wizened_cynic: (cwrpf - sophia)
[personal profile] wizened_cynic
So here it is, the Sophia/Alona fic. It's really more like Sophia/awesome fic, because Sophia is awesome. It was written from [livejournal.com profile] metalphoenix's birthday, which isn't until tomorrow, but she has two finals today so she needs something to look forward to.

Don't have any high expectations of this.

This takes place in a better and alternate reality where OTH was not renewed, Meloni and Hargitay did not renew their contracts, and Sophia, Alona, and Ben McKenzie take over NBC. SM makes a cameo. Oh, and Neal Baer is fucking insane. But you already know that.





this one time, on imdb


People keep asking her what she's going to do now that the show is over, and honestly, Sophia has no idea. Not having to see her ex-husband on a daily basis along with whichever barely-legal tramp he's fucking at the moment is really the only answer that she has.

Danneel solves her problem by telling her to go with her to Vancouver.

"You need to, like, relax," Danneel says. It's their last night in North Carolina and they're lying on the floor of Sophia's empty apartment with Patch and Penny stretched out beside them, occasionally licking the tips of their fingers. Everything else's been packed and sent back to her parents' house in Pasadena until she can find an apartment in L.A. or whatever. Figure out what's next.

"Vancouver?" Sophia says, trying it out.

"Vancouver's the best place to relax," Danneel says. "Because there's nothing there. Except rain."

"Oh, yeah, that sounds great."

"They have really good Chinese food too! And weed."

"Didn't your boyfriend smoke some of that shit and started making out with Jared?"

Danneel snorts-laughs so loud that Patch pokes his head up and stares at her quizzically. "Sweetie, according to the internet, he's always making out with Jared." She sobers a little, scratching the scruff of Patch's neck, and adds, "It's Jared, isn't it? It'll be weird to stay with him? You can get a hotel or something, we don't have to stay at his place."

"No, it's not weird. Well, it's weird that you want to stay with the guy your boyfriend is constantly making out with ---"

Danneel shrieks with laughter. Oh god, Sophia thinks, she's so wasted. "Shut up, Bush!" Danneel screeches, which Sophia thinks is the most hilarious thing in the world for some reason so she starts laughing, and yeah, they're both wasted.

"No, Jared's fine," Sophia says as she lazily strokes Penny's back. Jared was Chad's friend before he was Sophia's, but they've kept in touch after the divorce and Jared's always been so incredibly nice and classy and not a douche that Sophia has never understood why he's friends with Chad. "Jared's awesome. I loooooooove Jared," she drawls, rolling over to press her face against Danneel's shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah, so does my boyfriend."

More drunken laughter that confuses the dogs some more, and then it's set.

Vancouver it is.


*

Jensen comes to pick them up at the airport. Jared's apparently still on set, filming a scene where he's manhandling a Chewbacca or something ("Chupacabra --- you know what, never mind."), so Jensen drives them back to his house and get them settled in.

"So this is the looooooooveshack where you've been hiding your boyfriend," Danneel singsongs at the end of the tour. Jensen starts making out with her to get her to shut up, and it's kind of awkward to just stand there and watch them go at it, so Sophia goes out into the backyard to hang out with Sadie and Harley.

That night all four of them go out for some of that really good Chinese food Danneel had promised, and she's right. The food is amazing and when Danneel asks Sophia if she wants to try some of that weed now, Jensen rolls his eyes and says, "I did not make out with Jared. Don't listen to her, Sophia," and Jared claps one of his giant hands on his shoulder and says, "You almost made it to third base, man," and Sophia doesn't stop laughing for like, an hour.

The next morning she wakes up to Danneel and Jensen having offensively loud sex in the next room. She remembers what Danneel said about Jensen's mutant-like ability to give head and decides she's never going to get back to sleep with that image in her mind, so she goes downstairs to the kitchen for some breakfast. She's feeding the dogs when Jared comes back from his morning run.

"Hey," he manages to say before Harley jumps him.

