wizened_cynic: (lorelai - thinky)
[personal profile] wizened_cynic
Yeah, I don't know what this is. Back in August, [livejournal.com profile] thrace_ gave me a prompt calendar which I promptly did not follow, but anyway, one of the prompts was "greek gods" and this is what became of it.


FYI Rachel is Rachel Gatina from One Tree Hill. You don't need to know who she is; just know that she's totally slutty and gay for Brooke


Things get exponentially more awkward at family parties after Alex's brother Chad invents alcohol. Their lightweight father gets drunk after a couple sips of wine and starts regaling the masses with stories from his youth, how he turned into a swan once to get a woman to sleep with him, that sort of thing.

To top it all off, Alex runs into her uncle at the buffet table and Jack grunts at her before clearing the last of the salmon nigiri from the serving dish. They've never gotten along, and right now Jack's more pissed off at her than usual. This stupid kid Alex mentors stabbed one of her cousins in the eye with a burning stick and Jack blames her for it, as if it's Alex's fault the little moron has no impulse control.

"Bad day?" Elliot asks. He sounds cheerful, which probably means that a couple hundred thousand people are dying in battle at this moment.

"I turned a girl into a spider," Alex says. "It was gross."

"I heard about that. Sounds awesome," Elliot says.

Alex sighs, exhausted from a long day's work. Humans are so fucking needy. She's barely had time to feed her owl and she has hat hair from wearing her helmet for too long. Meanwhile her skanky sister looks amazing because she does nothing all day except flirt with anything that moves, and the bitch of it is, Alex can't even complain about her to Elliot because Elliot is totally fucking Rachel on the side.

"You need to get laid," Elliot says thoughtfully as he takes another swill from his goblet.

"Can't," Alex reminds him, too annoyed with the woeful existence of her life to get into detail.

Elliot remembers and nods. "Right. That virginity thing sure must suck."

Rachel appears at this moment and drapes herself over Elliot, her breasts practically falling out of her stola as she wraps herself around him and starts whisper-licking his ear. Alex takes this as her cue to leave, and she almost knocks over Rachel's midget son on her way to get away from her nuthouse of a family.


It starts drizzling out of the blue (fuck her life) on her way back to her temple, and Alex is forced to take shelter in a small cave on the side of a hill somewhere. Usually Alex steers clear of caves because you never know where her father might be keeping another one of his mistresses, and she hates making smalltalk with the mothers of possible half-siblings. Sam and Dean were probably born in a cave like this one. Ugh.

The rain gets heavier and heavier and Alex's owl regards her with those wide, condescending eyes until she resigns herself to the fact that she might have to stay the night. Miraculously there's enough dried twigs and branches inside the cave to start a small fire, and Alex has just gotten warm enough so that she can stop feeling sorry for herself when someone barges inside.

"Holy McCoy and Donnelly, it's raining like the gods are pissing on us."

Alex turns to see who the unwelcome guest is and almost screams.

"Calm down, calm down. It's just a mask. See? Here."

The mask is gone, replaced by blue eyes and a smile wide enough to reach them. The woman before her is so beautiful, Alex wonders why she'd never noticed her before. (Probably because Alex was too busy turning people into spiders. Fuck her life, seriously.)

"Hello? Anyone there?" She waves towards Alex.

Alex snaps back to attention. "Right. I'm Alex."

The woman laughs. It's not a polite laugh. She doesn't sound like fairies or wood nymphs; she sounds more like a jackal. Alex kind of likes that.

"I know who you are, Alex. Bet you don't know who I am."

"I don't," Alex admits. Please don't tell me you've slept with my father.

"Really? You've never watched Saturday Night Live? Thought you were a patron of the arts."

"I've never watched Saturday Night Live," Alex says, "but I'm pretty sure you're not Tina Fey."

"Tina Fey." Her tone is slightly dismissive. "She's the student, hello. I'm the master."

Alex keeps staring at her, mostly because she does not want to indulge whoever this (beautiful) stranger is in her guessing game and also because it was raining outside and her stola is soaked and therefore completely see-through.

"I'm amused," the woman says.

"I'm also amused," Alex says, because she is. She definitely is. And she can tell from looking at the stranger's chest that it is very cold inside the cave.

"No, I'm a Muse," the Muse says. "Of comedy! I'm Lorelai, Muse of Comedy. Would you stop checking out my tits?"

