wizened_cynic: (SM2 (annapie))
I don't know what this is. I really wanted to write about babies. My co-worker brought hers to work and he was so fucking cute, this happened.

For clarification, this is Criminal Minds gen, with a minor dash of Emily/JJ towards the end. Jesus, you think after 9 years, I'd be better at this.

five times emily prentiss was almost somebody's mother )

It's like 80% angst, 15% schmoop, and 5% WHAT THE FUCK CYNIC. You are warned. (Seriously, it's like 1/5 Gilmore Girls AU, 1/5 Supernatural AU, 1/5 Doyle-arc which might as well be a fucking AU.)

Now up and ready at AO3 so I can whore myself out for more comments! YAY!

wizened_cynic: (Scrubs - sadface)
I refuse to cap Alex in this week's SVU because SHE WAS DOING SOME BAD LAWYERING AND THEREFORE MUST BE PUNISHED. Seriously, what the fuck was that episode? How do any of these people still have jobs? Why was Alex wearing such a disgusting blouse and why did her hair look like shit? These are all rhetorical questions because the answer is clearly that Neal Baer is the fucking devil. Argh!!!!!! Granted I'm really defense-minded now since I essentially spent the last month in a bar with a bunch of defense attorneys, but still. I heard that next week is SM's last episode for the season, which is great, because that means I don't have to anxiously wait for the video to download and then have it anger up the blood.

Criminal Minds is not angering up the blood, but it's pretty boring now, and I'm thinking of dropping it along with HIMYM next season. Also, I think Emily should cut her hair a little. I liked Season 2 and Season 3 length. JJ's hair improved a bit today but she had a major fake tan in the one scene with Emily and the little girl. Which she sort of made up for when she wore a blue shirt. THESE PEOPLE KEEP MESSING WITH MY HEAD.

I sort of like Parenthood. I like bits of it and I like LG and I love the credits, because they use baby pictures of the cast and they're disgustingly adorable, and the little girl who hates her mom is really growing on me, but the other 70% of it is bland.

I'm still going through the prompts for the BEST FIC MEME EVER and will take some more if you feel like it. I'm actually following through with the writing part of the meme for once. I know, right? Something is not right with the world.

Prompts completed so far:

1. If prepared just right, I'd make love to a burrito (Ben + Sophia/Alona)
2. Just wanted you to know I'm new to the neighborhood and required by the law to tell you that (Fishkeeper 'Verse)
3. Sorry I picked a fight just for the makeup sex (Claire in Stars Hollow)
4. I genuinely enjoy any activity in which you bend over (Alex is a candy striper, Lorelai is in the hospital AU)
5. You're going to be great MILF ([livejournal.com profile] bun_in_oven babyverse)
6. You're cantankerous, inappropriate, self-destructive, and hopefully single (Criminal Minds RPF AU)
7. If I was your co-worker, I'd sexually harass you (Lorelai works at a greeting card company, Alex is her boss AU)
8. I can't wait for you to meet my absurdly creepy friends (Gospel According to Chad, Alex Cabot/Lauren Graham)
9. I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus (Gospel According to Chad)
10. I'm tense because I have too much recorded TV to watch (Claire in Stars Hollow)
11. Rampant porn use has left my computer and soul in ruins (Gospel According to Chad, sort of)

wizened_cynic: (lorelai - thinky)
Yeah, I don't know what this is. Back in August, [livejournal.com profile] thrace_ gave me a prompt calendar which I promptly did not follow, but anyway, one of the prompts was "greek gods" and this is what became of it.

THEY ARE ALL GREEK GODS.

FYI Rachel is Rachel Gatina from One Tree Hill. You don't need to know who she is; just know that she's totally slutty and gay for Brooke

Things get exponentially more awkward at family meetings after Alex's brother Chad invents alcohol. )

This thesis business is going to kill me. And all this angst right now? Merely concerns choosing the topic. There's no way I won't die writing this motherfucking pointless piece of shit.

wizened_cynic: (cwrpf - sophia)
So here it is, the Sophia/Alona fic. It's really more like Sophia/awesome fic, because Sophia is awesome. It was written from [livejournal.com profile] metalphoenix's birthday, which isn't until tomorrow, but she has two finals today so she needs something to look forward to.

Don't have any high expectations of this.

This takes place in a better and alternate reality where OTH was not renewed, Meloni and Hargitay did not renew their contracts, and Sophia, Alona, and Ben McKenzie take over NBC. SM makes a cameo. Oh, and Neal Baer is fucking insane. But you already know that.


If this were the CW, he'd be gay for his brother )

For those who do not know who any of these people are, here is a visual guide:

I don't have a picture of Neal Baer, and I thank the Lord for that )

So, yeah. That's it. Happy birthday, Iron Bird!!!!! You're so full of awesome I am proud to have you as my stalker. *birthday fistbumps*

wizened_cynic: (SVU - worst cops ever)
I saw Up today and it's pretty amazing. It may be my favorite Pixar film after Finding Nemo. Go watch it if it's still on in theatres, because DVDs wouldn't do it justice. At least, that's what the person I watched it with told me. She's trying to get a job doing computer animation and shit, so I just assume she knows what she's talking about.

Oh, yeah, here are the results of the prompts for Day 1 and 2. Alex has kids and Lorelai has woes. Two totally different universes.

Day 1: The Dark Ages )

Day 2 is bananas and it is over here.

I'm as exhausted as Alex after wrangling half a dozen kids, so I'm gonna call it a night. Happy B.C. Day, livejournal.

wizened_cynic: (himym - rock your body till canada day)
Ack, I'm combining the prompts for Friday, Saturday, and today to give you OCEAN'S ELEVEN AU. Because that's just what the world needs. Also it is unfinished because I got bored. Everything bores me these days, so whatever.

money + traveling + cocky )
wizened_cynic: (lorelai - unapologetic mocker)
There, I wrote it. It had to be done, and apparently, today was the day for it. I'm telling you right now that there is, unfortunately, no lesbian wagon sex, so don't even ask.

OREGON TRAIL AU ZOMG

wedlock )

Some extra background: Alex is actually going to Oregon to marry Robert, whom she has never met. In the longer, in-my-head version of this, Lorelai makes Alex come to terms with what she has always known: men suck, let's have lesbian wagon sex.

Oh, and Arthur Branch is Pa.

wizened_cynic: (crackfic)
Yeah, I finally finished the stupid fishkeeping au fic, and it is pointless and retarded but apparently, [livejournal.com profile] bank_farter likes it and [livejournal.com profile] speshtian needs bedtime reading material. Therefore, here it is, behold behold behold!

I need to go back to writing straight up Claire fic again, because seriously. Someone's been mixing detergent in with my cocaine.

She spends a couple of hours with Lorelai Gilmore, and now the fish are talking to her. )


Many thanks to the Polar Bear and Lo and everyone else who held my hand (*gags*) and talked me through this. Y'all need help.
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