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wizened_cynicWhee! Happy birthday to me!!!!!!!
Okay, that was lame. I don't even celebrate my birthday. In fact, I've given my mother and brother strict orders to tell anyone who calls me tonight that I'm out having dinner with friends or some stupid shit like that. My Hong Kong people are well-meaning, and I love them as much as I am capable of, but a girl just wants to be left in peace to watch House and SVU, you know?
Anyway, I'm 21. It's pretty much downhill from here.
It's also![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
deuce81's birthday, and I wrote her birthday fic as a present, and it's also a present to myself, because I'm lame like that.
Kidfic. Sequel to designs on you, a.k.a. the one about Lorelai's birthday party during which she kissed a girl for the very first time. This time, it's Alex's turn to have a birthday.
Some inappropriate pubescent-age kissing. You are warned.
Infinity Plus One
Lorelai Gilmore is the first guest to arrive at Alex's birthday party.
Alex is not surprised.
However, she is surprised that Lorelai showed up three hours early.
"What are you doing here?" Alex asks, sliding her feet off the coffee table as the butler leads Lorelai into the study, where she's been spending her morning reading.
"Thank you, Julio," Lorelai says, ignoring Alex completely and doing a curtsy instead. Julio winks and kisses Lorelai on the hand before leaving the room.
"What are you doing here?" Alex asks louder.
This time, Lorelai turns to her and rolls her eyes. "It's your birthday, stupid."
"The party doesn't start for another three hours."
"Really? I thought the invitation said two-thirty."
"The invitation said five-thirty."
"You have terrible handwriting then."
"I --" Alex slams her book shut and sets it beside her on the sofa. "Those invitations were written by a professional calligrapher!"
"Well, then you need a better one."
Is it rude to un-invite somebody to your birthday party after she's already arrived?
Before Alex can figure out an answer to that question, Nanny enters, carrying a tray of cupcakes and a pitcher of lemonade. "Miss Alexandra, I see you have a guest."
"She's not my guest," Alex says.
"Yes, I am," Lorelai says.
"Guests do not show up three hours before they are expected to," Alex says. "It's considered rude."
"You know what's considered rude? Kicking out your guests when they came from far, far away to wish you happy birthday. Now that's terribly rude." Lorelai begins making eyes at the cupcakes. "Imagine what would've happened if Mary and Joseph had said to the three wisemen, or the shepherds, or the little drummer boy, 'We changed our mind. Go home.'"
Nanny lets out a noise that sounds like she's trying hard not to laugh. Alex glares at her. "Miss Lorelai," Nanny says, "I wouldn't compare Miss Alexandra to the Christ child if I were you. Her head's big enough as it is."
"Nanny!" Alex shouts, but before she can say anything else, Nanny crushes her into a hug and kisses the top of her head.
"Just be nice to your friend, all right, dear?"
"She's not my friend."
Lorelai already has her mouth stuffed with cupcake and can't say much more than "Mmmmvrr." Alex watches her chew and swallow from where she is nestled in Nanny's arms. She scowls as Lorelai says, "Those are good. Can I have another one?"
"You may have one more, Miss Lorelai," Nanny says, shushing Alex as she emits a whine of protest. "The rest are for the party. Which you will attend, am I right, Miss Alexandra?"
"I hate you both," says Alex, but Nanny just laughs and leaves her alone with Lorelai, who's spilling chocolate crumbs all over her dress. There's even a dab of pink icing on her nose.
Alex makes a face and takes a cupcake for herself, carefully nibbling around its circumference.
"So," Lorelai says, as Alex has finished going around the circle and is about to take a big bite, "when are you going to kiss me again?"
*
"You kissed me," Alex says. They're in her bathroom, and she's changed into a different shirt. The one she was wearing has become a victim of a falling cupcake. Frosting plus gravity plus clean white shirt plus stupid Lorelai Gilmore equals one ruined shirt.