Sophia helps pull the dogs off him so he can grab some breakfast, and over coffee they talk about their projects and the weather and whether it was creepy for Milo to date a 17-year-old and the weather and the dogs and the weather.

"You really like to talk about weather," Sophia points out.

"I live in Vancouver," Jared says and leaves it at that, because it basically explains everything.

Jensen and Danneel are still at it two hours later, so Jared says, "Fuck this shit," and they take the dogs for a run along the seawall in Stanley Park. It's colder than Sophia anticipated, the clouds low and grey and threatening rain, but then the sun comes out seven minutes later and it starts getting warm.

"You weren't kidding about the weather," Sophia says when they stop for sushi at a place on Robson. She thinks she might be getting a sunburn.

Jared just sort of raises his eyebrows and drinks to that. "Hey, do you know Alona?" he asks as he snaps his chopsticks apart.

"I know of her," Sophia says. She thinks she's met Alona at some CW event back when Alona was on Veronica Mars. They'd talked for maybe forty seconds.

"She did a couple of episodes with us," Jared continues. "Anyway, she and I were talking a couple weeks back and she told me she's auditioning for a spot on SVU."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she's gonna replace the lady cop."

Sophia stops eating. She's read on Ausiello about the contract negotiations with Meloni and Hargitay but she didn't think NBC would actually say no to them, even if one of them had supposedly asked for a small country in the Caribbean.

Jared sloshes his tuna roll around in the little plate of soy sauce. "They're still looking for a lawyer. You should give it a shot."

"What?" She actually laughs at this. "You think I could be a lawyer?"

"A lawyer on TV, sure."

"Me. A lawyer," Sophia says unbelievingly.

"Why the hell not?"

He does have a point. She would look great in a power suit. The legal-speak might take a while, but once she got that down, she could totally kick some ass in court. It might not even take a while; back in college she'd watched almost every single episode of the original series in reruns on TNT.

Jared shrugs. "Talk to your agent about it. Hey, do you think we need to bring them back something, or are they already full from that maple-flavored lube I got Jensen for his birthday?"

"Jesus Christ, Jared," Sophia says. "No wonder the internet thinks you two are fucking."


*

Sophia realizes within five minutes of meeting Neal Baer that the guy is totally fucking insane.

He wasn't there at the audition, but on her first day on set, he calls her into his office and welcomes her into the "warm bosom of the family that is SVU." He tells her how important her job is, how the show puts a "human face" on the horrors and tragedies that occur everyday, how it is educating the public on the terrible plights of victims everywhere and how they're going to do that by doing a season premiere about a child-pornography ring masterminded by an evil 8-year-old who's actually forty-two but trapped in a child's body due to a hormonal disorder.

So basically, don't let your kids bring their friends home from school unless you've done through background checks and blood tests beforehand.

"The fuck," Ben says as soon as Neal is out of earshot. He's replacing Meloni as the rageaholic cop who likes to punch things in an effort to skew younger for NBC.

"Yeah, I don't know," says Alona. She's a tiny blonde thing and Sophia swears the gun they give her weighs more than she does. Now that they've finally talked for more than forty seconds, Sophia's figured out that Alona's pretty cool, if a little addicted to caffeine and firearms. She'd been knitting a gun cozy at the audition when Sophia went up and greeted her.

It's the second day on the job but the first time all three of them have a scene together, and they're hanging out in the interrogation room while the lighting crew does their thing. Everyone is nice enough, though from their dazed looks sometimes, Sophia can see that they're still wrapping their heads around the fact that the leads of their show were born in the eighties.

"I wasn't born in the 80's," Ben protests.

"You were on The O.C.," Sophia says. "You might as well be."

"Yeah, well, you were a teenager for six years," Ben says.

"Shut up! They aged us in Season 5!"

Alona snickers at them from where she's perched on a chair, playing with her prop gun. The prop department wouldn't let her use the cozy she'd knitted, so she'd knitted this other part to it and given it to Sophia for Sophia's iPod.

