we all need to get into the holiday --- sonofabitch

[wizened_cynic]

This started as a random thought that passed through my mind on the way home and turned into a list of suggestions for Mattel (with many suggestions by thrace_):

Funeral Home Barbie
Taxidermist Barbie
Russian Mail Order Bride Barbie
Sold into Sexual Slavery Barbie
Failed Boob Job Barbie
Single Teen Mom Barbie
Kidney Thief Barbie
Post Partum Depression Barbie
Overlooked for Promotion Because She's Ugly Barbie
Fired For Not Giving Her Boss a Blowjob Barbie
Pretending to be Bisexual for Attention from Boys Barbie
Lesbian Trucker Barbie
Closeted TV Actress Who Swims With Dolphins Barbie
HIV Positive Barbie
Living with Hepatitis B Barbie

And just so Ken doesn't feel left out:

Date Rape Ken
Diaper Fetishist Ken
Prison Bitch Ken
Erectile Dysfunction Ken
Pedophile Clergy Ken


Plz to give me AU prompts?

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/thrace_/]

Alex gets a call from the troop leader on the first day. The first day. "Please come pick up your...girls," says Wanda the troop leader.

"Is there a problem?" asks Alex, cradling the phone between her head and shoulder so she can use her hands to keep making meatballs for dinner. It's the only thing all the kids agree on so she makes meatballs by the dozen. The freezer is full of them just in case. She longs for a perfectly medium rare steak and a rich pinot noir. Chad drank the only bottle of wine she'd managed to hide in the house.

"I'm afraid your girls are being disruptive. You'll have to come get them."

"Disruptive how?" asks Alex.

"They are terrorizing the other girls," says Wanda, half indignant and half fearful.

Alex sighs. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

*

At the rec center where Girl Scout troop #889 meets, Alex finds Shelby and Parker sitting by themselves in the waiting area, scowling at Wanda. "Girls," says Alex, and they turn their scowls on her, which might have affected her in the beginning, but only brings a sigh to her lips now. "What happened?"

"Miss Cabot," says Wanda, "I know they've had a hard time with Trevor's passing, but their behavior is unacceptable."

Alex raises an eyebrow at the girls to prompt a confession.

"Brownies are lame," says Shelby. "I thought we would learn about knots and how to make fires. Han gets learn about knots and fires."

Parker folds her arms. "I said we should tie each other up to practice our knots and time our escapes."

"I caught them tying Jenny Forrester to a chair," says Wanda. "And Shelby threatening to burn her at the stake if she didn't sit still."

"I wasn't going to," Shelby mutters. "I was just going to gag her."

Alex immediately holds out her hand and Shelby hands over the filthy handkerchief she was going to use for the job. Alex thinks maybe she'll throw it away instead of washing it, and she'll tell Shelby it got lost with a sock or something. It's probably the same handkerchief she stuffed in Chad's mouth when he passed out drunk during Thanksgiving; he nearly suffocated on it.

"I could've gotten out of that chair in under thirty seconds," says Parker.

Alex wiggles the fingers of her outstretched hand; Parker reluctantly gives up a little Swiss Army knife that was tucked up her sleeve.

"Oh my god," says Wanda. "She had a knife?"

"Usually she has more than one," says Alex, wondering if she missed it during her morning pat down.

Wanda wrings her hands. "I'm sorry, Miss Cabot, but Parker and Shelby...they can't come back to Brownies. This is not behavior the Girl Scouts of America can tolerate."

"I understand," says Alex, secretly relieved, because that's one less activity she has to pencil into her calendar.

"Tell Jenny I left her an apology at her table," says Shelby, hopping up from her chair.

Wanda seems to soften. "All right, dear."

Except now they can all hear a shrill scream coming from the inside of the rec center and when they peek in after Wanda rushes to find out what's going on, they can see Jenny's craft project--a stuffed teddy bear--has been neatly slit open with a Y-incision, the skin flaps pulled back and pinned down, and the innards doused with red paint.

"I saw it on the Discovery channel," says Shelby preemptively.

"We should probably leave now," says Parker.

"Why?" asks Alex.

Parker checks her digital watch, a watch Alex certainly doesn't remember buying for her. She can only hope Parker swapped for it at school. "I left a gift for Jenny too," she says.

On cue, Jenny's glue gun bursts into flames.

[artemis-rain.livejournal.com]

Damn it! Now I wish those were real so I could put each and every one of them on my Christmas list!

Nothing says "Happy Holidays" like Diaper Fetishist Ken!

Now, thanks to you, nothing I get this year or for the rest of my life is ever going to measure up to Kidney Thief Barbie.

Get on it, Mattel!

[omiceti.livejournal.com]

! These Barbies sound like way more fun than the ones my creepy great-aunt-in-law used to send me for my birthday! (Mine were Life Partner Barbies.)

Also, you should write an AU in which Alex is a lesbian trucker.

[alcrackfest.livejournal.com]

'Closeted TV Actress Who Swims With Dolphins Barbie'

But let me ask you, does she cry UN-PRETTILY?

[saviesa.livejournal.com]

For some unknown reason I never had a Ken, so all my barbies were lesbians by default.