Alex is doing her best to scrub the stains off, and Lorelai isn't helping by saying stuff like, "It's a goner, Alex. Chocolate never comes off."
"Why do you always play the blame game?" Lorelai asks, much too entertained by Alex's efforts at doing laundry. "You kissed me back."
"You kissed me first," Alex clarifies. She gives up on the shirt altogether and shoves it into the hamper. Nanny will take care of it.
She looks at Lorelai, whose eyes, she swears, are laughing at her. "I only kissed you back in retaliation."
"Whatever. You kissed me."
"No, I didn't."
"You just said you did."
Alex decides it is best to ignore Lorelai and stomps out of the bathroom. She flops down onto her bed and groans when Lorelai does the same. Alex closes her eyes and counts to ten and expects to see nothing but invisible thin air when she opens them.
No such luck. Lorelai is still there, with her stupid curls and stupid eyes and big stupid grin, and she's saying through a fit of giggles, "You liked it, Alex. Admit it."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes. you did."
"No, I didn't to infinity."
"Yes, you did to infinity plus one."
"That's still infinity!" Alex points out triumphantly.
Lorelai shrugs, unaffected by defeat. It's disappointing. "Well, I liked it." She rolls over from her back onto her belly and grins at Alex. "You want to do it again?"
"No," says Alex. "No, no, no, no, no, no."
*
"If it makes you feel any better," Lorelai begins. They are in the playroom now, because Lorelai won't stop touching everything in Alex's bedroom, and some of Alex's belongings are antique and would lose a lot of value if Lorelai's grubby fingers got ahold of them. Alex hasn't used the playroom since she turned nine. She stopped playing with toys because toys are for children and people who are too lazy or ignorant or illiterate to read.
So Alex doesn't really care if Lorelai gets her grubby hands all over her toys.
Unless Lorelai wrecks her chess set, because the pieces are made out of ivory, and Alex's father had brought that for her back from Morocco. If Lorelai even goes near it, Alex reserves the right to stop her, using violence when necessary.
"It won't make me feel any better," Alex tells her.
Lorelai stops poking through the selection of board games. "You haven't even heard what I was going to say!"
"Whatever it is, I don't care."
"If it makes you feel any better," Lorelai says again, tapping her finger against the box marked Monopoly, "it wasn't you. Because you're a terrible kisser. I think I just like kissing in general. So don't think too highly of yourself."
Alex stifles the urge to respond. Instead, she says, "Fine."
That throws Lorelai for a minute. "So you really don't want to do it again? Because I'm really good, and you could use the practice."
Would it be rude to bash in the skull of your guest with a box that says "made by Parker Brothers"? Alex would tell her mother that Lorelai was a very obnoxious guest. Surely her mother would understand.
"I'm not going to talk to you anymore, Lorelai Gilmore," Alex says. "I'm just going to ignore you and what you have to say, and if you tell anyone what happened at your birthday party, I am going to deny it and everybody would believe me, because I'm me, and nobody would believe you, because you're insane and a liar."
"Do you have cards?"
"Did you hear what I just said?"
"I heard you fine. Do you have cards? All your games suck."
"My games don't suck."
"Yes, they do."
"You're very irritating."
"Thank you. Do you have cards? We could play strip poker."
Alex is not going to lie. No, Alex is going to lie, of course, to everybody else anyway. But to herself, if she allows herself a tiny grain of truth, she will admit that she did not mind whatever happened in Lorelai's bedroom as much as she's been pretending to. It was strange, and it was uncalled for, and never had Alex imagined her first kiss to be with a girl --- with the most annoying girl in the history of the planet or maybe even the universe --- but it was also (kind of) nice.
Well, interesting.
However, strip poker is not interesting.
Strip poker is inappropriate and crass, and even though Alex is an excellent bluffer, you can't play poker with two people.
She is not going to play strip poker with Lorelai Gilmore, not even if she did enjoy for one tiny second when their lips touched. (And this is not even taking into consideration what happened in the hallway as Alex was about to leave the Gilmore mansion, which doesn't officially count, because it was revenge, and one is allowed to enjoy revenge, especially served cold.)
