wizened_cynic: (alex cabot's magic uterus!)
Goddammit, one of you (I KNOW IT'S ONE OF YOU) requested Lorelai/Claire pregnancy!sex for the Femslash Kink meme, and I wasn't going to write it, because I don't trust myself with the English language anymore, but I had a fucking cup of English breakfast at dinnertime (THERE IS NO LOGIC TO MY LIFE WHATSOEVER) so I can't fucking sleep and this is what happened.


Assume this is part of the Monkeypaw AU. Alternatively, Stars Hollow is such a magical place that mystical fpreg happens naturally.

fic below )

So, there's that.

Now that I've written you porn, mysterious prompter (THERE'S ONLY FIVE OF YOU WHO READ THIS JOURNAL SO I WILL FIND YOU EVENTUALLY MARK MY WORDS), do something for me --- watch Rookie Blue, and discuss how fucking amazing Andy McNally's hair is in last night's episode.

Thank you.

(Holy shit, writing fic in the middle of the night? It's like going back in time to 2006! I wish I'd used more moisturizer back then. Curse you, past self.)

wizened_cynic: (Lorelai - awwww)
I'm not sure how this happened, but it's probably because a) just the other day I was telling [livejournal.com profile] thefutilitarian about the Claire UTI fic that I wrote way back when, b) I promised [livejournal.com profile] silverturtle87 I'd try to write fic and she gives me the shit I need on Frontierville so I feel like I owe her one, and c) I got this nasty insect bite on my arm that I squeezed until it popped and now it hurts but it also feels better in a way and for some reason it inspired this. I don't even know.

Just a warning: there is talk about the lancing of boils but no actual boils were lanced in the writing of this ficlet. Nor is there actual boil-lancing in the content of this ficlet. I'm just all talk, baby.

I've never lanced a boil, said Lorelai. )

I actually really enjoyed the latest episode of Rookie Blue. Who would've thought? (Missy P with her shiny, shiny hair OMG.)

wizened_cynic: (Scrubs - sadface)
I refuse to cap Alex in this week's SVU because SHE WAS DOING SOME BAD LAWYERING AND THEREFORE MUST BE PUNISHED. Seriously, what the fuck was that episode? How do any of these people still have jobs? Why was Alex wearing such a disgusting blouse and why did her hair look like shit? These are all rhetorical questions because the answer is clearly that Neal Baer is the fucking devil. Argh!!!!!! Granted I'm really defense-minded now since I essentially spent the last month in a bar with a bunch of defense attorneys, but still. I heard that next week is SM's last episode for the season, which is great, because that means I don't have to anxiously wait for the video to download and then have it anger up the blood.

Criminal Minds is not angering up the blood, but it's pretty boring now, and I'm thinking of dropping it along with HIMYM next season. Also, I think Emily should cut her hair a little. I liked Season 2 and Season 3 length. JJ's hair improved a bit today but she had a major fake tan in the one scene with Emily and the little girl. Which she sort of made up for when she wore a blue shirt. THESE PEOPLE KEEP MESSING WITH MY HEAD.

I sort of like Parenthood. I like bits of it and I like LG and I love the credits, because they use baby pictures of the cast and they're disgustingly adorable, and the little girl who hates her mom is really growing on me, but the other 70% of it is bland.

I'm still going through the prompts for the BEST FIC MEME EVER and will take some more if you feel like it. I'm actually following through with the writing part of the meme for once. I know, right? Something is not right with the world.

Prompts completed so far:

1. If prepared just right, I'd make love to a burrito (Ben + Sophia/Alona)
2. Just wanted you to know I'm new to the neighborhood and required by the law to tell you that (Fishkeeper 'Verse)
3. Sorry I picked a fight just for the makeup sex (Claire in Stars Hollow)
4. I genuinely enjoy any activity in which you bend over (Alex is a candy striper, Lorelai is in the hospital AU)
5. You're going to be great MILF ([livejournal.com profile] bun_in_oven babyverse)
6. You're cantankerous, inappropriate, self-destructive, and hopefully single (Criminal Minds RPF AU)
7. If I was your co-worker, I'd sexually harass you (Lorelai works at a greeting card company, Alex is her boss AU)
8. I can't wait for you to meet my absurdly creepy friends (Gospel According to Chad, Alex Cabot/Lauren Graham)
9. I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus (Gospel According to Chad)
10. I'm tense because I have too much recorded TV to watch (Claire in Stars Hollow)
11. Rampant porn use has left my computer and soul in ruins (Gospel According to Chad, sort of)

CNY redo!

