wizened_cynic | the law does not allow for posthumous jurisprudence. or lesbian wagon sex.

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the law does not allow for posthumous jurisprudence. or lesbian wagon sex.

There, I wrote it. It had to be done, and apparently, today was the day for it. I'm telling you right now that there is, unfortunately, no lesbian wagon sex, so don't even ask.

OREGON TRAIL AU ZOMG

Somehow the truth slipped out and it became known that Lorelai Gilmore's husband did not die of rheumatic fever as she'd claimed. In fact, Lorelai Gilmore did not have a husband at all; her daughter was borne out of wedlock and she had been shunned by her family. Now she was traveling west with her little daughter, the two of them alone in their little ramshackle wagon.

"You stay away from her, Alexandra," Pa ordered when he learned of this. "Stay away from that woman and her daughter, do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," Alex replied, without thinking, but when Rory Gilmore came to her the next morning and asked to look at her books, Alex let her. The child touched the leather spines reverently, her eyes wide with awe. "Would you like to borrow one?" Alex asked in spite of herself.

Rory looked as if she could not believe her luck. "Could I?"

Alex took The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew from her trunk and pressed it into the hands of the tiny girl. "You may take as long as you want."

"Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you," Rory said, her delight almost palpable. She hugged the book to her chest and hopped down from the wagon, running to show her mother, Alex supposed.

Rory returned two days later with the book. Alex was startled; even her best student in Independence had taken a week to finish it.

"I was wondering, Miss Cabot," Rory said shyly, weaving a strand of hay between her fingers, "whether you could perhaps lend me another?"

Alex could feel Pa's disapproving gaze on her from where he stood in the distance, talking to the other pioneers about livestock and weather conditions and the homestead they were promised hundreds of miles away.

Still, the child had a gift, and it would be a shame to let it go to waste. "Of course," Alex said. "Have you read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland?"

A few days later she was washing Pa's shirts when she saw the book lying against a rock on the riverbank. She wiped her hands on her pinafore and reached for it, and a voice behind her called, "Excuse me, that's my book."

Alex turned around sharply, only to face Lorelai Gilmore. Based on what she'd heard from the others, Alex expected Lorelai to exotic and dangerous and desperately beautiful, but the woman standing before her was not too different from Alex herself. She was pretty, with strong fine features and pouty red lips, but her hair was wild and her skin was brown and when she smiled there were lines at the corners of her eyes.

"So it's you," Lorelai said. "The amazing Miss Cabot. From what Rory told me, I would've expected you to be able to walk on water."

Alex frowned, unable to decide whether she should be insulted.

"Thank you," Lorelai continued. "I know you've heard rumors and I've seen how your father looks at me and Rory."

"Well," was the best response Alex could come up with. She thought for a moment and then cleared her throat. "Rory is a very good reader."

Lorelai's smile widened at the mention of her daughter. "She's brilliant," she said proudly, and if Alex weren't so inclined to agree she might have scoffed. "Which is why I appreciate that you're giving her a chance. You were a schoolteacher?"

"Yes," Alex answered. She waded back into the river to finish scrubbing Pa's shirts.

"You didn't like teaching?"

"No, I loved it." Alex paused, perplexed by the question. "Why would you think that?"

"Well, why didn't you stay in Independence? Why go on this godforsaken journey that seems to go on forever?"

"My father."

"Ah. Yes," Lorelai said.

There was something like pity in her voice, and Alex's anger flared. "Not everybody can do what you've done," Alex said pointedly, "and to be very honest, I doubt if many people want to."

Lorelai appeared to be more amused than offended, which only furthered Alex's irritation. "If you say so, Miss Cabot." The way she drew out Alex's name made Alex shiver, even though it was the middle of an August afternoon. "I'll see you later."

Lorelai picked up Alex's book and sauntered off, free, and for a moment, Alex was almost envious.

Some extra background: Alex is actually going to Oregon to marry Robert, whom she has never met. In the longer, in-my-head version of this, Lorelai makes Alex come to terms with what she has always known: men suck, let's have lesbian wagon sex.

Oh, and Arthur Branch is Pa.

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Yes... lesbian wagon sex!

Excuse me; I have to go now and scrub the clothes in the river.
Maybe push Pa in and hold his head under.

I am actually seriously considering continuing this. There might be RATTLESNAKES and COYOTES and INDIANS and prostitutes at trading posts!

And don't forget your dysentery!

And petticoats. Layers and layers of petticoats, rustling by the campfire, as Lorelai pulls Alex slowly further from the glowing light, away from where Pa snores, oblivious after a conservative day of chopping and hauling things, away into her arms, clever fingers undoing all those tiny buttons... Alex breathes raggedly, thinks this is, unbelievably, so wrong and yet, so very right.

A sudden non-petticoat rustles and the two women sit up guiltily, faces flushed.
"What IS that?" Lorelai glances furtively around, sees nothing.
Alex, despite her myopia, has better night vision.
"Let's get the hell out of here and go into the wagon. It's a damn coyote!"

the end

*applauds*

I am so very moved right now. My heart is very full.

Hey-- you actually inspired me to write something!

It's been a while.
:)

::more applause::

That's right, you! Get writing! :)

Nag, nag, nag...
;-D

Long story, but I hope to be back on track soon.
*g*

Love. (Also, The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew was one of my favorite books as a kid. Especially after being informed that sibling #4 and #5 would be forthcoming!)

