wizened_cynic | with great junk comes great responsibility

Better Off Ted is still the most hilarious new show of the season! Why aren't you guys watching it? LESBIANS! There is PORTIA in it! You know you love PORTIA! And her character is like, what Alex would be if Alex got lobotomized, started smoking crack, and then worked for a powerful mega-corporation during witness protection that makes 8-legged chickens and cowless meat blobs.

So watch it! It's good! And funny! And good! And funny!

What was NOT good: Criminal Minds. Okay, so it wasn't sucky as much as it was ... mediocre. Emily Prentiss needs a baby. That will make the show SO MUCH BETTER.

Oh, and for some reason, I wrote a ficlet where SPN!Lorelai can't stop kissing things.

Lorelai can't stop kissing things.

Alex has put up with a lot, including and not limited to Lorelai's obsession with My Little Ponies, her insistence on speaking in a British accent and answering only to James Bond, her refusal to watch anything but the Disney Channel, her turning into Ben Affleck and sprouting a penis in the middle of the night, and so forth.

But the kissing. Has got to stop.

It started with Hugh Jackman. They were coming out of a movie theater that was decidedly not haunted when Lorelai stopped in front of a poster and started making out with Wolverine.

Unfortunately, there was a precedent for Lorelai doing this sort of thing, so Alex didn't think it was anything too out of the ordinary.

"All right," Alex said, "do you want me to give you two some space?"

When Lorelai finally removed her lips from the wall, she turned to Alex and said, "Huh. That was weird."

"You think?"

"I don't know what happened, Alex! I just felt like I had to kiss him."

Not wanting her sister to elaborate any further, Alex clapped Lorelai on the shoulder twice and said solemnly, "We all have those days. Well, you do anyway. Now come on, there are rumors of a chupacubra a couple towns over."

By the time they got to Aroma Park, Illinois, population 823, goat-sucker 1, Lorelai had kissed their dashboard, her iPod, the map, the side mirror, several dusty objects dating back to the early 19th century in the pawnshop whose owner claimed to have seen the chupacubra, and the owner of the pawnshop himself.

Back in the Volvo, Alex turned to Lorelai, who was kissing the dashboard a third time, and said, "I know I say this often, but this time I really mean it: you have a problem."

Lorelai stopped making out with the dashboard long enough to wail, "I know! I can't stop kissing things!"

"Well, try harder!"

"I'm trying. It's like my brain isn't listening to me or something. I think I have OCD."

"Lorelai, you don't suddenly get OCD."

"Well, then, I don't know," Lorelai said, and then leaned over and kissed Alex.

It only lasted for several seconds, and was over before Alex could fully grasp the situation.

"What the hell was that?" she demanded.

Lorelai stared at her, her fingers at her lips. "I think I really do have a problem," she said.

*

It's a curse.

It's always a curse. Alex doesn't know why she didn't figure it out sooner.

"So it'll wear off in 24 hours?" Lorelai asks. She is chewing gum now; they've discovered that as long as she has something in her mouth, she will be less tempted press something against her mouth.

"Daddy thinks so." Daddy also thought it was hilarious until the thought of Lorelai making out with strange men crossed his mind, at which point he gave Alex strict orders not to let that happen.

Lorelai considers this. It has been ten hours since they set foot into that cursed Cineplex, which means there are still another fourteen hours of keeping an eye on Lorelai and keeping things away from her mouth.

"What are we going to do until the curse is lifted?" Lorelai asks.

"I was thinking I could tie you to a chair."

"Alex! That's false imprisonment."

"Well, you can't stop kissing things. I'm doing it for your own good."

"Ugh, fair enough. You know what?"

"No. And I don't want to."

"I don't think this gum is working. I'm feeling the urge to make out with this pillow over here."

They are in a fleabag motel off the side of I-88 and Alex is almost certain that her sister will probably get gonorrhea if she so much as touches anything in their room with her lips.

"Fight it," Alex tells her. "I'm going to get the rope."

"I can't!" Lorelai bleats. "I'm weak! My brain is more powerful than my will! And my lips are more powerful than both of them together!"

"Oh, for god's sake," Alex says.

"I have to kiss you," Lorelai announces. Then, "I'm going to kiss you."

"Lorelai," Alex says warningly, but Lorelai is getting up already, and then Alex is running. Sort of. Maybe not running, but she's trying to get away from Lorelai. And then she isn't, or she just doesn't do a very good job of it, because Lorelai catches up to her and knocks her to the ground and kisses her.

It's the kind of kiss that leaves Alex light-headed and panicked at the thought of it ending and never getting kissed like that ever again.

Except of course she is going to get kissed like that again.

They have fourteen fucking hours.