Jan. 27th, 2009 10:49 pm
wizened_cynic: (alex - wisconsin)
Ignore the other two CNY fics I posted earlier. They suck. Read this one instead, it doesn't suck. Well, it sucks less. And it's about them Anglo-Saxon lesbians in the crazy small town!

This is the year that Chinese New Year will sweep the nation. )

Nugget and Widget haven't been getting along since I made them make out. It's awkward for hamsters around these places.

I have written 142 words on judicially reviewable decisions. I am going to die.
wizened_cynic: (lorelai - unapologetic mocker)
Finished 15 mins before midnight, whee!!!

Evidently, this takes place between they hook up.

Boots )

I have to get up at 7 tomorrow to go to class so I can sleep through Equity & Trusts. Does anyone see the logical fallacy in that?

wizened_cynic: (claire? claire!)
Hey, look! July has begun and so has my endeavor of month-long posting. I begin with a 20 minute instantficlet, in honor of Canada day, which I am spending studying MORONIC POINTLESS IMPOSSIBLE DOESN'T-MAKE-A-LICK-OF-SENSE commercial law. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

If we do, I want to get a picture of that French-speaking moose this time. And Ellen Page. )

This was supposed to be longer, with Lorelai and Alex as chaperones for Lulu's third-grade fieldtrip to the museum, but my knee really hurts and obviously I write with my knee, so. FROWNYFACE.
wizened_cynic: (alex - welcome to the SH!)
Apparently I really am incapable of writing anything unless a) I have two other papers that are due next week and I have not started either, and/or b) I'm writing about something totally absurd and slightly gross.

You guys should be used to it, so whatever. Remember how a long time ago, I wrote a fic where Alex had chicken pox? And then I wrote a fic where she had a urinary tract infection, and it got an insane number of comments? Well, this is the story of the latest affliction our favorite ADA is going through.

God, I know Claire and Lorelai are now so boring and old and practically married, but I LIKE THEM LIKE THAT, so you will just have to deal with the fluff and cavities. I'm reserving all my angst for the Supernatural AU, which . . . stay tuned. OR NOT.

Lorelai had said once, offhandedly, that if Claire were a guy, her feet would be indicative of the size of her penis, and Claire had said that she did not like where this conversation was going. )

I have GOT to stop breaking the fourth wall. Now I must back to criminal law. Me no like. Me sad :(
wizened_cynic: (alex - welcome to the SH!)
15 second interview clip of SM and her man face:

I love her, masculine jawline and all.

Cutest. Newborn. Ever.

Look Ma, I wrote fic! Yeah, I don't know. I scribbled this last night and as usual it has no point and is really schmoopy. Claire, in the early stages of their relationship.

Claire: French, from Latin meaning 'brilliant.' Can also mean 'wants to go get ice cream, watch Mary Poppins, and then have sex.' )


wizened_cynic: (Default)
Here you go, [livejournal.com profile] baggers. The A/L hurt/comfort fic that I will never finish because, whatever, LAW SCHOOL.

If they'd done it in a bed like Alex wanted to, this wouldn't have happened. )

You know what there needs to be more of? PREGNANT ALEX FIC. Seriously, why isn't anyone writing PREGNANT ALEX for me? It's like every time I want something done, I have to do it myself. Shame on you, flist. Shame on you.
wizened_cynic: (alex - welcome to the SH!)
People! I have a new laptop! Her name is Claire the Third and she is sooooooo pretty. She is not the newest model, nor does she have all the powerful gadget whatchamabullshits, but she is mine, and she is shiny, and I will have pictures of her for you when I remember where the fuck I put my shitty ass camera.

She comes with Windows Vista, though, which is her only flaw. I HAVE A SERIOUS HATE FOR WINDOWS VISTA OMG DIE DIE DIE DIE. But none of the new computers in Hong Kong come with XP anymore, those bastards. I hope whoever made Vista gets an anal fissure. And then it gets INFECTED.

Speaking of Claire, I wrote fic! Someone once told me that the best way to make sure NO ONE reads your fic is to post it on Friday or on the weekend, but you know what? WHO CARES! Claire (the First) demands to have her emo-angst plastered on the internet. Besides, if I wrote fic I actually wanted lots of people to read, I'd be writing Harry/Draco underage mpreg fluff gaybumseks that will get me strikethroughed by Livejournal, and then I will start a Greatest Journal and bitch about it.

