y'know, because of chester. the carrot.

[wizened_cynic]

So, instead of studying for constitutional law, THE ABSOLUTE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, I sat down to watch whatever was on television, which happened to be some Land Before Time Cartoon and an old episode of Zach and Cody.

Let's talk about Land Before Time, shall we? Am I supposed to believe that a bunch of pussy herbivores went and adopted a baby T-rex who doesn't grow up to EAT ALL OF THEM and is purple? And the new pink dinosaur, whatever she is, am I supposed to believe she can just pick up a stone and skip it? SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS. And there's some random fish that speaks like a special needs Chinese man. WHAT THE FUCK? I REMEMBER THE LAND BEFORE TIME BEING SO AWESOME WHEN I WAS SIX. MY CHILDHOOD, IT IS DESTROYED.

As for Zach and Cody: wow, that Max sure is a little budding lesbian, isn't she?

During the time I didn't spend watching this crap, I wrote another installment of the "Lorelai can't ..." mini-series. Because you love it when SPN!Lorelai gets into all kinds of shenanigans.

Lorelai can't stop twitching her nose.

Under the circumstances, Alex can't entirely fault her for it, the circumstances being that Lorelai has suddenly turned into a rabbit.

For once, the car is silent as they make their way back into the city, a pleasant and not unwelcome change. Alex finds a space two blocks away from the library, which is good enough for her. Unlike Lorelai, she's not adverse to walking.

But also, unlike Lorelai, she's human.

"Wait in the car," Alex says to Lorelai. "I can't take you inside. Because of your, uh, condition."

Lorelai stares at her morosely and twitches her nose.

"Take a nap, or eat some hay."

Alex is about to shut the door when Lorelai thumps her furry little paw and stares at Alex some more.

It's so weird for Lorelai to be so quiet.

"I'll be really quick," Alex says, suddenly, painfully aware that she is speaking to a rabbit and that people are watching, a rabbit that was her sister until a stupid kid in Hoboken got his hands on a wizard's spellbook, but it isn't as if Alex could explain that last part.

"Half an hour," Alex reassures Lorelai. "An hour tops."

Lorelai twitches some more. Her beady black eyes seem to display some sort of anger, and truth be told, Alex fears what an angry rabbit could do to her car while she's gone. Rabbits, she has learned, pee everywhere.

Besides, it's the middle of the afternoon in August, and Alex vaguely recalls reading an article somewhere about pets and infants being left in the car and being baked to death in the heat or something.

So, she's going to have to take her sister, the rabbit, with her into the library, and tonight she's going to make her 3000th submission to www.fmylife.com.

Picking up Lorelai by the scruff of her neck, Alex looks straight into Lorelai's soulless, rodent eyes, tells her to stay quiet or be prepared to be served at a Morrocan restaurant with couscous. Then she stuffs Lorelai into her purse, leaving Lorelai's head and ears poking out.

"You pee on my wallet and you're dead," Alex warns. "I'm going to cut off your foot for good luck."

Lorelai twitches her nose some more.

Alex considers it a deal.


*

Weirdly enough, people don't seem to be too taken aback by Alex carrying a rabbit around in her purse. A lot of them actually ask if they can hold Lorelai.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Alex says at first, but Lorelai is clearly eating up all the attention and immediately twitches her nose angrily at Alex. "Fine, whatever."

"You're so cute," squeals an incredibly attractive but not very bright college student as she scritches Lorelai's neck and kisses her head. "I could eat you right up!"

"Okay, give her back to me," Alex says, alarmed. She's on the trail of a loup garou, last seen making a meal out of several guinea pigs in the pharmacology lab at Hudson University, and you can never be too careful. Plus, the woman is reeking of Calvin Klein's latest and strong perfume irritates the respiratory system of small rodents. "And stay in your dorm at night, especially when it's full moon."

Alex hates to admit it, but it's harder to work a case by herself, in the sense that Lorelai as a rabbit provides even more distraction than Lorelai as a human. A rabbit needs to be regularly fed, brushed, and given vitamin supplements (Alex is going to have a giant scar from Lorelai's teeth when Alex tried to shove a papaya tablet down Lorelai's throat), and at night Lorelai thumps her paw until Alex picks her up, tucks her against Alex's chest, and pets her until she twitches her nose in satisfaction, god forbid if Alex wants to actually do some research on her laptop.

"Go away," Alex says as she feels Lorelai's wet nose against her ankle, nuzzling her. "If you can't help me with the actual hunt, at least stop being so needy so I can get stuff done."

Lorelai stops nuzzling and begins nipping instead, so Alex picks her up, brings her into the bathroom, and dumps her into the bathtub.

"Try to escape now," Alex taunts, and Lorelai vehemently thumps her paw against the porcelain.

Two hours and no leads later, Alex returns to the bathroom to find Lorelai huddled in one end of the tub, trembling. She doesn't look up when Alex comes over, just twitches her nose miserably, and at once Alex feels a wave of remorse wash over her, followed by a tsunami of wow, my life is really fucked up.

Alex reaches in and gently picks Lorelai up. "Come on," Alex tells her. "I'll let you sleep on the bed if you promise not to pee all over it."

Together they lie down, Lorelai curled up against Alex's chest as Alex pets her quietly, until sometime during the night Alex startles awake and finds herself stroking the back of her very human sister.

She may have yelped a little.

Once she gets herself together, Alex says to Lorelai, the human, "Let's pretend this never happened."

"What, you petting me?"

"That's not pretending it never happened."

"It's okay, Alex," Lorelai says. "I was fluffy and lovable. It could not be avoided."

"I liked you so much better when you were a rabbit," Alex says, resigned.

"Come here," Lorelai says, and pets her.

And this is what rabbit!Lorelai looks like: