Fishkeeper 'Verse (http://wizened-cynic.livejournal.com/277273.html#cutid1). It just worked out that way, okay?
*
Alex was picking snails out of the fish tank when someone knocked on the door. "I'll get it," Lorelai said, then hopped over a chair, crawled under the ironing board, and kicked her futon aside to open the door.
The man introduced himself as Jesus Christ Esposito.
"You're Jesus?" Lorelai asked, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the guy in question was seven feet tall, had a long, curved scar on his right cheek, and proudly displayed at least half a dozen prison tattoos on his forearms. "Awesome. Next time someone asks, I'm going to tell them I've already found you, thank you very much."
Jesus Christ Esposito remained poised. Alex contemplated whether to dial 911. Then she noticed the flowers he was holding and decided that she probably should dial 911. She wondered if she could discreetly unjam the window to the fire escape and make the call outside, since Lorelai's building managed to have the shittiest cellphone reception in all of Manhattan.
"These are for you," Jesus finally said, handing Lorelai the bouquet of slightly wilted daisies. "I just moved in next door. Thought I'd make myself known 'round these parts, you know what I mean?"
Lorelai brightened at the sight of the flowers. "Ooooh, thank you! I don't have anything for you though. I feel like I should give you a tuna casserole or something, since you just moved in, and that's what people do, right? They bring casserole? Although I never understood why it had to be a casserole. I don't even own a casserole dish, and, like, why tuna? Who likes tuna? Are there people who like tuna? Because I don't think tuna really sends a friendly, welcome-to-the-neighborhood kind of message, do you? In fact, I think tuna sends the exact opposite message, like, 'Here's a plate of something disgusting that smells a lot like cat food, this is how much we want you here living next door to us.' Do you like tuna?"
"No," replied Jesus Christ Esposito, looking uncomfortable. "I have some more boxes to unpack." He paused. "Now, sweetheart, if someone comes around asking, you be sure to tell him I told you I moved in, all right?"
He nodded to Alex and went back back into his apartment. Lorelai closed the door, still delighted by the flowers that the recently paroled convict had brought over.
"How can you be sure that he's an ex-con?" Lorelai asked, arranging the daisies in a skull-shaped bong that the previous tenant had left behind. "You shouldn't judge a person by his tattoos. Plus his name is Jesus Christ. "
"Lorelai, it says right here on this website that the Messiah was recently paroled after spending nine years in Attica for," Alex lowered her voice into a whisper for the last part, "raping an fourteen-year-old boy. You have to move!"
"Oh. Wow." Lorelai studied the screen intently, and then said, "That is not a good picture of him."
"Did you catch the part where I mentioned how you have got to move?"
"I think you're overreacting a little, Alex. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a 14-year-old boy. So I think I'm safe. Also in case you haven't noticed, I can't afford to live anywhere else except maybe on the street. I wouldn't do well on the street. It's cold and there's no cable."
"You know who doesn't live next door to an ex-con?" Alex asked.
"President Obama," Lorelai answered.
"Me."
"You're President Obama? Wow, President Obama and Jesus Christ all in one day! I should buy the lottery or something."
"There is room in my apartment," Alex said, and then, because she didn't want to sound too desperate, "But not a lot of room."
"You'd make a great real estate agent."
"Enough room for one other person. And maybe even the other person's extensive and mediocre DVD collection."
"Alex." Lorelai was trying to keep a straight face but Alex could see the laughter in her eyes. Alex felt like an idiot, which she was getting used to. With Lorelai, she almost always felt simultaneously idiotic yet morally superior. "Are you asking me to move in with you?"
"I wouldn't want you to get BTK-ed by Jesus Christ," Alex said.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-03-10 12:11 pm (UTC)*
Alex was picking snails out of the fish tank when someone knocked on the door. "I'll get it," Lorelai said, then hopped over a chair, crawled under the ironing board, and kicked her futon aside to open the door.
The man introduced himself as Jesus Christ Esposito.
"You're Jesus?" Lorelai asked, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the guy in question was seven feet tall, had a long, curved scar on his right cheek, and proudly displayed at least half a dozen prison tattoos on his forearms. "Awesome. Next time someone asks, I'm going to tell them I've already found you, thank you very much."
Jesus Christ Esposito remained poised. Alex contemplated whether to dial 911. Then she noticed the flowers he was holding and decided that she probably should dial 911. She wondered if she could discreetly unjam the window to the fire escape and make the call outside, since Lorelai's building managed to have the shittiest cellphone reception in all of Manhattan.
"These are for you," Jesus finally said, handing Lorelai the bouquet of slightly wilted daisies. "I just moved in next door. Thought I'd make myself known 'round these parts, you know what I mean?"
Lorelai brightened at the sight of the flowers. "Ooooh, thank you! I don't have anything for you though. I feel like I should give you a tuna casserole or something, since you just moved in, and that's what people do, right? They bring casserole? Although I never understood why it had to be a casserole. I don't even own a casserole dish, and, like, why tuna? Who likes tuna? Are there people who like tuna? Because I don't think tuna really sends a friendly, welcome-to-the-neighborhood kind of message, do you? In fact, I think tuna sends the exact opposite message, like, 'Here's a plate of something disgusting that smells a lot like cat food, this is how much we want you here living next door to us.' Do you like tuna?"
"No," replied Jesus Christ Esposito, looking uncomfortable. "I have some more boxes to unpack." He paused. "Now, sweetheart, if someone comes around asking, you be sure to tell him I told you I moved in, all right?"
He nodded to Alex and went back back into his apartment. Lorelai closed the door, still delighted by the flowers that the recently paroled convict had brought over.
"How can you be sure that he's an ex-con?" Lorelai asked, arranging the daisies in a skull-shaped bong that the previous tenant had left behind. "You shouldn't judge a person by his tattoos. Plus his name is Jesus Christ. "
"Lorelai, it says right here on this website that the Messiah was recently paroled after spending nine years in Attica for," Alex lowered her voice into a whisper for the last part, "raping an fourteen-year-old boy. You have to move!"
"Oh. Wow." Lorelai studied the screen intently, and then said, "That is not a good picture of him."
"Did you catch the part where I mentioned how you have got to move?"
"I think you're overreacting a little, Alex. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a 14-year-old boy. So I think I'm safe. Also in case you haven't noticed, I can't afford to live anywhere else except maybe on the street. I wouldn't do well on the street. It's cold and there's no cable."
"You know who doesn't live next door to an ex-con?" Alex asked.
"President Obama," Lorelai answered.
"Me."
"You're President Obama? Wow, President Obama and Jesus Christ all in one day! I should buy the lottery or something."
"There is room in my apartment," Alex said, and then, because she didn't want to sound too desperate, "But not a lot of room."
"You'd make a great real estate agent."
"Enough room for one other person. And maybe even the other person's extensive and mediocre DVD collection."
"Alex." Lorelai was trying to keep a straight face but Alex could see the laughter in her eyes. Alex felt like an idiot, which she was getting used to. With Lorelai, she almost always felt simultaneously idiotic yet morally superior. "Are you asking me to move in with you?"
"I wouldn't want you to get BTK-ed by Jesus Christ," Alex said.
"Amen," Lorelai said, and moved in to kiss her.