you and me against the world

[wizened_cynic]

Kids, back in 2006, drummer_jew2002 and I were partners in crime. None of you remember this because you were not even BORN then, so let me remind you of this brilliant review of the pilot of Conviction that we did back when it premiered.

(For those who do not remember, which is ALL of you, Conviction was the short-lived and terrible spinoff in which Alex Cabot was heterosexual and wore very ugly clothes.)

6 years later, a little older but none the wiser, we give you live commentary of the Season 14 premiere of SVU, guest-starring Paget Brewster and Cragen's penis.

Jew posted this on her Facebook status:

Does SVU REALLY need to say that the story is fictional at this point? I mean, hasn't this show gone so far over the top that everyone knows they're not depicting any actual person or event?

And the ensuing conversation happened in her comments.



Does SVU REALLY need to say that the story is fictional at this point? I mean, hasn't this show gone so far over the top that everyone knows they're not depicting any actual person or event?


wizened_cynic can we focus on what is truly important ie paget brewster's hair?
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

drummer_jew2002 It did seem to be an improvement over her Criminal Minds hair and I still hate you for making me pay attention to hair.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like

wizened_cynic i change lives, dude. you know it.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like

drummer_jew2002 Indeed you do, azn. Indeed you do. I just saw a picture of the new chick from CM pop up on my newsfeed and my first thought, which I actually said out loud to myself, was "what's wrong with her face?"
2 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1

wizened_cynic I AM WATCHING SVU NOW. I am torn between the horror of Cragen's moobs and the sadness that he had to be subject to the humiliation of dropping his pants in front of Warner.
about an hour ago · Like

wizened_cynic But both were overwhelmed by my feelz towards PB's hair and powersuit.
about an hour ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 "I'm gonna have to ask you to drop your shorts, Sir" cracked me up so hard. It was delivered with such seriousness.
about an hour ago via mobile · Like

wizened_cynic I have no idea how all parties involved managed to keep a straight face. I cracked up when she said, "her saliva on his penis" CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT CRAGEN'S PENIS?
about an hour ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Ha! Yeah. Later on someone is talking to him and says "saliva on your genitals." I feel like working on that show would be the best time.
about an hour ago via mobile · Like

wizened_cynic I AM SO UPSET THEY JUST REMANDED HIM TO SOLITARY CONFINEMENT AT RIKERS. I'm totally providing live commentary here. I'm sure you wouldn't mind.
about an hour ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Never. Your commentary is unsurpassed and only Craig comes close to matching it by saying "Boobies!" whenever he watches a show with nudity.
59 minutes ago via mobile · Like

wizened_cynic UNRELATED BY MOST HORRIFYING I HAVE SEEN TODAY SECOND TO CRAGEN'S MOOBS: http://img3.etsystatic.com/000/0/6282449/il_570xN.235185395.jpg

http://img3.etsystatic.com/000/0/6282449/il_570xN.235185395.jpg
img3.etsystatic.com
59 minutes ago · Like · Remove Preview

drummer_jew2002 HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND THAT? I'm glad it's only 11:30 in the morning because I don't think I could sleep after that.
57 minutes ago via mobile · Like

drummer_jew2002 Cragen's Moobs is totally my new band name.
57 minutes ago via mobile · Like

wizened_cynic Please, I EXCEL at finding weird, horrifying shit on the interwebs. Cragen's Moobs one hit wonder will be "Saliva on your genitals"
55 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 From the album Knife Play (which you may not have gotten to yet).
54 minutes ago via mobile · Like

wizened_cynic SPOILER ALERT
54 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic omg awkward pointless exposition is awkwardly pointless
53 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 It wouldn't be SVU without awkward pointless exposition.
53 minutes ago via mobile · Like

wizened_cynic He has exposure here? DOES HE MEAN HERPES?
52 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic OH WHY IS HE MAKING WHOREMONGING SO DEPRESSING?
51 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic why is whoremonging not used more frequently in everyday speak?
51 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 That's a good question. Henceforth, I shall set a goal to add whoremonging into my daily lexicon.
49 minutes ago via mobile · Like