"We have really big shoes to fill," she says, mimicking Neal. "We're supposed to show NBC that they'd made a good move by not buying Chris and Mariska those islands next to the Bahamas."

The P.A. sticks his head into the room to say that they'll be ready in ten, and will Ben please sweat more in the meantime, because he's supposed to have just beaten up a perp.

"Well, they found the right people," Ben says, cracking his knuckles, his voice so low and sober that Sophia can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.

*

They get good reviews from TV Guide and E!Online, but it's pretty clear after the second episode that the internet hates them.

"Not the whole internet," Ben says, but he should just shut up because the internet loves ambiguously gay boys and he's getting way more love than anyone else, "just the people on Television Without Pity."

Alona shrugs off the criticism with casual grace. "They hated me on Supernatural, so whatever."

Sophia wants to be able to brush this off as easily as Alona does, but it's hard. She didn't work 14-hour days to be reamed for being too much like her pre-predecessor. It's not her fault that her character is irrepressibly hot and badass by nature. The internet shouldn't complain. The internet should fear her, since she could probably toss the whole internet into Rikers.

Ben slings his arm around her shoulders in a half-hug. "Cheer up, babe. It's only been a month. So far there are only, like, five hundred signatures on the petition for Chris and Mariska to come back."

"And besides," Alona says, moving over so she can join the awkward embrace, "even though they're saying that you are, quote, trying too hard to be like Alex, most of them think you're a step up from Casey and that you rock a tight skirt."

"Fuck yeah I do," Sophia says. She sighs softly and leans back into her friends, wondering why she cares so much. It's the fucking internet.

"That's my girl." Alona beams, mussing up Sophia's hair, and clicks the little X in the corner of the window, making the internet vanish into the cast picture they took together for the front cover of People that Ben is using as the background on his laptop.

They get the following day off and Alona takes Sophia to a target range.

It helps.

*

The internet changes its mind a few episodes later, because Sophia (and her character, Sam) is really that awesome.

Sophia wins at the internet.

She and Ben and Alona go out to celebrate at one of the five million bars that know Stephanie by drink, and after a couple of margaritas, she spills out what she's read on the internet.

"You have a problem," Ben says. "You know that, right?"

She ignores him and points to Alona and then back at herself. "You and me," she says, and she's not drunk, just more verbose than usual, "we have potential to be the new Alex and Olivia."

"What?" Alona asks, sniggering into her beer.

"Half of the internet is threatened by us, and the other half thinks we should go where they never did."

Alona shakes her head and says, "I'm so lost." She's the only one of them, the only person in all of America, probably, who hasn't seen more than three episodes of Law and Order or its thousand spinoffs. That's how she got the role of Avery Thomas: by doing her own thing and not trying to be Mariska. According to Neal, no one can live up to Mariska. But then Neal is totally fucking insane, so whatever.

"She means," Ben says, smiling over the rim of his drink, "the internet wants you two to make out."

"The internet wants you to make out," Sophia replies automatically, "with Dann." She doesn't know she said that. It's not true, at least she doesn't think it is, and the visual is horrifying.

"It'd be an honor to make out with Dann," Ben says.

"I agree very much with that assessment," says Alona.

They start laughing again --- later, Sophia will remember her time on SVU as a series of inappropriate laughter in random places --- and some pap takes pictures of them and puts them on Just Jared.


*

ADA Bryce almost gets disbarred after screwing up a case to save a retarded street kid from being sold to terrorists or whatever, Sophia wasn't really listening to Neal when he talked about his vision, and her boss calls her into her office and basically asks her what the fuck she thinks she's doing.

Sophia keeps flubbing her lines for this scene. She doesn't even know why; it's not one of those scenes where half of it is in legal jargon and the other half doesn't make any human sense. They're on take six hundred when the director calls a fifteen minute break. It's one in the morning and ironically, Stephanie, who plays her boss, is the only person who doesn't look like they want to punch Sophia in the face.