Yep, you look like Morgan Freeman is about to narrate your life story in any minute, and you'll leave your penguin husband with your penguin egg so you can do your penguin thing under the polar ice caps, and then while you're doing your penguin thing, your penguin baby hatches and a vulture eats it, and then penguin you get attacked by seals or whatever they were. Oh my god, Claire, that was such a horrible movie. Why did you let me watch it? )

This is immediately after Alex's first Christmas in Stars Hollow, and obviously before the girls hooked up and engaged in wild lesbian hilarities.

Now I need to get something else (I already have a turtle) I can name Lorelai.
wizened_cynic: (Default)
I promised someone, like, a YEAR ago that I would write a Fourth of July fic where Alex and Lorelai dance underneath the fireworks. That didn't happen.

Instead this is some random weird ficlet thing I cooked up because Sue and Gretchen are so not cooperating. Try to figure out where in the non-existent timeline it is. I tried putting my Claire fics in chronological order, and it doesn't work. It just doesn't. So good luck.

anywhere you hang your head )
wizened_cynic: (alex - welcome to the SH!)
Remember when I asked you a while back what you wanted to read? Well, one of you said that there should be a fic that takes place during the time before Alex and Lorelai have major gay gay gay gay crushes on each other, which, apparently, is all of two minutes, and so I wrote it. It's a Thanksgiving fic. In June. I'm a puzzle, okay?

'You sure you don't want to be a pilgrim? Lorelai asked. 'I think you would make a really hot pilgrim. You know, if pilgrims were hot. I've never heard of pilgrim porn. Maybe I should make some pilgrim porn, and thoroughly change society's conception of Puritans.' )

It's so fucking weird to write fic where those two are not yet fucking like speed-talking bunnies on crystal meth.

This is not an invitation for you to ask me to write fic where they fuck like speed-talking bunnies on crystal meth.
wizened_cynic: (alex - wisconsin)
So this is one of those Five Things fics, except I didn't actually get prompted with it. [livejournal.com profile] theholyinnocent prompted [livejournal.com profile] cabenson with Five Things Alex Never Thought She'd Wear in Witness Protection, But Did Anyway. It was so good I stole it. So, many thanks to THI for creating the prompt and CB for letting me claim it as my own.

This is totally not what they expected. I have already told them to prep themselves with some methadone. Oh, this is Claire, and it gets a little depressing at the end, but DON'T WORRY. They end up together. Remember that.

Face it, Claire, you're the King Midas of homosexuality. )

You can find Lorelai's pjs at www.sleepyheads.com

I had a dream about SM last night. She was mean to me.

wizened_cynic: (lorelai - devious)
So, I don't know. I wrote fic. In which nobody gets pregnant. Like I said, I don't know.

I went to bed last night with the despreate urge to write porn. I had sentences constructed and everything, but then I fell asleep and had several very vivid dreams about being back in the church of my Catholic elementary school and when I woke up, unsurprisingly, the desire to making Alex and Lorelai fuck like bunnies on speed was gone. GONE.

The fic was originally going to be Five Heretofore Undisclosed Secrets of Those Verbose Lesbians Living in That Small Town, Yes THEM, and if I can still do the other four, I would. But right now, this is all I can manage, and it is . . . not that porny. I lose, I know. Blame my Grade 7 teacher.

Lorelai's vibrator is named George. )

1.5 MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL! How will I ever live without riveting Medieval writings about deacons and abbots fighting over the construction of a windmill?

And yes, I really did change my layout seven times within the last 20 hours. I change my layout more often than I change my CLOTHES.

wizened_cynic: (claire? claire!)
HELLO Y'ALL! I swear to God someday I will stop posting in the middle of the night and on the weekend, when nobody cares.

First of all, [livejournal.com profile] thepurpleswitch is made of SHINY WIN and wrote SPN AU Dad/Daddy kidfic and it is so, so awesome. It tastes like lemon drops and kittens and is so cute it will make you want to feed it anti-growth drugs so that it stays little and cute forever like Dakota Fanning. Except Dakota Fanning isn't cute; she's creepy. But the kidfic, it is not creepy. It is l'awesome, and you should read it. Go! Now!

Meanwhile, so that I can win back the love of those who like their usual crack and not, like, demon-hunting universe-switching baby-puking crack, here is a sort of sequel to the UTI fic. Shiny new ailment included!

The doctor calls it glossitis; everyone else calls it karma. )

P.S. I updated my LJ profile! I think you want to take a look. Yes, I think you do.

wizened_cynic: (lorelai - devious)

Every new year, on this most sacred of days, I try to write porn. It's not exactly traditional, but hey, it's all about fusion these days, you know? So writing porn for Chinese new year is like ... combining Chinese New Year ... and porn.

