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I signed up for [community profile] cottoncandy_bingo and one of the squares was "Baby."

I don't even know if this qualifies as fluff. It's more crack than fluff, but arguably it has a happy ending? For Chad at least. Not so much for Alex.

Alex is four hours into her annual leave when the phone rings. She doesn't even have to guess who it is.

"I'm on holiday, Chad. Call your backup lawyer."

"Bitch, I'm calling as your baby brother, yo, not as your best and only client, so listen up."

"One, you're not my only client ---" (he isn't, but he's definitely Alex's biggest client, which --- fuck her life, seriously) "and two, you'll still be my brother in two weeks. Bye."

Alex is about to hang up when she hears a thin but distinct wail of an infant. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

"Chad, is that a baby crying in the background?"

"Sure is, big sis."

"Why is there a baby crying in the background?"

"I don't know. I'm not a fucking baby expert. Why do you think I called you?"

"What makes you think I'm a fucking baby expert? No, wait ---" Alex glances at the clock. 4:05 a.m. Splendid. Her flight to Boracay is supposed to leave in five hours, but she's fairly certain that it's not going to happen. "Why do you have a baby?"

"I found it! I'm going to keep it!"

Before Alex can say anything else, she hears a woman yelling, "Fuck you, Chad, I found it!"

"Well,I called dibs!"

"You can't just call dibs. Whoever finds it gets to keep it. It's the universal law of hobos."

"Who's that?" Alex demands, giving up on sleep entirely as she reaches for her glasses.

"That's my friend Paget. Say hi to my sister, Paget!"

There's a shuffling noise as the phone switches hands and then, "Goddammit, Alex, your brother's trying to steal my baby. Tell him that it's mine. I saw it first."

It is a good thing that almost twenty years of being Chad's sister has conditioned Alex to stay calm in any situation. "Okay, I don't know what the hell is going on, but put the baby back where you found it. Both of you. Now. It belongs to somebody else. Put it back."

"Uh, no, I'm pretty sure it belongs to me now. I found it in a dumpster, which means it's fair game. Hobo laws."

Alex is oddly relieved to hear that her brother and his equally insane co-star had not in fact stolen anybody's baby. Finding a baby in a dumpster, as abhorrent as the situation might be, is quite possibly the best scenario out of a horrifying dozen, the top being Chad has finally procreated. Of course there is the question of why the hell Chad and Paget were in a dumpster in the first place, but with Chad, Alex has learned to prioritize.

"Paget, listen to me. I'm not sure how drunk you are, but I'm relatively confident that even at your drunkest I would be able to talk more sense into you than into Chad."

"DAMN STRAIGHT." Alex can hear Chad hollering in the background. The baby has stopped crying. Alex really hopes it's not dead.

"Paget, I need you to put the baby back where you two found it, and then call the police. Okay? You know what, forget the seocnd part. I'll call the police. You just PUT THAT BABY BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT."

"Nope. No can do, sweetheart," Paget crows. "I got a pair of shoes that matches that baby. I'm taking it home with me and then maybe Chad and I will go look for a top to go with it."

"I'll only go with you if you promise to a time-share," Chad says.

Paget considers this. "Deal. Here, you can have your phone back. Man, you're right. Your sister is a really good lawyer."

This entry was originally posted at http://wcynic.dreamwidth.org/3162.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Date: 2012-08-19 11:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theagonyofblank.livejournal.com
I don't understand what just went on, but it was pretty awesome.

Date: 2012-08-19 01:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
I don't think I understand what happened there either, but I am glad you enjoyed it! As is Chad!

Date: 2012-08-19 02:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annapie.livejournal.com
Chad and Alex is simply the best.

Date: 2012-08-19 03:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
They really are a match made in ... wherever Chad will go after he dies. Wherever that is, there will be strippers.
Edited Date: 2012-08-19 03:40 pm (UTC)

Date: 2012-08-19 03:36 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
Do you really want people to comment over at DW like it says at the bottom?

That might be one of the crackiest things you have ever written.

Date: 2012-08-19 03:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Nah, it doesn't really matter where you comment. I'm just glad that you did. Thanks!

Really? In the grand scheme of things, I feel like gingerbread!Lorelai is significantly crackier. Or the Dora the Explorer/SVU fic.

Date: 2012-08-19 04:25 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
To me gingerbread!Lorelai was actually less crackish. And I've never read your SVU/Dora so I can't say.

Date: 2012-08-20 02:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Ironically, SVU actually used a storyline in one of its later episodes that bore remarkable resemblance to my Dora fic. COINCIDENCE MUCH?

Date: 2012-08-20 03:38 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
You know the SVU writers used to read your LJ for ideas until you friends-locked it :)

Date: 2012-08-20 04:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com

Man, those were good days.

Date: 2012-08-20 08:38 pm (UTC)
ext_425300: (home)
From: [identity profile] mayireadtoday.livejournal.com
You'll always have Alexandra Cabot...

Date: 2012-08-21 04:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silverturtle87.livejournal.com
Omg, hobo laws and calling dibs on a baby...I can't...hahahahahahaha! Chad and Paget getting into hijinks is basically one of the funniest things I could read, ever. And poor long-suffering Alex thrust into the middle of it, classic.

"I got a pair of shoes that match that baby"...what does that mean? What are those shoes made of? I don't know, but it's damn funny!

Date: 2012-08-21 03:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
So you liked it? ;)

Yeah, I have no idea what inspired this, but I laughed my ass off writing it so I'm glad it instilled the same reaction in you.

Also, I emailed you with writerly woes!!!!!!!!!

Date: 2012-08-23 12:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] teh-faolkitty.livejournal.com
I apparently will never stop loving anything you write. The crackier the better.

Date: 2012-08-23 02:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizened-cynic.livejournal.com
Aw, thanks so much! I will endeavour to outcrack myself every time, just for you!


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