer. And Jared is a fan of grabbing ye old ankles.

Yea, I'd tap this fic - I'll claim it. I may stalk it too, ya know, for kicks.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Heh, glad you like it, BP. I thought you would. And Chad is totally awesome. You know it.

[theagonyofblank.livejournal.com]

L. M. F. A. O.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

\0/ \0/ \0/

[sequinedfairy.livejournal.com]

i don't even remember how i got here, but you should probably know three things:

1. EVERYONE needs chad fic.
2. prostitute gift cards are my new go-to gift.
3. THIS IS AMAZING.

seriously, sophia/danneel, the home ec teacher, his sister the lawyer, him being a TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING, jareddddd, bulimia, court appearances, peeing on the doctor, THIS IS ALL AMAZING.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I don't know how you got here either, but I'm so glad you did! (As does Chad.) Thanks so much for the lovely comment! I'm thrilled that you liked this! :D :D