Alex feels the blush in her cheeks as she turns her eyes away. You can't do this, she reminds herself. She's sworn off Muses ever since her relationship with Olivia ended, predictably, in tears. "What did you expect?" Dean had asked her. "She's the Muse of Tragedy! But damn, her body's fine. I'd tap that, but then some cousin we've never heard of would probably turn her into a tree."

"How long do you think it's going to keep raining?" Lorelai asks.

Alex shrugs. "Hell would I know. I'm not Sam."

Lorelai is quiet for a minute and then asks, "Do you want to have sex?"

"Right now?" Alex asks, disbelieving.

"What else are we going to do all night?"

That sounds reasonable enough.

"Um. Okay," says Alex, trying to not to sound too eager. "But I kind of have to stay a virgin."

Lorelai grins, laugh lines at the corners of her eyes. Alex makes a note to check out some of her work even though she hates rom-coms. She already knows she wants to see Lorelai again, and it would be best if they could talk about something other than the military or olive trees or how Alex's dad gave birth to her from his head.

"No worries," Lorelai says, the glint in her eye dangerously seductive, "there are plenty of ways to work around that."

This thesis business is going to kill me. And all this angst right now? Merely concerns choosing the topic. There's no way I won't die writing this motherfucking pointless piece of shit.

Date: 2009-09-02 08:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fallon-ash.livejournal.com
Heehee!!! Much fun!!

A friend was telling me about some greek fantasy book she was reading where the amazons had magic rings that when moved to the other hand turned them into men for party tricks or impregnating their girlfriends, and my first thought was 'oooh, SPN!AU Lorelai would love that'. You, my friend, have brainwashed me. It's kinda awesome.

Date: 2009-09-02 11:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
:D :D

You're totally right. SPN!Lorelai would DEMAND THAT RING. She'd rip one off the hand of a cold dead Amazon if she had to.

Yay for brainwashing!!!

Date: 2009-09-02 08:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] onlyjustwhisper.livejournal.com
Um, this is totally awesome! I think you should write more :)

My favourite bit:
'She's sworn off Muses ever since her relationship with Olivia ended, predictably, in tears. "What did you expect?" Dean had asked her. "She's the Muse of Tragedy! But damn, her body's fine. I'd tap that, but then some cousin we've never heard of would probably turn her into a tree."'

Loved it <3

(How are you doing?)

Date: 2009-09-02 11:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Hee, I'm glad you liked. Thanks! There may be more eventually, but right now I have something else planned. *ominous music*

Olivia probably inspired the whole emo thing. You know it, dude.

(I hate my life so much it's not funny. How are you?)

Date: 2009-09-02 12:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] onlyjustwhisper.livejournal.com
Of course I liked it! You know I love everything you write! And yay for more!
Do I get to find out what this ominous-sounding fic is about?

And yeah, I agre that Olivia invented the emo. Remind me again why I watch SVU.

I'm sorry your life sucks at the moment :( Are you any closer to figuring out a topic?
And yeah, life is pretty good for me! Am in the car on the way home from my dad's and I will be doing a picspam when I get home and then vidding so yay!
Unfortunately school starts again on Friday. Sigh.

Date: 2009-09-02 12:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Haha, all I can tell you right now is that it's in the same universe as the Sophia/Alona fic.

I'm nowhere near it. And time is running out. I'm supposed to get approval by the first week of class. Which is, like, five days away. The worst part is there's absolutely nothing to write. I hate argumentative essays. Going to law school was dumb. DUMB.


Sorry. I feel better now.

At least one of us is having a good day. Yay for picspams!

Date: 2009-09-02 10:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gonzo21.livejournal.com
I vaguely remember it gets a little easier after you've chosen a topic.

... except then of course you have to write the bastard.

Date: 2009-09-02 11:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Yeah, I don't even want to think about the writing part. Just the FINDING A TOPIC THAT MY ADVISOR DOESN'T HATE part is already making me suicidal.

Date: 2009-09-02 11:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gonzo21.livejournal.com
I'm not sure I've ever known an advisor to be happy with a topic one of their students picks. I think advisors exist to torture us.

Date: 2009-09-02 12:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I found one that he might approve but the thing is there's nothing to write about it. Nothing worthy of discussion anyway. My thesis would seriously be something like: Getting rid of the right to silence is bad! Don't do it!

