wizened_cynic: (i AM a lesbian)
[personal profile] wizened_cynic
BAAAAAAAAAAH. I am trapped in an 8-hour CPD course on Commercial Drafting because I need the requisite 15 points a year, and the person teaching it was my Commercial Law professor whose exam I nearly failed. You know what, bitchface? THERE'S NO EXAM FOR THIS COURSE AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION. Especially since I am not a commercial lawyer! HA! I WIN.

Except for the part where I am bored out of my mind.

Sooooooooooo, if any of you give me a prompt, I will try to write something within these 8 hours of fucking COMMERCIAL DRAFTING HELL. Realistically I can only write SVU/GG, RPS, Criminal Minds, or if you dare to, original fic that probably begins with "She owes me 27 blowjobs."

I am so bored I actually wish I were doing work.

ETA: Filled prompts. The lecture was a complete fucking disaster, btw. I was prepared to give my ex-prof a fairly pleasant review, but she complained that my computer was "making too much noise" and wouldn't let me use it, so naturally I had to call her a bitch on the course evaluation. AND SHE CAN'T DO DICK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I AM NOT HER STUDENT ANYMORE.

CWRPS, Chad comes to Alex for legal advice, for [livejournal.com profile] silverturtle87
CMRPS Office AU, Erica Messer's idea of a team-building exercise, for [livejournal.com profile] kennedyismyhero
Cookie!Verse, FormerlyGingerbread!Lorelai discovers Halloween, for [livejournal.com profile] aygul
CM/SVU babyverses, Quantum A.J. versus Beezus, for [livejournal.com profile] mayireadtoday

Date: 2012-10-26 02:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silverturtle87.livejournal.com
I was recently reminded of your Chad the asshole little brother of Alex and I want to see what they're up to now...also the dumpster baby.

But I want more of all your stories and can't just say 'ALL THE PROMPTS' because that's a terrible way to make requests. SIGH.

Date: 2012-10-26 02:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
"I want to change this contract," Chad says, waving a piece of crumpled piece of paper that, when unfolded, reveals itself to be the back of a flyer for a party promising free beer and lesbians.

To be fair, until she's examined the contents of the document, which she is loathe to do, because it looks and smells like it's been soaked in urine, Alex can't say with certainty that it's not a valid and enforceable contract, but she would bet that it isn't.

"You can't unilaterally change the terms of a contract," says Alex.

"But she owes me 27 blowjobs! In the contract, it says that if she owes me more than 20 blowjobs, I can change the contract however the hell I want."

Alex doesn't know who the "she" in question is and she's kind of afraid to find out. "Who drafted this contract?"

"Paget did. She was a lawyer on a TV show once."

"Wow, then she must be very qualified. And now she owes you 27 blowjobs?"

Chad considers this and says, thoughtfully, "No, but the idea of that is both turning me on and making my boner shrink with fear. Anyway, it's not Paget. It's Miranda Cosgrove."

"MIRANDA COSGROVE? Chad, she's like 13 years old."

Chad's jaw drops. "I thought she was 22!"

"Well, she's not." With a few clicks on her Blackberry, Alex learns that Miranda Cosgrove is, thankfully, eighteen years old. "Chad, this is not something I thought I would ever have to ask anyone, but how many blowjobs did you receive from Miranda Cosgrove?"

"NONE," Chad answers despondently. Thank god thank god thank god. "She kept telling she was underage!"

Some days Alex has no idea how her brother isn't dead or in prison.


No dumpster baby, I'm sorry!

Date: 2012-10-26 02:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silverturtle87.livejournal.com
No worries! HAHAHA!

Date: 2012-10-26 02:22 am (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
When Emily Prentiss went into hiding after Doyle resurfaced she didn't go to Paris, France, she got together with Paris Geller.

When Alex Cabot is the D.A. of New York City, Paris is the A.D.A. Bureau Chief of some NYC division.

Alex -- somehow, she's confused about it herself -- talks Paris into proposing to Rory.
Edited Date: 2012-10-26 02:27 am (UTC)

Date: 2012-10-26 01:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I'm so out of practice that I can't seem to find my Paris voice. Could I have some other easier prompts? (Sorry, I'm super lazy and haven't written anything but stupid het babyfic for a while.)

Date: 2012-10-26 04:50 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
A.J. (Alex Junior NOT A.J. Cook) and Beatrice meet.
Edited Date: 2012-10-26 04:56 pm (UTC)

Date: 2012-10-27 05:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
LOL, I love how you have to specify. Okay, here goes.


Alex never had much of a social life to begin with, not since she started work at the D.A.'s office, so having A.J. now might actually be an improvement for her, socially. Sundays are now spent in Central Park, or the Museum of Natural History, or sitting on the floor of the children's section of the bookstore, reading aloud to A.J.

A.J.'s favorite books are the ones about that irritating pigeon who wants to drive a bus, notwithstanding the lack of opposable thumbs. She loves the pigeon so much that even though they have all the goddamn books at home, she still insists on hunting them down whenever they go to Barnes & Nobles.