Sophia wants to die.

"Take it easy," Stephanie says, pulling her aside. She sounds almost cheerful, which mean she's been drinking, which is not unusual considering she's a functional alcoholic.

"This is so embarrassing," Sophia mutters into her hands. Now she's smudging her glasses as well. Great.

"It gets tough, I know. Here."

Sophia feels something nudging at her hand. She opens her eyes to see Stephanie holding a Sigg bottle to her. "Drink this."

She does, even though anyone on set will tell you that it's never a good idea to accept any form of beverage from Stephanie. The first sip is pure bile, but by the time it reaches Sophia's stomach, she's feeling oddly at ease.

"What the hell is this?" Sophia asks as she feels herself reaching her Zen place.

"It's privileged information," Stephanie says, taking her hand and pulling her up. "Now come on. Let's get this over with."

Whatever Stephanie gives her does the trick and it only takes one take to finish the scene.

"Told you," Stephanie says on their way back to the dressing rooms. "All you have to do is relax."

"Seriously, thank you. I don't know what was in that and I don't know if I want to know, but thank you thank you thank you."

"You know, there's a lot more where that's coming from."

So that's how they end up getting wasted in Stephanie's dressing room and discussing whether or not Stephanie should start a microbrewery in there. "I actually think it's doable," she says, her Texas drawl returning after a small Eastern European country's worth of tequila.

It's the most brilliant thing Sophia has ever heard. "Milo could totally hook you up with the stuff you need!"

"Who?"

"Never mind." Sophia closes her eyes. She feels warm and safe, and just toasted enough to get up the nerve and stupidity to ask Stephanie about her big gay love for Mariska.

Stephanie laughs so hard the whole room shakes. "Oh my god, am I still having an affair with Mariska?"

"According to the internet," Sophia says solemnly. "And we both know the internet does not lie."

"The internet tells the truth, baby. I'm totally still seeing Mariska, and I'm banging Tina Fey on the side." She's being sarcastic but Sophia can't help but imagine how hot that would be. "But seriously. The internet needs to get over itself."

Sophia gasps. "Do not," she says warningly, "tell the internet to get over itself."

"Well, the internet needs to start directing my big gay love at somebody else."

"Okay." Sophia tries to come up with someone deserving of Stephanie's big gay love. It proves to be immensely difficult to do in her condition. She thinks she might throw up.

Finally, she says, "Lauren Graham."

Stephanie is in hysterics. "Yeah, yeah, I can see that. Lauren's hot." She finally stops giggling into her pillow and is quiet for a moment. Then she asks, sighing contentedly, "What about you and Alona?"

"What about me and Alona?"

"You're the new me and she's the new Mariska and --- yes!" She sits up straight, which Sophia finds pretty amazing considering how drunk they both are, and shouts, "Yes! You and Alona should totally make out!"

"You're insane," Sophia says, and then, reconsidering, "Maybe we should. The internet wants us to."

"Bullshit," Stephanie says, falling back onto the floor. There's a thud. For a second Sophia worries that she's passed out, and she remembers what Ben said about rolling Stephanie onto her side so that she wouldn't asphyxiate on her own vomit, but then Stephanie murmurs, "The internet already thinks you are."


*

Neal ships Ben/Alona. Well, he ships their characters. He's always writing scenes where they're uncomfortably close to making out, and it drives him crazy when he hears from fans that they want to see Ben's character in a relationship with the FBI Agent that Shia LaBeouf played for three episodes.

"Goddammit, this is not the CW," Neal snits after their presentation at the Winter Press Tour.

Sophia glances over at Alona and Ben, as if to say, If this were the CW, he'd be gay for his brother.

She has to jam her elbow into Alona's side to stop her from bursting out laughing.

Neal retaliates against the internet by writing an episode where Avery comes down with a mutant strain of the swine flu and teeters on the brink of death. Baylor and Sam visit her in the ICU to tell her to hang on, they're a few minutes from negotiating the vaccine from the DOD. It's completely ludicrous, but when they actually start shooting the scene, Alona is tiny and pale in the narrow bed, swaddled in sheets, and Ben, sitting at her side, looks devastated.

"How is she doing?" Sophia stands at the foot of the bed, watching Alona breathe into her oxygen mask.

Ben's shoulders shake as he whispers, shell-shocked, "I don't know. I really don't know. I don't --- what am I gonna do, Sam? What if she doesn't make it?"

And then it hits Sophia, for the first time, how amazingly ridiculous and wonderful this job is. She'd sort of known even before she auditioned that the show is so far gone from its glory days its continued existence defies logic and physics and the natural order of the universe, but she booked the role anyway because it pays well and she gets to work with fantastic guest stars and because it's SVU.

Now she's here and she's staying because of the people, because Ben is shy and serious and knows everything, and Alona is loud and beautiful and loyal, and Ice and the Belz are beyond cool, and she wants to adopt Dann as her grandfather or something. She's here, saying these laughable lines, and she kind of loves it.

Sophia moves to the other side of bed and stares down at Alona. She counts to three, then brushes her fingertips against Alona's cheek. "Wake up, Ace," she whispers, and the director yells, "CUT!"

Alona's eyes pop open and she starts cussing into the oxygen mask in Hebrew. Sophia sticks her tongue out at her when no one's looking.

"That was perfect, guys," David says. "We need Ben for the next scene, but you can go now, girls."

When the episode airs a month later, the response is overwhelming. The internet practically dissolves into anarchy when the number of people who ship Avery/Sam triple and Neal Baer's twitter gets bombarded by angry Avery/Baylor fans.

"I think Neal is curled up in a ball somewhere, crying," Alona as they prep for a scene in the courtroom.

"Maybe we should just have a threesome," Sophia says, and Ben chokes on his bottle of Powerade.

"Foursome," Alona corrects, sitting on the defense table and swinging her legs. "They're bringing in a love interest for you. Maybe a Jonas brother."

"Hot," says Ben.

"Neal needs to, like, get over it." Sophia sighs. She's been written out in most of the scenes with Ben and Alona. She loves Dann and Ice and the Belz as much as the next person, but she'd like more to do than to repeatedly assert that she can't get them a warrant without more evidence.

"We might have to break his spirit a little," Alona says.

*

So they start messing with Neal's head, which is disgustingly easy to do. All it takes is for Sophia to start acting like she wants to jump Alona in every single scene. Sophia used to think she was the champion of eyefucking, but Alona holds her ground pretty well, and soon they're being mentioned on AfterEllen.com

When they're not shooting, they hang out together, partly because they enjoy making Neal cry, but mostly because they don't really know a lot of people in New York and neither of them are the partying type. They'd rather walk their dogs in the park or go to the Strand and read for hours, and then grab dinner and head home to watch America's Next Top Model.

One night, after three hours of playing Counterstrike on the Xbox Sophia had given her for Hannukah, Alona randomly comes up with the theory that Belzer is actually a robot.

"I'm intrigued," Sophia says, sprawling across the futon in Alona's living room. Alona's dog moves over to make room for her, and she scratches behind his ear in gratitude."Tell me more. Prove it beyond reasonable doubt."

Alona crushes another handful of Special K into her ice cream. It's disgusting, really, but she swears it makes the ice cream taste so much better. "Can't even get out of character for a minute, can you?"

"Please, my character is such a ball of sunshine and joy, why would I ever want to be anyone else?" Samantha Bryce is a girl scout turned crusader for justice after she was almost molested by a troop leader when she was eleven. She also wears bitchin' heels in the courtroom, which, considering the size of the chip on her shoulder, is amazing that that she can even walk properly.

Sophia misses Brooke Davis so much sometimes, it's not even funny.

"Shut up, at least you didn't grow up with psycho foster parents who may or may not have abused you and no one knows until sweeps."

"Please, almost getting molested always trumps psycho foster parents."

