wizened_cynic | i fear that someday you might not leave me

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i fear that someday you might not leave me

Having ~~gotten my ass kicked by~~ conquered the 27-page exam yesterday, I am officially done with this semester. DONE. Like a delicious porterhouse steak someone on Top Chef might make and then get eliminated because it's too simple and they took the easy way out by not cooking it with, I don't know, liquid nitrogen.

I'm all finished with core of the actual book-study part of this year. I have two more weeks of intense advocacy training in the middle of May, but that is mostly bullshit and pretending to be on Boston Legal.

So to celebrate my month-long break in which I plan to do absolutely nothing, I'm taking prompts again! Because it's been forever since I've written anything fic-ish. Fickish? Whatever. You can either choose a ecard from someecards.com, which has been done before and led to ... a lot of Chad.

Alternatively, you can pick a fic that I've written (check the fic tags or the sad and abandoned delicious and give me a timestamp, e.g. two weeks before, or five years after, etc. etc. and I will tell you what happened two weeks before or five years after whatever the hell went on in that fic, if I even remember.

OR you can just name one of the universes I've written and I'll tell you how it ends, because let's face it, I'm never going to have time to write fic ever again once my ~~slavish duties~~ totally awesome job starts.

But until then! Writing! Lesbians! Schmoop! Writing lesbian schmoop! YAY!!!

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Quantum AJ verse: how does it end? What happens when they find Lorelai? Do Alex and Lorelai get together? Does Quantum AJ stay?

And these sommecards are really just in honor of you finishing up school and your new job but you could write fic from them if you want.

(http://www.someecards.com/workplace-cards/i-need-a-time-billing-code)

(http://www.someecards.com/workplace-cards/you-should-know-about-a-confusing)

You know, I've never actually given much thought to how Quantum AJ ends, since it's one of those weird universes like Calvin Hobbes where the kid never grows up. But now that I think of it, it probably ends with Alex from original AJ universe taking AJ back and for whatever reason everyone except Alex forgets that AJ ever existed and Alex feels kind of mopey for a bit and then runs into Lorelai one day and just knows that she's AJ's Lorelai and ... I don't know. They get coffee. THE END.

I might write a ficlet for the first ecard, because it's just screaming Criminal Minds Office AU to me. And also because it sums up my life so aptly.

I like how you imagine Quantum AJ ends. It makes sense and it's very cool.

And I guessed that you'd relate to the first sommecard.

Thanks! I'm delighted that it makes sense; after all, it's a universe about a quantum baby. Which should exist. I would like to have a quantum toddler visit me from time and to time and then I'd just shove her back into her own universe when she shits her pull ups.

Anyway, this is set in the same Criminal Minds RPS AU (http://wizened-cynic.livejournal.com/442868.html?thread=5565428#t5565428), where Paget is crazy (or is she?) and A.J. is wistful:

* * *

No one has ever seen Paget do any work.

In fact, no one's really sure what Paget's job is, only that she replaced Lola, who got fired after she started taking her parakeets to work and tried to shoot Bernero when he told her she couldn't.

Paget spends a great deal of her day hanging around A.J.'s desk, and A.J. is mostly all right with that. She says mostly because once in a while Gibson from HR pulls A.J. aside and lectures her on the perils of office romances, especially those involving the clinically insane. Case in point: Lola.

And there's also the thing where A.J. needs to get her work done, so she can keep her job and afford things like food and clothes and rent, and having Paget around her is not terribly conducive to that.

Which is why, though slightly disappointing, it is also a relief when Paget naps in her cubicle this morning and allows A.J. to catch up on last week's files.

She's only a third of the way done when Matthew throws his wireless mouse onto the floor in a fit of rage and screams in the Paget's direction, "WHA is not a word! Tell me which dictionary defines 'wha' as a word!"

Gibson stands up and, scrubbing his face with his hand, says, "No more Machiavellian scrabble, kids. It's bad for office morale."

It's silent for another twenty minutes until Paget appears at A.J.'s side. "Hey."

"Hey."

"Let's prank Mundy."

A.J. raises an eyebrow.

"Well, Bernero's in LA, and Messer scares me," says Paget.

"I didn't think anything scared you," says A.J.

"Messer scares me," Paget repeats, and then adds thoughtfully, "and manatees. They're like deformed mermaids."