"I don't have cards," is all Alex tells her. "I'm not getting you a deck of cards."
"All right, then, let's play strip Monopoly." Lorelai scrunches up her face and shakes her head. "That takes too long. Oh, strip Operation."
"I'm not playing strip anything with you, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore," Alex says, "and if you even touch me, I'm going to scream."
But the box is already open and Lorelai is taking out the parts. "Do the batteries still work?"
*
This is officially the worst birthday of Alex's entire life.
Which, granted, is not exactly very long, but if she'd known turning twelve would be this humiliating, she would've gladly stayed eleven forever.
"You've killed about seven patients already, Alex." Lorelai sighs, her head in her hands. "You're like the Angel of Death."
Lorelai is fully clothed.
Alex is one dead patient away from being in her underwear.
Alex hurls the tweezers across the room as the buzzer sounds again. "I hate this game." She will not yell. She will not yell. "This is not a game! This is barbaric torture!"
"Yeah, to your patient," Lorelai says. She retrieves the tweezers and promptly begins removing the funny bone from Cavity Sam. Instinctively Alex holds her breath, even though she thinks she should be blowing hard or jumping up and down or doing something, anything, to make Lorelai's hands shake and miss.
Without wavering once, Lorelai removes all the pieces from the board, and then, inexplicably, her socks. "Trying to make you feel better," she explains when she catches Alex looking at her strangely. "Your turn."
"I hate this game."
Five minutes later, she's wriggling out of her jeans as Lorelai lolls about on the floor, alternating between laughing her head off and hog-whistling at Alex.
"Shut up," Alex mutters, simmering with a combination of exasperation and fury. If simmering means shivering. It's beginning to get a little drafty, and she's in her bra and panties, which means she will catch a cold for sure and it will turn into pneumonia and she will die, and it will be Lorelai Gilmore's fault.
Lorelai sits up and stares at her for too long, and Alex feels like an idiot for wearing a training bra, because she has nothing to train. It's the bane of her existence, as of right now.
Alex turns away, pulling her sweater over her lap. "Hey, rules are rules," Lorelai tells her. "Don't be a sore loser."
"I'm not," Alex says. "And I haven't lost yet. In case you haven't noticed, I still have items of clothing on."
"Not for long. Pretty soon you'll be in your birthday suit. Get it? It's your birthday, and you'll be in your birthday suit . . . " Lorelai's voice trails off as Alex wills her to accidentally choke on a cupcake and die. "Never mind. It's only funny to me. Because I'm not the one who's naked."
"I'm not naked!"
"You might as well be."
"It's your turn."
Alex shoves the tweezers toward Lorelai and watches as Lorelai meticulously picks up the broken heart and removes it from Cavity Sam's body, never once touching the edge of the hole.
Then comes the Adam's apple and the wish bone and the wrenched ankle, and just as Lorelai is about to finish extracting the last piece, Alex leans over and kisses her.
Lorelai tastes like the Diet Coke she was drinking earlier and Alex leaves her lips on Lorelai's for too long, but it's worth it because the buzzer is sounding and Cavity Sam's nose is lit up, bright red like Rudolph's.
"Okay," Lorelai says, after what seems like infinity plus one minutes of staring at each other in silence, "that was low."
Alex tries to hold her pleasure in, but the corners of her mouth are already turning upwards. "You never said anything about not cheating."
"I get it." Lorelai smiles. "You want to play dirty."
*
They're both in their underwear when Nanny knocks on the door twenty minutes later, telling them to get ready for the party.
"You know," Lorelai says, "we're not very good doctors."
Alex shrugs and pulls her shirt over her head.
She's always wanted to be a lawyer anyway.
It's alsorandomscratches's birthday (the fact that we have the same birthday proves that all those horoscope-things are bullshit, because we cannot be more different) (she's Slutty's ex) today, so happy birthday to her too! And tomorrow is eolan's birthday! There must've been something in the water.
