wizened_cynic | I'd consider following Christ if he was on Twitter

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I'd consider following Christ if he was on Twitter

Okay, people, BEST FIC MEME EVER.

1. Pick a card on someecards.com. Any card.

2. I will write something for you based on that e-card. I pick the pairing/characters, so you may end up with Alex/Lorelai, or you may end up with Ben babysitting drunk!Stephanie, or you may end up with CHAD. Isn't that delightful? (If anything with Chad can ever be delightful.)

Okay? DO IT DO IT DO IT.

I promise to actually write for the prompts this time.

Give me something to do while I wait for Canadian SVU and Parenthood?

ALSO, PLEASE VOTE FOR LORELAI GILMORE. I love Bones, but THERE IS NO CONTEST. A VOTE FOR LORELAI IS A VOTE FOR SHINY HAIR AND AWESOME BOOBS, WHICH I JUST REALIZED ALSO APPLIES TO BONES, BUT LET'S JUST OVERLOOK THAT FOR A MOMENT AND CONCENTRATE ON VOTING FOR LORELAI. KTHXBAI.

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http://www.someecards.com/workplace-cards/lets-boost-office-morale-by-going-out-to-drink-and-complain-about-office-morale

or

http://www.someecards.com/cry-for-help-cards/i-try-to-allocate-a-significant-portion-of-my-paycheck

or

http://www.someecards.com/cry-for-help-cards/rampant-porn-use-has-left-my-computer-and-soul-in-ruins

#3 screamed Chad to me. I'm so sorry. (Also, different universe from the regular Chad + Alex/Lauren one?)

*

Alex learns the hard way never to leave Chad alone with her computer, not even for a second.

She's had her new laptop for less than ten days when popups start devouring her browser. Within a week, the entire operating system is dead and the machine lets out a tortured beep whenever she tries to turn it on.

In a way, it's kind of amazing that Chad managed to bypass the five hundred different types of security software Alex had installed and download four gigs of malware-ridden porn in the time it took for her to pay the pizza delivery boy.

"That's right, bitches!" Chad crows over the phone. "I'm a fucking mad genius when it comes to porn!"

"You're paying to get this computer fixed, fucking mad genius," Alex tells him, to which he cheerfully agrees.

"I'd love to talk longer but some motherfucker just cut in front of me and now I have to equalize him!" he shouts before the line goes dead.

The store has guaranteed to send a technician over if anything goes wrong within the first 30 days. Alex has to call Customer Service in order to arrange for that to happen, and it takes an hour and lots of pressing of random numbers before she finally hears a human voice on the other end.

"Good afternoon! My name is Lorelai, how can I help you?"

"My computer is dead."

"Did you try CPR?" When Alex doesn't laugh, Lorelai continues, "Okay, that one's not going in my routine. May I know your name and where you purchased your computer?"

Alex gives her the required information. A few clicks of the keyboard later, Lorelai says, "All righty, let's see: we have your address on file, so we can arrange for somebody to come over and take a look at your computer. Can you briefly tell me when your computer stopped working and what you were doing when it happened? I mean, you weren't looking at porn, were you?"

The ensuing pause is long and awkward.

"Well, okay," Lorelai says brightly, after a poor attempt at stifling her laughter. "Don't worry about it. You won't believe how often these things happen."

"I had a firewall," Alex says desperately. "Like, twelve of them."

"I hope it was good porn at least. I like the ones with an actual storyline, and once, I saw this one where they were filming on location at an actual hotel or something, and the room had these curtains I would die for."

"I'm sorry," Alex says incredulously, "are you talking to me about porn?"

"It's entirely job-related," Lorelai says. "All right, ma'am, our technician will arrive tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. Thank you, and please call back if you have any other questions or concerns."

When Alex answers the door the following morning, there is a mousy-looking man wearing a baseball cap with the company's logo, and standing next to him is a leggy brunette with blue eyes and an all-too familiar voice.

"So," she asks, so pretty that Alex is momentarily distracted from her own humiliation, "where's the porn?"

Oh my god! Now *that* is just superb. You totally win at the internets. And at life, I'm sure. I'm royally confused with all the universes, but it matters not a jot. Every single one of these ficlets have been awesome. Thank you. Give up lawyerin' and write crack instead. It's your vocation. Surely you realize this by now? ;-)

Thank you so much! Sorry for all the confusion; I've been overly fond of AUs recently. The world suffers in result. But I'm very glad you liked this and the others! I wish I could give up my illustrious legal career to write crack, but then I'd have nothing to complain about and then what will I get to post on Livejournal?

Okay, this is my favourite from this whole meme. Chad/Alex - how did this happen? I will now stop commenting and go do things.

CHAD/ALEX IS JUST WRONG.

Chad as Alex's brother, however, is acceptable, and perhaps even delightful. (For us, not so much for Alex.)

Thanks for reading!

GOOD GOD I DID NOT MEAN CHAD/ALEX LIKE THAT. GOD. I meant the Chad AND Alex universe!

AWESOME!

Oh, this is awesome!

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I'd consider following Christ if he was on Twitter

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