"It's Tuesday," A.J. reminds her. "No pranks until the afternoon."

"Come on, don't make me do work," Paget whines. "Time could be much better spent stealing toilet paper."

"Have you ever actually done work? You should try it once in a while."

"I've already done everything for the week," Paget says, so blithely that she doesn't seem to be lying.

Which is crazy, because nobody has ever seen Paget work.

"You've never seen the Sasquatch, but he still exists," Paget says defensively.

A.J. says, "Uh, no, he doesn't."

"So you say," says Paget. "Here's the secret, my friend." She leans down towards A.J.'s ear, and her breath is warm and smells like cinnamon. "I work really fast. It's a curse. I can't tell anyone because they'd make me do more work, and I don't need that shit in my life. Now that I've told you, you must swear to keep it a secret or I'd have to kill you and put your head on a stick to warn the others. I'm kidding --- or am I?"

"Let's prank Mundy," A.J. says, because there's no way she can concentrate on data entry after being simultaneously turned on by having Paget so close to her and utterly terrified by 70% of the stuff that comes out of Paget's mouth.

"I love this job," says Paget.

Your Paget is very much like the character she played on the show with Andy Richter.

"It wasn't about African Americans. It was about the Irish."

I've only seen bits and pieces of ARCTU but Jessica was hilarious in what I saw.

Damn, I wish I still had my Emily Prentiss icon.

I've only seen two vids of her on the show.

Actual clips from her character being slightly gay and awesome on the show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLRxXk-m3NY

And an awesome vid of her dancing and being weird/funny on tv shows and in RL: http://vimeo.com/14499839

Unrelated, but I dreamed Emily Prentiss babyfic last night. I was as awesome as you might imagine. THE END.

Awesome.

I wanted Quantum AJ too. As long as Alex and Lorelai meet, it's all good. And Ic an't get the ecard site to load right now.

Is the site dead? Boooooooooooooo. Try again later?

Oregon Trail AU. 5 years after.

Practical Fishkeeping, 5 years after.

By the way, I'm going to be going through all of those stories and reminding myself just how great they are. It's going to be a fun time.

Alex sells the farm to Jim Steele after Pa dies. The irony is not lost on her; the farm would've been his anyway if she'd married him, but she didn't, and she pretends she doesn't see the way he stares at her as she loads the last of her belongings onto the wagon.

Miss Patty is sipping tea on the porch of the boarding house when Alex arrives. "Oh, sweetheart," she says, grabbing Alex's hands and squeezing them till they've lost all feeling, "I'm so sorry about your pa. He was a good man, and so handsome."

"Thank you, Miss Patty," Alex says. "Have you seen Lorelai?"

"She's right inside, sorting supper out with Sookie."

Alex finds them in the kitchen, wrapping rags around Sookie's left hand. "Knives are slippery," Sookie says by way of explanation, nodding at the pool of blood on the table.

"Michel, would you kindly take Sookie to the infirmary?" Lorelai asks the Frenchman, who replies with a very short, "No."

"Michel, take Sookie to the infirmary."

"Fine," Michel huffs. "But I will not enjoy it."

"You do not have to. Just make sure that cut is taken care of," Lorelai tells him. He leaves with Sookie, and then it's just Alex and Lorelai alone in the room. Alex thinks she should want to kiss Lorelai, but there are too many eyes here, too many people shuffling in and out of the boarding house.

Lorelai smiles, as if she knows what Alex is thinking. "How did the sale go?"

"As smoothly as it was expected, I suppose."

"Are you filthy rich now? Should I marry you and try to swindle you out of your money?"

Alex frowns. "Don't make such jokes, Lorelai. People will hear."

Lorelai shrugs. "I've already had a child out of wedlock. What's one more scarlet letter to add to my dress? It'd look quite swell, in fact. Color would go well with this calico."

Knowing Lorelai could stretch a joke for hours, Alex decides to ignore her completely and carry on with what she intended to say. "I have, in fact, decided what I want to do with the money."

"Buy a monkey!" Lorelai chortles.

Alex sighs.

"Though it would be quite difficult to find a monkey salesman around here."

"I can just leave, you know."

"But if you do find one, I want to name it Bert."

"Goodbye, Lorelai."

Alex turns around, but Lorelai makes a grab for her hand and says, "All right, all right, not a monkey. I'm listening now. Mostly. Part of me is still thinking about the little shirts and hats I could stitch together for Bert --- I'm listening now, really. Completely focused, not thinking about monkeys at all."