Okay, that was lame. I don't even celebrate my birthday. In fact, I've given my mother and brother strict orders to tell anyone who calls me tonight that I'm out having dinner with friends or some stupid shit like that. My Hong Kong people are well-meaning, and I love them as much as I am capable of, but a girl just wants to be left in peace to watch House and SVU, you know?
Anyway, I'm 21. It's pretty much downhill from here.
It's also
deuce81's birthday, and I wrote her birthday fic as a present, and it's also a present to myself, because I'm lame like that. Kidfic. Sequel to designs on you, a.k.a. the one about Lorelai's birthday party during which she kissed a girl for the very first time. This time, it's Alex's turn to have a birthday.
Some inappropriate pubescent-age kissing. You are warned.
Lorelai Gilmore is the first guest to arrive at Alex's birthday party.
Alex is not surprised.
However, she is surprised that Lorelai showed up three hours early.
"What are you doing here?" Alex asks, sliding her feet off the coffee table as the butler leads Lorelai into the study, where she's been spending her morning reading.
"Thank you, Julio," Lorelai says, ignoring Alex completely and doing a curtsy instead. Julio winks and kisses Lorelai on the hand before leaving the room.
"What are you doing here?" Alex asks louder.
This time, Lorelai turns to her and rolls her eyes. "It's your birthday, stupid."
"The party doesn't start for another three hours."
"Really? I thought the invitation said two-thirty."
"The invitation said five-thirty."
"You have terrible handwriting then."
"I --" Alex slams her book shut and sets it beside her on the sofa. "Those invitations were written by a professional calligrapher!"
"Well, then you need a better one."
Is it rude to un-invite somebody to your birthday party after she's already arrived?
Before Alex can figure out an answer to that question, Nanny enters, carrying a tray of cupcakes and a pitcher of lemonade. "Miss Alexandra, I see you have a guest."
"She's not my guest," Alex says.
"Yes, I am," Lorelai says.
"Guests do not show up three hours before they are expected to," Alex says. "It's considered rude."
"You know what's considered rude? Kicking out your guests when they came from far, far away to wish you happy birthday. Now that's terribly rude." Lorelai begins making eyes at the cupcakes. "Imagine what would've happened if Mary and Joseph had said to the three wisemen, or the shepherds, or the little drummer boy, 'We changed our mind. Go home.'"
Nanny lets out a noise that sounds like she's trying hard not to laugh. Alex glares at her. "Miss Lorelai," Nanny says, "I wouldn't compare Miss Alexandra to the Christ child if I were you. Her head's big enough as it is."
"Nanny!" Alex shouts, but before she can say anything else, Nanny crushes her into a hug and kisses the top of her head.
"Just be nice to your friend, all right, dear?"
"She's not my friend."
Lorelai already has her mouth stuffed with cupcake and can't say much more than "Mmmmvrr." Alex watches her chew and swallow from where she is nestled in Nanny's arms. She scowls as Lorelai says, "Those are good. Can I have another one?"
"You may have one more, Miss Lorelai," Nanny says, shushing Alex as she emits a whine of protest. "The rest are for the party. Which you will attend, am I right, Miss Alexandra?"
"I hate you both," says Alex, but Nanny just laughs and leaves her alone with Lorelai, who's spilling chocolate crumbs all over her dress. There's even a dab of pink icing on her nose.
Alex makes a face and takes a cupcake for herself, carefully nibbling around its circumference.
"So," Lorelai says, as Alex has finished going around the circle and is about to take a big bite, "when are you going to kiss me again?"
*
"You kissed me," Alex says. They're in her bathroom, and she's changed into a different shirt. The one she was wearing has become a victim of a falling cupcake. Frosting plus gravity plus clean white shirt plus stupid Lorelai Gilmore equals one ruined shirt.
Alex is doing her best to scrub the stains off, and Lorelai isn't helping by saying stuff like, "It's a goner, Alex. Chocolate never comes off."
"Why do you always play the blame game?" Lorelai asks, much too entertained by Alex's efforts at doing laundry. "You kissed me back."
"You kissed me first," Alex clarifies. She gives up on the shirt altogether and shoves it into the hamper. Nanny will take care of it.
She looks at Lorelai, whose eyes, she swears, are laughing at her. "I only kissed you back in retaliation."
"Whatever. You kissed me."
"No, I didn't."
"You just said you did."
Alex decides it is best to ignore Lorelai and stomps out of the bathroom. She flops down onto her bed and groans when Lorelai does the same. Alex closes her eyes and counts to ten and expects to see nothing but invisible thin air when she opens them.
No such luck. Lorelai is still there, with her stupid curls and stupid eyes and big stupid grin, and she's saying through a fit of giggles, "You liked it, Alex. Admit it."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes. you did."
"No, I didn't to infinity."
"Yes, you did to infinity plus one."
"That's still infinity!" Alex points out triumphantly.
Lorelai shrugs, unaffected by defeat. It's disappointing. "Well, I liked it." She rolls over from her back onto her belly and grins at Alex. "You want to do it again?"
"No," says Alex. "No, no, no, no, no, no."
*
"If it makes you feel any better," Lorelai begins. They are in the playroom now, because Lorelai won't stop touching everything in Alex's bedroom, and some of Alex's belongings are antique and would lose a lot of value if Lorelai's grubby fingers got ahold of them. Alex hasn't used the playroom since she turned nine. She stopped playing with toys because toys are for children and people who are too lazy or ignorant or illiterate to read.
So Alex doesn't really care if Lorelai gets her grubby hands all over her toys.
Unless Lorelai wrecks her chess set, because the pieces are made out of ivory, and Alex's father had brought that for her back from Morocco. If Lorelai even goes near it, Alex reserves the right to stop her, using violence when necessary.
"It won't make me feel any better," Alex tells her.
Lorelai stops poking through the selection of board games. "You haven't even heard what I was going to say!"
"Whatever it is, I don't care."
"If it makes you feel any better," Lorelai says again, tapping her finger against the box marked Monopoly, "it wasn't you. Because you're a terrible kisser. I think I just like kissing in general. So don't think too highly of yourself."
Alex stifles the urge to respond. Instead, she says, "Fine."
That throws Lorelai for a minute. "So you really don't want to do it again? Because I'm really good, and you could use the practice."
Would it be rude to bash in the skull of your guest with a box that says "made by Parker Brothers"? Alex would tell her mother that Lorelai was a very obnoxious guest. Surely her mother would understand.
"I'm not going to talk to you anymore, Lorelai Gilmore," Alex says. "I'm just going to ignore you and what you have to say, and if you tell anyone what happened at your birthday party, I am going to deny it and everybody would believe me, because I'm me, and nobody would believe you, because you're insane and a liar."
"Do you have cards?"
"Did you hear what I just said?"
"I heard you fine. Do you have cards? All your games suck."
"My games don't suck."
"Yes, they do."
"You're very irritating."
"Thank you. Do you have cards? We could play strip poker."
Alex is not going to lie. No, Alex is going to lie, of course, to everybody else anyway. But to herself, if she allows herself a tiny grain of truth, she will admit that she did not mind whatever happened in Lorelai's bedroom as much as she's been pretending to. It was strange, and it was uncalled for, and never had Alex imagined her first kiss to be with a girl --- with the most annoying girl in the history of the planet or maybe even the universe --- but it was also (kind of) nice.
Well, interesting.
However, strip poker is not interesting.
Strip poker is inappropriate and crass, and even though Alex is an excellent bluffer, you can't play poker with two people.
She is not going to play strip poker with Lorelai Gilmore, not even if she did enjoy for one tiny second when their lips touched. (And this is not even taking into consideration what happened in the hallway as Alex was about to leave the Gilmore mansion, which doesn't officially count, because it was revenge, and one is allowed to enjoy revenge, especially served cold.)