By now, A.J. knows her way around the bookstore and as soon as they are inside, she darts off and leaves Alex in the dust in the New Arrivals. There's a new book by David Rossi, whom Alex has heard of but never met. Alex's mother is a fan, which Alex finds a little bit odd, but at least she isn't into those teenage vampire novels, or Alex would have to consider disowning her.

Alex suddenly feels a tug on her shirt and glances down to find A.J. looking upset.

"I was coming to find you," Alex reassures her. "Do you want to read the pigeon now?"

A.J.'s lower lip quivers. "We can't," she says in despair. She grabs Alex's hand and leads her to the children's section, where Alex immediately understands the problem.

A brunette woman is in their usual place with her daughter, who looks a little younger than A.J. --- it's weird how good Alex has gotten at guessing children's ages --- and they are reading The Duckling Gets a Cookie.. (The Duckling, by the way, is a manipulative sociopath, while the Pigeon probably has bipolar disorder or a mild form of Asperger's.) This is causing indescribable angst for A.J., apparently.

"We can read another one." Alex points at the shelf filled with Mo Willem's books. "There are lots."

"I WANT TO READ THAT ONE," A.J. says, loud enough for the woman and her daughter to hear.

Before Alex could tell her daughter to shush, the other little girl looks up and shouts, "MY BOOK. MINE. NOT YOURS."

A.J. looks at Alex, as if she expects Alex to do something, as if Alex had been trained in law school how to deal with toddler confrontations over a book about a goddamn pigeon.

The brunette turns around, takes another copy of the shelf, and holds it towards Alex, who gratefully accepts. Alex settles down with A.J. on the other side of the room, A.J. and the other girl glaring at each other the whole time.

But the lure of the pigeon is too much, and two-year-olds, thankfully, have the attention spans of gnats, so soon A.J. is immersed in the Duckling's latest adventures, while Alex contemplates nominating that woman for the Nobel peace prize.

Date: 2012-10-27 04:06 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com

A question on the last paragraph: "But the lure of the pigeon is too much" I thought both A.J. and Beatrice are listening to their mothers reading a book about a duckling.

Date: 2012-10-27 04:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Thank you!

It is very sad that I know this, but the book Alex and Emily are reading to their (respective) daughters is part of the pigeon series. The Duckling has a cookie which the Pigeon loses his shit about (why doesn't he have a cookie? He wants a damn cookie. WITH NUTS) and in the end Duckling tells him, "I got the cookie for you!" and the Pigeon is super thrilled but because he has, like, Asperger's or something he doesn't feel like a douche for having treated the Duckling like shit, not that it matters because the Duckling is totally a manipulative sociopath and gets another cookie for himself WITHOUT NUTS.

I hope that answers your question. I really need to have a kid, I swear to god.

P.S. If you want to read more about Beatrice's love affair with the pigeon, go here (http://cmrossiprentiss.livejournal.com/94059.html#comments).
Edited Date: 2012-10-27 04:12 pm (UTC)

Date: 2012-10-27 04:33 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
Yes, that does explain things. Thank you. Also, that sounds like a very crappy book series. I hated the book "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" myself where the mouse in question is a sociopath also.

Date: 2012-10-27 04:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Actually, I love Mo Willems and I can see why young children would enjoy the Pigeon books. But as an adult, the Pigeon's kind of a giant pain in the ass. I like his other books better, like Elephant and Piggie and Knuffle Bunny.

I dislike "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" because there's really no plot to it. Also, if you give a mouse a cookie, IT WILL DIE. I had to be very careful about what I fed my hamsters.

Date: 2012-10-27 05:26 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
Also, if you give a mouse a cookie, IT WILL DIE. I had to be very careful about what I fed my hamsters.

Look at you bringing in logic and reality :)

Date: 2012-10-26 03:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kennedyismyhero.livejournal.com
"I got you something. Bandages. For your emergency kit." -- Crazy!Paget CMRPS Office AU, please.

I just yoinked that from some dumb sitcom I was watching so if that doesn't do it for you, lemme know and I'll whip up something else. ;)

Date: 2012-10-26 12:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Bernero transfers to the L.A. office, which fails spectacularly, and Messer takes over his place as the company's head despot. The first thing she does is force them all to do team-building exercises.

"To boost morale," she says as she divides them into teams for a "trust game" which appears to have been lifted straight from the pages of her favorite book, The Hunger Games.

"I thought the idea was not to have us build alliances within the office," Shemar says. He has stripped off his shirt and is now sitting cross-legged in the handicapped bathroom along with A.J. and Joe, having decided his shirtlessness to be the most effective weapon against their co-workers. If A.J. weren't completely gay for Paget, she might be inclined to agree with that assessment. Meanwhile, Joe's secret weapon are nunchucks made from chains of garlic, which A.J. notes would only be of any use if any of their co-workers were actually vampires.

They're so going to die.