Date: 2009-09-02 08:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] metalphoenix.livejournal.com
I still adore all the mythic in-jokes. Odysseus! Arachne! Daphne!

This piece of work is epic. The only thing to make it better would be if there were more. WRITE MORE.

Except not really because you have to do your thesis shit and your life sucks :(

Date: 2009-09-03 12:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I'm happy to be putting my Classics degree to good use :D

I want to write more! I'd rather write 6000 words of this and hand it in to my prof than do, I don't even know what I'm doing at this point. Police interrogation or something. Whatever. FML.

Date: 2009-09-02 11:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mcdoh1902.livejournal.com

you are the greatest at making batshit AUs plausible. :D

Date: 2009-09-03 12:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I know I am. But thank you for remind me, Stem Cell. You are my favoritest. *pats you on the head*

Date: 2009-09-03 12:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beauticity.livejournal.com

I didn't get to ask this last time 'cause it slipped my mind, but would you like to friend each other on here? :) We have OTH and dwarf hammies in common :')

Date: 2009-09-03 12:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Hey there! Sure, I'd be more than happy to, but my journal will be pretty boring since I don't have time to watch TV anymore :( I'll definitely download the new season of HIMYM though and I plan to watch Glee ... eventually.

Date: 2009-09-03 12:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beauticity.livejournal.com
aww! I'm a fan of both those shows. Funny thing too, I'm somewhat giving up TV this Fall as well. I'm only tuning in for HIMYM and Glee so HIGH5. :) I'm Lailani by the way!

Date: 2009-09-03 12:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
But TV is so gooooooood! How can we give it up??? *cries* I insist that I'm just on a break with TV right now. I still love you! I'll come back!

Nice to meet you. I'm Jo. Oh yeah, I have a comm for my hamster pictures so that I don't spam my flist with them :P [livejournal.com profile] cuppahamster

(My dumbass computer is not letting me choose a userpic, but just pretend I'm using the one with Sophia Bush in it.)

Date: 2009-09-03 01:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beauticity.livejournal.com
I know, I know. I can't believe I'm setting OTH and GG aside this season though.. I've been so loyal to both shows, ESPECIALLY OTH. But I need to concentrate on my studies and start prioritizing things, you know?

Nice to meet you Jo! and I totally love your hammie comm! :') I just started one since [livejournal.com profile] dwarfies and [livejournal.com profile] dwarfhamsters are very dead. [livejournal.com profile] hammieworld :)

I'll use a Sophia one for you. ;)

Date: 2009-09-03 05:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Cool, I'll check out your comm in a bit.

My icons work now. Yay!

Date: 2009-09-04 03:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nike-ravus.livejournal.com
I love your brain, like seriously, i need to start sending it flowers or something. :)

Thesis topic: pick something about sex. That's always what I do, sex or magic.

Date: 2009-09-04 05:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Haha, thanks! Please send cash in lieu of flowers, seeing as I'll be hobo soon and what not.

I suggested to the advisor that I wanted to write something about rehabilitation of sex offenders, but he was all NO NO YOU WON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO WRITE ABOUT and he told me to write about the right of silence instead. Which is boring and stupid. FML.

Date: 2009-09-05 12:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] onyx-regret.livejournal.com
Write about the right of silence? Am I the only one who would write at the top of the page -
"I hereby invoke my right to silence".
And then leave the next billion lines blank. No thesis for me! But I wrote a five thousand word essay on Boomer/Athena/Eight from Battlestar Galactica. Because I think Grace Park is awesome.

Pop Culture is the best class. EVER.

And therefore I win.

Date: 2009-09-05 01:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I have in fact considered doing law and pop culture (how television influences the public's perception of the crimianl justice system!) but sadly the adviser for that is some douchebag I pissed off last year when I was in his class, so it would be dumb for me to beg him to supervise my thesis.

My life is pain.

Date: 2009-09-12 07:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theagonyofblank.livejournal.com
UM THIS IS AWESOME. I love your all your AUs!!

Also, this was made of win: "What did you expect?" Dean had asked her. "She's the Muse of Tragedy! But damn, her body's fine. I'd tap that, but then some cousin we've never heard of would probably turn her into a tree."

Date: 2009-09-13 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Hee! Thank you!!!

Oh yeah, that was fun. Even though it was a pain to figure out who is which god.

Date: 2009-09-14 07:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theagonyofblank.livejournal.com

Date: 2009-09-14 07:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
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