"I," Alex begins, and then it dawns on her what an immensely stupid idea this could be, and that Lorelai might not even agree to it. "I have decided I want to invest in the boarding house."

Lorelai's smile fades into an expression of surprise. "What?"

"It's not that I don't believe you can manage this place on your own. It's merely that I now have some money and I would like to invest it in something profitable. I think we've already established that I'm not terribly interested in farming."

Lorelai says nothing, still lost in thought.

"Well, what do you say?" Alex asks after a moment.

"Where will you live?" Lorelai asks.

"If I am to be an investor in the boarding house, then I would like to live here, so I can monitor what's going on at all times."

Lorelai nods. "That sounds fair to me. I think I can make the necessary arrangements."

"So I'm in."

"Well, maybe you'd like a tour first." Lorelai's smile is back now, and wider than ever, and there's that glint in her eye that makes Alex weak. "Come on, follow me. I'll start by showing you the best room in the house."

"Which is the best room?" asks Alex.

"The one with a lock on the door."

ME GUSTA! (That is as much Spanish as I know anymore.)

Lorelai with the locked doors, smart girl she is. Their dynamic is so much fun. Thank you!

And congrats on conquering the 27 page test, it might have put up a fight but you prevailed in the end.

Gratias? I took French in high school, so IDK.

I hope I prevailed. There's always a chance that I totally bombed it. You never know.

The last two lines are the best ever.

Thank you :) :)

I think Oregon Trail AU would have been the last one I would have thought of to hear more about, but this is definitely my favorite drabble you did. So awesome.

Thanks, IB. It was definitely my favorite too. I had so much fun recreating Stars Hollow in Oregon circa 1849.

Brain--congrats! I miss you.

"somewhere i have never traveled" (my absolute favorite fic of many favorite fics written by my favorite--only--Brain) -- two weeks before

Worm! You're here! I missed you too! And thanks!

Oh, wow, that fic is from a long time ago. I'm gonna need to reread it (ugh!) before I can do your prompt, but I'll get around to it, I promise!

I really like exclamation points.

This was way harder than I anticipated. This fic was written FIVE years ago, and it's impossible to get back into the same mindset, and I hate writing from Lorelai POV because I don't know enough pop culture references, so I took the easy way out with Alex. Heh, dirty!

* * *

Ever since the incident with the Fruit Roll Up, Alex has been thinking about kissing Lorelai.

It's not exactly anything new for her, thinking about kissing Lorelai, but now she's doing it so often that it distracts her from getting through her day properly, and if she were back in New York, she's sure Huang would have a way to spin it into a disorder on the DSM-IV.

New York no longer hits her like a sucker punch to the stomach, which Hammond would say is a good thing, Hammond who somehow arranges a meeting at a cafe in Blue Hills and wastes no time in exchanging pleasantries.

We've almost got enough evidence, he says.

Good, she says. How long? she asks.

He doesn't answer, but Alex remembers the Marshals telling her in the beginning that the usual stay in the program lasted one to two years.

On her way back to Stars Hollow, she stops by a roadside stand to buy fresh honey for Lorelai. She thinks about kissing Lorelai again, and it occurs to Alex for the first time that as hard as it was coming to Stars Hollow, it might be infinitely harder for her to leave.

Sorry I was horribly cruel and picked an old fic, but your response was lovely. Thank you so much. Now I can continue to dream of fruit roll-ups and honey and Alex and Lorelei. :-)

I'm glad you liked it! And you weren't horribly cruel, I've just been out of the game for too long. On reread I found the original fic to be utterly cringeworthy and was mortified that I even wrote it.

I want fruit roll ups. They don't exist here.

Great last line.

Awwwww. This is my favourite AU ever, I'm so glad you came back to it. Now do it more often!

Howww did Claire in Stars Hollow end?

This one is hard, because there's so many mini-AUs branching off from the original Claire AU. Like the Monkeypaw Babyverse, for example. It doesn't happen. What happens is probably something very boring like eventually they fight a lot over little things and Alex hates her job (because she got sent back to SVU three times!) and Lorelai is all, Then quit!, and Alex is all, AND DO WHAT? but, I don't know, they work things out and stay together. Wow, boringest ending ever.