Messer allows them to choose five things from the supply closet for their emergency kit. "Make good choices, people," she tells them over the intercom. "Remember, these are the only things you have to kill your opponents with. Unless you use your bare hands, that is. Keep your options open."

Joe comes back with a pack of highlighters and post-its that say "Please sign here," but thank god A.J. knows what she's doing so she grabs a stapler, a paper cutter, and a box of thumbtacks. She almost has to clobber Matthew with a three-hole punch to get to the stapler, but he's quick on his feet and shimmers away like a mirage, the bastard. The thumbtacks spill all over the floor, and A.J. crouches down to pick them up --- a vulnerable position, she realizes when she hears someone creeping up behind her.

"Relax, it's just me."

A.J. turns around to see Paget, with a metal ruler tucked into her belt and a crown of purple post-its on her head.

"Trust no one," A.J. echoes Messer. "Prove your allegiance or prepare to die."

"Please, if I wanted to, I could easily sever your carotid with a paper clip," Paget says. "I got you something. Bandages. For your emergency kit."

She is holding out a roll of surgical bandages, probably left over from the time Matthew sprained his ankle during Office Olympics, which led to Gibson cancelling all future Office Olympics.

"Smart," A.J. comments. "First aid. I hadn't thought of that."

Paget looks at her like she's insane. "They're not for stopping bleeding, they're for strangling your enemies with."

"Remind me never to end up on your bad side," A.J. says, taking the bandages. She tosses Paget a box of ballpoint pens (excellent makeshift shivs), pulls Paget into a quick kiss, and runs off.

May the odds be ever in their favor.

Date: 2012-10-26 02:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kennedyismyhero.livejournal.com
Yaaay! Thank you. Pretty sure CM RPS Office crackverse is one of my top 3 favorite universes you write. :)

Date: 2012-10-26 02:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Really? Which are the other two? Just curious.

Glad you liked this one. It practically wrote itself. Thanks!

Date: 2012-10-26 09:15 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
Super creepy crack!

Also, Shemar with his shirt off would totally work as an effective weapon against their co-workers.
Edited Date: 2012-10-26 09:18 pm (UTC)

Date: 2012-10-26 06:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] portions-forfox.livejournal.com
Um, RPS is kind of my favorite! Who do you write?

Date: 2012-10-26 12:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
LOLOLOL, I kind of write the most ridiculous RPS, mostly to do with Supernatural and other CW co-stars (I especially love writing the crown prince of douchery, Chad Michael Murray) and sometimes with the ladies of Criminal Minds.

Date: 2012-10-29 04:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] portions-forfox.livejournal.com
that is either ridiculous or awesome, probably awesome. :)

Date: 2012-10-26 07:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aygul.livejournal.com
Something involving Emily and/or Lorelai that will distract me from my imploding love life and quickly sliding morals.

Or here's two someecard options:

Edited Date: 2012-10-26 07:15 am (UTC)

Date: 2012-10-26 01:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Formerly-gingerbread!Lorelai discovers Halloween.

The best thing about being human was the sex.

But Halloween is a very, very close second.

Lorelai has heard about Halloween, but this is the first time she gets to experience it herself, what with being only 10 months old (as a cookie) and 3 months old (as a human) and all. It's a holiday that revolves around candy, which is the third best thing about human after sex and Halloween.

"You do know that you won't actually get to go trick-or-treating, right?" Alex grumbles as Lorelai drags her through the Halloween aisle at Target. There are plastic skeletons and pumpkin-shaped candles and bags and bags of fun-sized candy bars. Lorelai wants to buy all of them.

"Actually, Margaret says I can take Patrick and Sienna this year," Lorelai tells her. "I already told her you'd love to come along."

Alex makes a face like Lorelai's just asked her to eat prunes.

"It'll be fun," Lorelai chortles, tossing another bag of mini-Reese's Cups into their cart.

"I doubt it," Alex says, Eeyore-ly. "I didn't even like trick-or-treating when I was a kid."

"That's because you've never gone trick-or-treating with me," Lorelai tells her. She has the ability to make anything fun. It's her witch-given talent, and she takes it seriously.

Alex raises an eyebrow at her. "I suppose we'll see."

Sometimes Lorelai thinks she's teaching Alex to be human too, and not just the other way around.

Date: 2012-10-26 04:52 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
The last line is the best!

Date: 2012-10-26 11:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silverturtle87.livejournal.com
Omg, so cute. Lorelai would make anything fun, I kind of love that she can nonchalantly force Alex to interact with people and small children. But that last line, absolute perfection.

I think it's just as good out of our heads but in a different way. I think we were thinking comical absurdity and then you went and wrote it and suddenly feelings spilled all over the place. So.

Date: 2012-10-29 04:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aquila1nz.livejournal.com
Wow, I liked that even more than Quantum AJ meets Beezus! Last line!

Date: 2012-10-29 01:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I think you just made two very cute, very self-absorbed toddlers cry.

Date: 2012-10-29 07:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aquila1nz.livejournal.com
Pretty sure they do that all the time. So my apologies to their parents.


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