"I have a gun."

"I have legal prowess and these Jimmy Choos."

"I might have a drinking problem."

"I thought Cragen had the drinking problem."

Alona shrugs and adds more crushed cereal into her bowl of mint chocolate chip. "We're supposed to bond or something. Go to AA meetings together. If I don't turn out to be the kind of drunk that flies into rages."

"Ben has dibs on flying into rages," Sophia points out. "When he's not too busy being ambiguously gay to confuse the internets."

"Fuck our lives," Alona says brightly and raises her can of diet Pepsi.

Sophia drinks to that, and for a minute she catches herself thinking that this is the best date she's had in months, and it's not even technically a date.

*

"You guys have got to tone it down." They're having dinner at one of the restaurants Stephanie got from her ex-husband after the divorce and Ben's looking anxious. Sophia hopes it's not because of the food. It'd tasted fine, even though she's not sure what it was. "Try not to get yourselves fired or give Neal a stroke, okay?"

"Awww, but our love is so true," Alona says. She leans over and rests her head against Sophia's shoulder. "Right, honey?"

"Totally. You can't expect us to, like, hide our feelings."

Ben rolls his eyes at both of them. "I tried," he says long-sufferingly, to Neal's guardian angel or something.

Fortunately for Neal, there's a sizable population of viewers that want Baylor and Avery to hook up. Sophia likes to think of herself as a kind and generous person, so she lets him have that. Everyone needs something to hold onto.

She gets more scenes with Stephanie and Dann and fewer with Alona and Ben, but it doesn't matter in the long run because the internet doesn't really need something to work with. The internet is adept at making shit up.

So the moral of the story is not to fuck with the internet, because one night you will wake up to Danneel Harris screaming through the phone and into your ear.

"You bitch! You were holding out on me! You're hooking up with Alona and I have to read about it on IMDB?"

"You're still trolling IMDB?"

"It keeps my tits perky, hobag. You know it. Spill."

"You know it's 4 in the morning here and I have to be up at 6, right?"

"So what's it like being this huge lesbian?"

"Totally awesome. You should try it."

"Maybe I will. Tell Dick Wolf to cast me as, like, a lesbian rapist or something. And your girl can interrogate me, if you know what I mean."

"No way, Harris. I don't share."

"Holy shit." It's silent for a moment on Danneel's end. "Are you really going out with Alona?"

"What?" Sophia laughs, incredulous. "Of course not."

"Holy shit," repeats Danneel. "You totally like her."

"Everything on IMDB is a lie, Danneel. It's probably something your mom should have talked to you about."

"Yeah, well, how many hours do you spend with her a day?"

"We work together. I spend all day with Dann Florek and I'm definitely not going out with him."

"I'd go out with him," Danneel says.

"Yeah, so would Ben," Sophia says. What is it with people and their attraction to Dann? "You guys should have a threesome."

"No, seriously, how much time to you spend with her? Because I'm telling you, the last, like, fifty times I've called you, you were either at her apartment scrapbooking or whatever shit lesbians do, or she's over and you guys are watching Jon and Kate or something. And you've tagged only about a million pictures of her on your Facebook."

"Screw you, your boyfriend got me into scrapbooking."

"You're avoiding the question."

"Because your question is stupid and I don't want to answer it."

"Or, my question is awesome and you don't want to answer it because you know you're secretly gay for Alona Tal."

"I am not," Sophia insists.

"Sorry, not secretly gay ---"

"I'm hanging up on you. Go call your gay boyfriend. And his boyfriend. And Misha Collins."

She can almost hear Danneel making a face. "Whatevs. All I'm saying is, don't jump to conclusions. Make out with her, and then decide if you have a thing for her."

"Seriously, tell Misha I loved that picture of him pouring yogurt on his face."


*

Sophia's off her game for the whole day, probably because she was woken up at four in the morning by Danneel's stupid phone call. The good thing is that she's got her lines down, and for once the plot is not so farfetched that she has trouble keeping a straight face.