It's late and I'm hungry, okay?

Anyway, I said I'd post a fic for each day of Reading Week, and I decided I would post one of them early, since it's the actual day of Chinese New Year and all. Mostly pedantic and doesn't make a lot of sense. In other words, like everything I've ever written.

I'm sure the Chinese community is thrilled that their most important festival of the year is being usurped by Anglo-Saxon lesbians. )

An alarming percentage of you believe that my decisions are based on a fictional character.

You guys are not entirely wrong.

Happy Year of the Boar!

wizened_cynic: (Default)
I am making this post for archival purposes. Here are the ficlets I wrote for yesterday's meme. You can still play if you want to! And you know you want to! Unless you don't. In which case, you are a loser.

But first, a conversation between me and Jew, who, it is important to note, has NEVER watched a minute's worth of Gilmore Girls in her entire life.

DrummerJew2002: i think canon lorelai's main problem is that she is not a lesbian
DrummerJew2002: all her other issues are just secondary
wcynic: that's the most succinct summary of what is wrong with gilmore girls
DrummerJew2002: it needs more lesbians
DrummerJew2002: that's the solution to any problem

See? Problems can be solved by homosexuality! Sign your kids up now.

sports medicine (kidfic) )

untitled snippet because I am lazy (claire) )

gladly beyond (claire) )

patty hearst doesn't live here anymore (claire) )

obligatory hugh laurie love-fest (claire) )

I have two JOA ficlets here and here, but I can't be bothered to code or think of titles anymore, and only three people care anyway, so. Deal.

Tomorrow is exactly one year from the day I posted my first full-length Alex/Lorelai fic! (It totally sucks now in retrospect, so don't go back and look at it. Please.) Happy anniversary, crackfic!

It's been a good year. I thank you all for being part of it.

wizened_cynic: (alex - boobies!)
[livejournal.com profile] kymess_jr prompted me with Febreze and umbrella, and here is her porn. I could not work in remote control, sorry! Anyway, it is time traveling porn. I'm too lazy to explain it, just read The Time Traveler's Wife. Or, just know that this is twice the number of naked Alexes for the price of one.

footfalls echo in memory )

Merry Christmas, you stupid bastards! And to all a good night!

wizened_cynic: (claire? claire!)
This is another one of those late-night fic posts that I will come to regret in the morning.

Part Three of Christmas fic, still no idea what to call it. Cover Me Be Patient. From this. I think I have the song, so maybe I'll upload it later.

This fic contains inside jokes that are probably only funny to, well, the girl. Yes, yes, this is disgustingly fluffy transference fic, and I am sorry that Lorelai is GROSSLY OUT OF CHARACTER, but you know, if AMY AND DANIEL AND DAVID DON'T CARE, I don't think you should either. Okay, why am I fussing about this when, hello, I have been making Lorelai a COMPLETE LESBIAN for the last 11 months? The mind, it boggles.

'I don't even want to know how you went about finding an anatomically-correct baby Jesus.' )

Previous parts here. Now with sparkling new headers!

I can't remember if I brushed my teeth or not. I'm just going to take an Advil for my EVIL, NON-CHRISTMASY cramps and go to sleep.

Edit: The song is here for the pleasure of your ears.

wizened_cynic: (Default)
I'm posting Part Two of Christmas fic here, so that Lo will have something to read just in case I don't get home from my shrink appointment in time tomorrow.


It's 3 in the morning and I'm fucking exhausted and yeah, it's porny and kind of retarded and I suck at porn and you know that but I think you should just let me off because I do not use any of the following words in my sex scenes: nub, nectar, honey, essence, folds, moist, and anything that rhymes with hokies.

Any references to The Odyssey are courtesy of my CLST prof and [livejournal.com profile] deuce81.

The title of the whole three-parter fic is (temporarily) Happy Christmas (War is Over) but I might change it because it is kind of cheesy and retarded. Yes, the fic is cheesy and retarded, but there's no need for people to KNOW THAT just from the title. The section titles are from T.S. Eliot's Burnt Norton. Lo came up with them, because she is the best.

Again, always. For the girl.

Alex considers telling Lorelai, 'Fuck you,' but Lorelai will probably say something irritating and obvious along the lines of, 'I believe I just did.' )

Part uno can be found here.

It should also be noted that the name Lorelai, in fact, means "siren's lure" in ancient Gaelic or something.

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