drummer_jew2002 Or is it mongering?
49 minutes ago via mobile · Like

wizened_cynic THIS IS AWESOME. FIN IS STARING AT A DEAD CHICK IN A BLOODY BATHTUB AND HE JUST SAID, "It's too late. She's gone." To quote you, my jew, "The obvious train just pulled up to to the no shit station."
49 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic i think mong is the verb and monger is "one who mongs." But I'm not an expert in monging so I wouldn't know.
48 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic Oh, paget's eyelashes are the best part of this episode.
48 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Oh HA! at that quote of mine that I totally forgot about. Also, you should totally become an expert in monging. I'm sure that's a thing. There's probably a liberal arts degree for that somewhere.
47 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic My PHD will be in monging. It'll look so great on my CV.
46 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I hate this Stabler-lite.
46 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 There ya go.
46 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Amaro? He's pretty, but he's no Stabler.
45 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic Am I supposed to beleive that PB's character would have a fat daughter?
45 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic RUN OFF A CLIFF BY A CEMENT MIXER
44 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic OMG SVU
44 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I'm pretty sure that's exactly how I want to die.
44 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic no way, you'll totally end up a headless, fingerless, toothless corpse washed up ashore somewhere
44 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Fair point. I'll just change that to, I want to be the person that comes up with the deaths for SVU.
43 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I'm totally going to anonymize us and then post this on lj with a link to our Conviction live commentary from 2006.
42 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 DIGITAL STEAM
42 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic IT WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN
42 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic THEY ARE SITTING SHIVA FOR A DEAD HOOKER
40 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I KNOW!
40 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Best shiva.
39 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic Hang on I'm going to fastforward this boring part without anybody I want to fuck.
39 minutes ago · Like · 1

wizened_cynic I keep expecting Dennis Duffy to sell these losers a beeper
37 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I love how these people can file motions without any paperwork
37 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Someone who may or may not know what the hell they're doing told me that that sort of thing can all be done electronically now.
36 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Me? I'm inclined to believe THE LAWYER.
36 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic Even if they can do it electronically, you still have to fill in FORMS. These lezzies just want, "I AM JUST RANDOMLY ASKING FOR SHIT AND HOPING YOU GIVE IT TO ME!"
34 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I'm so annoyed now
34 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I have no idea what this episode is about
34 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I'm 52 minutes in
34 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I still don't know.
33 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I've had an entire night to process it and STILL I have no idea what I spent two hours watching happen.
33 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic SOMEONE JUST GOT RUN OVER BY A BIKE
33 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic THEY'RE ALL POLICE ON THE JOB!
32 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic omg
31 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic i bet that uniformed cop was a stripper
31 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic like on arrested development
31 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I still haven't watched Arrested Development.
31 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 But I have been reading the meme that puts Mitt Romney quotes on that rich looking white woman.
31 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic the first two seasons are actually pretty funny but then it gets too smug and meta about itself
30 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Awesome. I might try again.
29 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 If I muster up the caring.
29 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic also watch the league. there was a hilarious sukkot episode last year. with swatzikas.
29 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 That's awesome. I watched a few episodes of it year before last but then never stayed up with it.
28 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic omg i am so bored by these people's fake problems
27 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I know! I need more dead hookers in my life, not more pretty people with problems.
26 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic Rollins is badass
25 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic there's no steam from her coffee though
24 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic there's no coffee in her coffee
24 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Rollins is easily my favorite right now. Too bad they forgot to digitize her coffee.
24 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic God, NYPD sucks. That dumbass cop shoots Cassidy twice at point blank and HE LIVES??!??!?!!
23 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 NYPD is literally the worst at everything.
22 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic She's not who she used to be because she got botox and her boobs got freakishly large.
22 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I thought there was something off about Benson. I'm going to need to pay more attention to boobs.
21 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I always look t the boobs first
21 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic Then hair
21 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic "HIS HOUSE IS A HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION"
20 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I'll have to remember that. That seems to work out well for you.
20 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Another phrase I need to start using on a daily basis.
20 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic which surely you can do once you become a professional whoremonger
19 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Exactly. Mine will be a house of prostitution.
18 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I'll make sure to retain you as counsel.
18 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I will visit frequently and bring with me gifts of lube.
18 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I'll pay you with prostitutes.
18 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I look forward to reactions if anyone on my friends list chooses to read this.
16 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic IS PILLOWTALK ADMISSIBLE OR HEARSAY?
15 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic "I killed her." "What?" *eyeroll* "I didn't mean to."
14 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic "He's on my payroll, and it turns out he's UC AND he's screwing my fiancee"
14 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic god bless svu writers
14 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic they are a special bunch
14 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 SVU needs to stay on the air for a few more years so I can get a job writing for it. I feel like I could really nail that subtle, nuanced dialogue.
13 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic God, I seriously thought Olivia would follow "use of a deadly weapon" with "YOUR PENIS"
12 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 HA!
11 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 That needs to be a thing.
11 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I totally have the same fake law books on my shelves, notwithstanding that WE ARE NOT EVEN THE SAME COUNTRY.
11 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 You must use the same set designer, which further confirms my theory that the law is actually a complete farce, no matter where you are.
9 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic Pretty much. One time I billed a client for the shit I took when reading her stuff on my Blackberry,
8 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I need to find a way to make money while pooping.
8 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic I just cannot get over the fat kid
7 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic how would she even give birth to that fat a kid?
7 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic and how would that fat kid have that strange disease with glass bones?
7 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic wouldn't the fat just make the bones collapse?
7 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic should've stuck with lukemia
7 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic wow her hair is awesome in this scene
7 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I assume the kid is fat *because* of her bone disease. Like, she can't actually exercise because her bones would break. Or something.
6 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic worst lawyers
6 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic never confess dumbfuck
5 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic these people have never watched svu
5 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic her hair is amaaaaaaaaazing
5 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 So much better than Criminal Minds.
5 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic hahahahaha i love that every single episode ever they have to remind olivia that she is an old childless slag that nobody loves
4 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic and she makes that scrunchy bitchface
4 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Maybe she wouldn't be an old childless slag if she didn't make that bitchface all the time.
4 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Or wasn't, you know, an incompetent moron.
3 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic she is just unlovable
3 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic i love that they arrested all of new york
3 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic so ... this show is about sex crimes?
2 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 I know, like, dudes, you've just taken down the government and law enforcement of the entire city.
2 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic it's more like CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. AND LOGIC.
2 minutes ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Well, it is "special" victims unit. Maybe special has a different connotation at this point.
2 minutes ago · Like