Although Ben does have to go undercover as a cagefighter.

Alona's in the interrogation room, questioning a suspect while Sophia prepares for her next scene. Sam is supposed to get pissed at Avery and Baylor for breaching his constitutional right to something or other.

She can't stop thinking about what Danneel said earlier, and she must not be thinking straight, because Danneel kind of has a point. How else is Sophia ever going to find out?

On one hand, their friendship may be ruined, although that was unlikely, since Sophia can always shrug it off as an attempt to fuck with Neal some more. On the other hand, what if there is something there? What if the internet is right?

The scene ends and Alona swaggers out of the interrogation room, joking with the actor who plays the pedophile. She's still laughing when she catches sight of Sophia, and she raises her hand in a wave, and at that moment Sophia can see herself with her.

And so Sophia does what Brooke Davis would do.

She walks across the set and kisses her.





For those who do not know who any of these people are, here is a visual guide:



Sophia


Alona


Ben


Danneel






So, yeah. That's it. Happy birthday, Iron Bird!!!!! You're so full of awesome I am proud to have you as my stalker. *birthday fistbumps*

Date: 2009-08-17 05:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] onlyjustwhisper.livejournal.com
THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME THING I THINK I HAVE EVER READ. EVER. Seriously, I loved it! I have no idea who any of these people are, and all I know is that Alona is like, SUPER pretty and looks like Kay Panattiere (I think) but whatever, hi new girlcrush!!
And Stephanie!! :D :D :D :D I can just picture ALL of this!

(I love you for this <333)

But this:
'He wasn't there at the audition, but on her first day on set, he calls her into his office and welcomes her into the "warm bosom of the family that is SVU." He tells her how important her job is, how the show puts a "human face" on the horrors and tragedies that occur everyday, how it is educating the public on the terrible plights of victims everywhere and how they're going to do that by doing a season premiere about a child-pornography ring masterminded by an evil 8-year-old who's actually forty-two but trapped in a child's body due to a hormonal disorder.'
This could be an actual storyline! Don't be giving them ideas!!

Happy birthday metalphoenix!!

Date: 2009-08-17 07:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
:D :D :D

Thank you so much! I'm glad you read this! I'm amazed you read this, especially considering you don't know who the people are. Alona is SUPER PRETTY and awesome and I love her! I didn't do her justice in the fic though, but whatevs, I WAS ON CRACK.

God, I would totally expect them to steal that storyline from me. Bitches!

Date: 2009-08-17 10:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] metalphoenix.livejournal.com
hey, thanks! :)

Date: 2009-08-17 05:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] madcap-shiny.livejournal.com
And in the next fic they find out Jensen and Jared really ARE demon hunters and Neal Baer has to be sent to hell, right?

Date: 2009-08-17 07:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Only if YOU write it.

Date: 2009-08-17 07:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] metalphoenix.livejournal.com
YAYAYAYAY I HAVEN'T READ IT YET I AM JUST REALLY EXCITED! MY FINALS ARE OVER AND I GET SQUISHY FIC AND YOU REALLY ARE JUST THE BEST.

Okay, off to read now.

Date: 2009-08-17 07:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] metalphoenix.livejournal.com
OMG OMG OMG I HAVE THOUGHTS

Finally, she says, "Lauren Graham." I love you for being able tot throw that in there. You are the best at in-jokes.

"Goddammit, this is not the CW," Neal snits after their presentation at the Winter Press Tour.

Sophia glances over at Alona and Ben, as if to say, If this were the CW, he'd be gay for his brother.
hahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

She'd sort of known even before she auditioned that the show is so far gone from its glory days its continued existence defies logic and physics and the natural order of the universe, SNERK, so true.

Alona's eyes pop open and she starts cussing into the oxygen mask in Hebrew. fuck, I love Alona so much.

Sophia used to think she was the champion of eyefucking, but Alona holds her ground pretty well, yessssss, totally approved.