I definitely think that this should not be the end of Alex Cabot meets Oregon Trail and becomes Hot Lesbian. Please.

Thanks! Wow, five siblings? Is four too many. You only need one sibling, and that sibling's sole purpose is to be your slave.

Don't encourage me! Pa Cabot doesn't want his daughter running around with that common whore!

*pout* There should totally be Lesbian Wagon-Sex!! And you should definitely continue this, this is an awesome AU!

Thanks! I'll think about it. Or at least that's what I tell people.

Wow, this is as much fun as the GG/Deadwood crossover I was planning...if not more so, because I had not factored wagon sex into the equation.

Always factor wagon sex into the equation.

I think that's my new sig line.

Awesome fic as usual cynic! You make me smile (and try to explain my smiling to my confused gf) daily. I'm jut too lazy to actually fill out the comment field to tell you.

Bwhahaha...it SO should be your sig line!

I think our gfs may need to form a support group. Of course, I am assuming yours is as baffled and bemused by the world of fanfic as mine is.

I think our gfs may need to form a support group. Of course, I am assuming yours is as baffled and bemused by the world of fanfic as mine is.

HAHAHA!! Totally! My GF just gives me the 'that's nice dear' look and smile. Then again, I can't understand her reality TV fixation, so we're pretty much even.

Reality TV is worse! IMO.

I love freaking mine out with the various levels of fandom:

"Do you know there's a slash community devoted to the Mac/PC commercial guys?"

"That's just WRONG!"

"No, it's not! You can tell PC is really in love with Mac...it's kind of unrequited and heartbreaking..."

"You people are crazy!"

The quantum theory of fanfic is a wonderful thing to scare people with. Carebears SM fic. David Hasslehoff fic. And I watched *that* Saturday Night Live Sketch and suddenly realised that there's finally a femslash politicians fandom possibility to go with all the m/m ones. And it might be even creepier than the m/m.

Wagon sex prevails in every situation. One should always account for wagon sex.

Thank you! It makes me very happy to confuse your gf on a daily basis.

GG as in Gilmore Girls or GG as in Gossip Girl? Because a Gossip Girl/Deadwood crossover might cause the end of the world with its sheer crack awesomeness. Also, PLZ TO WRITE CROSSOVER NOW?

Oh, and thanks! Glad you enjoyed!

Sorry, I meant Gilmore Girls...I had it all planned out: Lorelai sells laudanum addict Rory to Swearengen, does the Widow Ellsworth, Joanie, maybe Trixie, opens up a hat store.

Although a Gossip Girl crossover has a lot of crack potential too, I must admit. I'd have to get much more familiar with the show first. Because thus far we only watch it in 5-minute increments before exclaiming, "Oh God, what a bunch of fags!"

Good lord, you could write these two into any backdrop and only you could make it work. Your talents are obviously wasted in foriegn law school, come back to the states and make a go of it as a struggling writer who won't cow-tow to The Man.

jk. No one would appreciate you the way your adoring fans on LJ do...and that's enough of an ego boost for you today.

Yeah, I was just gonna say, I would TOTALLY kowtow to the Man ... unless he were my Conflict of Laws prof.

Thanks for the ego boost. It will remind me of my adoring LJ fans who need me during my torturous land law lecture tonight.

PLEASE WRITE LESBIAN WAGON SEX.

Someone needs to die of dysentery though. It's not the Oregon Trail until someone dies of dysentery.

ARTHUR BRANCH HAS DIED OF DYSENTERY.

I have no idea how you make any situation with them seem plausible, but I'm not complaining! This was awesome! :)

Thanks! It's not that hard, actually. It just takes a dose of EXTREME BOREDOM CAUSED MY LAW SCHOOL and ... crack. Mixed with tequila. Serve with ice and a little paper umbrella.

LOL! I wish boredom at school here would result in fic like this. XD.

The story was awesome! It felt like a first chapter, and that there should be more. I sensed somehow a subplot of Alex being sexually abused by her father.

At least she doesn't have a self-lubing ass, unlike SOME people whose names I WILL NOT MENTION. (It rhymes with "kidney".)

Oregon Trail is old skool. I mean, I have friends who talk about buying nothing but ammunition and going out and shooting a ton of buffalo meat. Literally, in the virtual world.

Ah, fic. Another AU we all enjoy.

Are you even OLD enough to have been around when playing Oregon Trail was standard at school? Or are your friends into vintage shit and that's why they are into OT?

Thanks. Nobody doesn't love Oregon Trail.

Just...just shut up.

I like Oregon Trail, okay? It's sorta like Age of Empires for me. (A of E II, because I didn't like III.)

Oh, this should definitely be continued. Alex needs a Lorelai.

It's weird how in any universe, the general consensus is that Alex needs a Lorelai. It's never the other way around. One would think Alex would be the one who's capable of surviving on her own.

I think it's to do with temperament. Of course Alex could survive without lorelai, but she'd be missing something and she wouldn't know it, a circumscribed and sad existence. Whereas Lorelai would know it, because she actively searches, but her misery tend to be intenser and more shortlived (and distractable by shiny things).

I am bookmarking this comment in case I ever feel like I have to justify why this crack OTP works.

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