wizened_cynic SHE IS STILL MAKING THE BITCHFACE
about a minute ago · Like

wizened_cynic WHY IS SHE CRYING
about a minute ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Because Mariska wants another emmy.
about a minute ago · Like

wizened_cynic How is this show still nominated for emmys?
about a minute ago · Like

wizened_cynic also i just finished
about a minute ago · Like

wizened_cynic i'm going to anonymize us and then post on livejournal
about a minute ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Awesome.
a few seconds ago · Like

drummer_jew2002 Best commentary is best.



Now I have to, like, drink sleep tea so I can go to sleep and wake up to another day of agony and self-loathing.

Comments

[mayireadtoday.livejournal.com]

Oh, no worries, I would've totally given a detailed review of SM's FML face in Made in Jersey.

YAY!

Cool, thanks for the shiva time.

I mean, if they were real kids who could choose other real siblings to be related to.

They're quantum kids -- of course they can choose. They only appear in universes that they approve of.

I just had a weird thought: Didi grows up and marries Miranda. Their relationship is like Paris and Rory.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

I just had a weird thought: Didi grows up and marries Miranda. Their relationship is like Paris and Rory.

If one's willing to overlook the incest, it actually makes so much fucking sense.

[mayireadtoday.livejournal.com]

If one's willing to overlook the incest

They're from different universes (but still find each other) so it's not exactly incest.

it actually makes so much fucking sense.

Thank you.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

But they have the same mother! So it's always going to be incest. But hey, I'm not judging. I watched Supernatural for 5 years, and that show is all about inappropriately sexually-charged relationships with your brother.

[mayireadtoday.livejournal.com]

Not to mention the incest you've written :) I love your Lorelai/Alex Supernatural AU.

[wizened-cynic.livejournal.com]

Exactly! And thank you! I love that AU too, it's so much fun. I should get back to it but these days I'm preoccupied with het babyfic. God, it's like 1998 again.