They're having dinner at one of the restaurants Stephanie got from her ex-husband after the divorce I see what you did there!!

but it doesn't matter in the long run because the internet doesn't really need something to work with. The internet is adept at making shit up. seriously, this whole fic is the best meta EVER.

Ahh! Ahh, Jo, this is so fantastic! Thank you so much, best present ever! And yeah, a bit as suspected, I've got an urge to watch OTH now for Brooke. Damn you! Except not, because you're amazing.

Also, screw fistbumps, you're getting a hug. *invades your personal space*

Date: 2009-08-17 07:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
So, you like the fic? :P

I'm really glad you do, because, well, I wrote it for you. Duh. But yeah, I had loads of fun meta-snarking on everything and I'm happy you enjoyed, even without knowing the awesomeness that is Brooke. (And yes, you should watch OTH. It's awful. You'll love it.)

Ew, hugs. *grudgingly lets you*

Date: 2009-08-17 09:22 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Now, THAT was awesome. For reals.

Date: 2009-08-18 01:08 am (UTC)

Date: 2009-08-17 09:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] glitterberrys.livejournal.com
The hell kind of name is "Danneel?"

Date: 2009-08-18 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Hell would I know. According to Wikipedia, she's named after Danneel Street in New Orleans.

Date: 2009-08-17 10:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nike-ravus.livejournal.com
*Cries*

I'm beginning to think that there is something very strange and mysterious about the fact that i was completely prepared to read this fic. It was like, la, la, la, Chad (ew), Vancouver, la, Harley and Sadie, i know who they are, totally not thrown for a moment, and then we fall into the depths of meta snark and I'm getting all the jokes.
This worries me.

So they bought them those islands, didn't they. *sighs.* This cast would be so much prettier to watch.
Sophia Bush would make a kickin' sexy lawyer.

Alona is so muchly muchly hot, especially with guns. (Vast improvement over cheerleading uniforms from VMars)

Your description of functional alcoholic Stephanie made me think of my old Jazz Band conductor, who taught me the fine art of keeping vodka in the water bottle while sitting around being bored in the pit during a musical. I wuz sad. Especially because she's kinda the mom to all these newbies.
I totally thought the internet would start going off on Sophia/Stephanie tangents because... it's the internet. And somehow there's Alex/Donnelly punishment fic which is... um.... no.

And Go Sophia channelling Brooke Davis!!! Awesome!!

This fic is totally, unutterably, awesome, and needs much rereading.
... and sequels.

<3<3<3

Date: 2009-08-18 02:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
The internet will never let go of Stephanie/Mariska. Besides, Sophia deserves someone who can dress herself.

Thanks! Glad that you like it and that you got the in-jokes.

Date: 2009-08-19 03:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_slutknot_/
My mind has been blown.

I bow to you, your awesomeness, and your fantabulous story.

Date: 2009-08-19 03:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Thank you v. much! I try my best.

Date: 2009-08-19 09:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theagonyofblank.livejournal.com
YOU ACTUALLY POSTED THIS!!

And it was awesome and hilarious and so random, but still funny, and all the jokes were great.

Also, this!

but it doesn't matter in the long run because the internet doesn't really need something to work with. The internet is adept at making shit up.

YES. Exactly.

Date: 2009-08-19 11:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I DID! I almost didn't, but I decided whatever, I'm a whore for attention.

I'm so thrilled that you liked this! Crack is good for your body!

Date: 2009-09-02 01:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aquila1nz.livejournal.com
So my lazy self finally got around to reading this, and it was made of win.

"The good thing is that she's got her lines down, and for once the plot is not so farfetched that she has trouble keeping a straight face.

Although Ben does have to go undercover as a cagefighter."


This cracked me right up, and "The internet is adept at making shit up" because its so true.

Thank you for the picture references at the end.

Date: 2009-09-02 03:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Thanks! I'm really glad you liked this! Sophia and Danneel were in that fic I made you read a while back. Now you have a visual reference!
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