"I don't have cards," is all Alex tells her. "I'm not getting you a deck of cards."
"All right, then, let's play strip Monopoly." Lorelai scrunches up her face and shakes her head. "That takes too long. Oh, strip Operation."
"I'm not playing strip anything with you, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore," Alex says, "and if you even touch me, I'm going to scream."
But the box is already open and Lorelai is taking out the parts. "Do the batteries still work?"
*
This is officially the worst birthday of Alex's entire life.
Which, granted, is not exactly very long, but if she'd known turning twelve would be this humiliating, she would've gladly stayed eleven forever.
"You've killed about seven patients already, Alex." Lorelai sighs, her head in her hands. "You're like the Angel of Death."
Lorelai is fully clothed.
Alex is one dead patient away from being in her underwear.
Alex hurls the tweezers across the room as the buzzer sounds again. "I hate this game." She will not yell. She will not yell. "This is not a game! This is barbaric torture!"
"Yeah, to your patient," Lorelai says. She retrieves the tweezers and promptly begins removing the funny bone from Cavity Sam. Instinctively Alex holds her breath, even though she thinks she should be blowing hard or jumping up and down or doing something, anything, to make Lorelai's hands shake and miss.
Without wavering once, Lorelai removes all the pieces from the board, and then, inexplicably, her socks. "Trying to make you feel better," she explains when she catches Alex looking at her strangely. "Your turn."
"I hate this game."
Five minutes later, she's wriggling out of her jeans as Lorelai lolls about on the floor, alternating between laughing her head off and hog-whistling at Alex.
"Shut up," Alex mutters, simmering with a combination of exasperation and fury. If simmering means shivering. It's beginning to get a little drafty, and she's in her bra and panties, which means she will catch a cold for sure and it will turn into pneumonia and she will die, and it will be Lorelai Gilmore's fault.
Lorelai sits up and stares at her for too long, and Alex feels like an idiot for wearing a training bra, because she has nothing to train. It's the bane of her existence, as of right now.
Alex turns away, pulling her sweater over her lap. "Hey, rules are rules," Lorelai tells her. "Don't be a sore loser."
"I'm not," Alex says. "And I haven't lost yet. In case you haven't noticed, I still have items of clothing on."
"Not for long. Pretty soon you'll be in your birthday suit. Get it? It's your birthday, and you'll be in your birthday suit . . . " Lorelai's voice trails off as Alex wills her to accidentally choke on a cupcake and die. "Never mind. It's only funny to me. Because I'm not the one who's naked."
"I'm not naked!"
"You might as well be."
"It's your turn."
Alex shoves the tweezers toward Lorelai and watches as Lorelai meticulously picks up the broken heart and removes it from Cavity Sam's body, never once touching the edge of the hole.
Then comes the Adam's apple and the wish bone and the wrenched ankle, and just as Lorelai is about to finish extracting the last piece, Alex leans over and kisses her.
Lorelai tastes like the Diet Coke she was drinking earlier and Alex leaves her lips on Lorelai's for too long, but it's worth it because the buzzer is sounding and Cavity Sam's nose is lit up, bright red like Rudolph's.
"Okay," Lorelai says, after what seems like infinity plus one minutes of staring at each other in silence, "that was low."
Alex tries to hold her pleasure in, but the corners of her mouth are already turning upwards. "You never said anything about not cheating."
"I get it." Lorelai smiles. "You want to play dirty."
*
They're both in their underwear when Nanny knocks on the door twenty minutes later, telling them to get ready for the party.
"You know," Lorelai says, "we're not very good doctors."
Alex shrugs and pulls her shirt over her head.
She's always wanted to be a lawyer anyway.
It's also
randomscratches's birthday (the fact that we have the same birthday proves that all those horoscope-things are bullshit, because we cannot be more different) (she's Slutty's ex) today, so happy birthday to her too! And tomorrow is eolan's birthday! There must've been something in the water.