Okay, zombie apocalypse, they (along with Paris and Rory) are the last remaining survivors. THE END.

Okay, you know what I'd really like to know is, how was Three Stephanies and a Lauren going to go/end? Because I can't even guess at that.

And maybe maybe maybe a Neal Baer is Fucking Insane timestamp? Like 2 months after the ficlet where Danneel is awesome? (I was very unimpressed by her IMDB page being Danneel Ackles now. Srsly, does she actually expect to be with him for the rest of her career? Well, she probably does.)

There was a time when I had actually planned out the ending of Three Stephanies and a Lauren down to detail, but I don't actually remember any of it now. All I do recall is that Julie finds out about Gretchen and Sue and is jealous of everything Gretchen has and Julie wants/needs to leave her assassin lifestyle, so she tries to kidnap Gretchen to switch identities with her, but Sue quickly figures out that Julie is not Gretchen, and I don't know. An exciting action sequence ensues! Sue has the baby and raises it with Gretchen. Julie is either apprehended or escapes to the Bahamas. I don't remember who the third Stephanie is, so really it should be Two Stephanies and a Lauren.

Danneel Ackles sound even stupider than Genevieve Padalecki. And Padalecki is an immensely stupid-sounding name. But Danneel remains awesome, and this story is partially based on TRUE EVENTS:

***

Danneel's character is so well-received that Neal decides to bring her on as a recurring guest star. She's going to be Alona's archnemesis and pop up every few episodes to remind Alona that Alona's gay.

"Basically, I represent the show's rabid lesbian fanbase," Danneel says proudly when she delivers the news over a pint of whatever Stephanie brewed in her dressing room.

No one asks if they think Neal's next great plotline is offensive, because everything about the show is kind of offensive, and by now everyone just sort of rolls with it.

"I'm going to ask if we can have a threesome," says Danneel, and she does the next day during their table read.

It's not too surprising when Neal jumps ship to CBS at the end of the season. Well, it is surprising, but only because Neal's still alive at the end of the season to switch networks and hasn't died of a Danneel-induced aneurysm or something.

They have a drink in Neal's honor, this time at an actual bar because there are rumors that ATF is onto Stephanie.

"You know who they should put in charge?" Danneel asks.

Only Ben's listening, because Sophia and Alona are in the bathroom, grinding like two eighth-graders after Sunday School. Which Danneel may or may not have done. But whatever, Ben's a great listener.

"Chuck Lorre," Ben says. "I'll be Jon Cryer and you can be Charlie Sheen."

Danneel ponders this for a minute. She's remarkably okay with this.

She bets Chuck would totally let her and Sophia and Alona have a threesome.

:D
Love it!!

Thanks! I kind of wish this universe were real. It'd make the show so much better.

Monkey universe? The kid is grown up? Somewhat?

Or the supernatural AU?

Also: does Lorelai ever get a penis again?

Sadly, no. But she invests in a variety of strap ons, none of which lives up to the standard of her penis.

Hmmm ... I know I've written post-birth ficlets for Monkeyverse, but I really see the birth of the baby as the end of that universe. Which doesn't make sense, I know, but I can't really see that baby growing up or what kind of parents those two wacky lesbians would make. The baby is a baby, and Alex is a little jealous of how Lorelai is the "preferred mommy" but simultaneously relieved that she still has to work and doesn't spend all her time with said baby, because babies are boring and high maintenance. Lorelai gets to buy all sorts of shit for the baby now that she can afford it and the two of them argue about how to raise the kid but somehow find middle ground. THE END.

The SPN AU does not end. At least not until Supernatural does and I decide whether or not to borrow elements from it. Because Supernatural has been pretty stupid for the last 2.5 seasons.

Hey, Madame Cynic. (Cynicism isn't a crutch. It's a lifestyle espouses by all the best people.) Huge fan for years! What is/was the name of the Ryan/Adam slash fic you wrote a few years back? I know you have a tiny bit of that in "Between Order and Randomness" but the one I'm talking about is full-on Adam/Ryan with Ryan thinking about how much it will hurt Joan when she finds out. It was very dark, but very good and I want to read it again. Help!

Hey there! The fic is called Rag and Bone and you can find it here (http://archiveofourown.org/works/18716) now. I'm probably going to move all my fic there and close this journal. Thanks for all the love through the years!

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i fear that someday you might not leave me

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